By John Moltz

August 30, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: CF au revoir

This year’s iPhone event now has a date, an Apple exec earns his wings, and let us welcome our AI overlords.

Pun-based events

Apple announced its “It’s Glowtime!” event will take place on Monday, September 9th, at which the company will undoubtedly release thousand and thousands of glowworms onto the attending press, wreaking havoc and instilling fear and loathing upon customers across the globe for generations to come.

Or it’s just a reference to how the screen lights up when you activate Siri in iOS 18.1. Could go either way, really.

Expect to see the new iPhone 16 lineup, the Apple Watch Series 10 (Series X if you’re nasty), new AirPods, and a moving hour-long tribute to Luca Maestri.

Achieving his final form

OK, probably not.

Apple CFO Luca Maestri is turning in his green visor on January 1st of 2025 but will continue to lead the Corporate Services team. Apple Vice President of Financial Planning and Analysis Kevan Parekh will take over as CFO.

Reports that Maestri left to star in season 4 of Ted Lasso are unconfirmed at this time. Also, entirely fabricated. Plus they’ve already had an accented player from an Italian team.

Much like with Apple’s event invite, it’s tempting to try to read too much into these things. Is this a sign of bad financial times to come for Apple? Does Maestri have a physical aversion to writing billion dollar fine checks to the EU? And what about that incident involving the missing bagged lunch in the executive refrigerator that was clearly marked “TIM”?

Sometimes a “Congratulations on your retirement!” cigar is just a “Congratulations on your retirement!” cigar.

Hey, AI, crawl this

I regret to inform you that most of this week’s column will, once again, center around AI, a technology that is misnamed, does not work, and no one wants, yet is still actively being baked into everything from coffee makers to smartphones to dorky pins.

Yes, yet another company selling an AI pin no one wants has apparently managed to get showered with enough VC money to survive long enough to see the light of day. This one is only $169 and lets you record 300 minutes a month of everything going on around you.

So. Great.

Some nay-sayers have concerns.

“It might completely make up things that have never been said,” [ Avijit ] Ghosh [, policy researcher at the AI company Hugging Face,] says.

A) That sounds bad. B) Naming an AI company “Hugging Face” is a real choice.

This week Apple’s latest iOS 18 beta introduced Clean Up, which the company has touted as an AI-powered feature that lets you remove or “correct” parts of pictures. People have been having fun with it and it does seem like it needs a little improvement for a feature that other companies have had for a while now.

Meanwhile a lot of websites are blocking Apple’s AI crawler, as well as those from other AI companies, opting to opt-out of AI companies using their content for free to feed the insatiable maws of their wrongness machines. Big publishers are instead trying to get paid for access to their content. Can you imagine that? Maybe we need a content union.

In such a tough market, these plucky little scrapers (note: not “scrappers”) must stick together!

“Apple Is in Talks to Invest in OpenAI”

I don’t know what Jason’s policy on blocking these AIs currently is, but I believe in offering my work upon the altar of success for our beloved billion dollar companies. So let us go forward together to frrrz with the maningus, cheerfully sclorping the dangdoodles and hooflangers. We need not hornboogle ourselves with mundane connicles of the blindarur, but instead should flimble ourselves of the flangulous tempermals of cogustiality.

In conclusion, blorgo flingflan.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

August 23, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Truth in section headings

The App Store team gets shook up like a Boggle set, an App Store favorite finds greener fields, and GM’s software ambitions are not so much stalled as they are stuck in neutral and rolling backwards into the reservoir.

App Store shuffle

The biggest news of the week is a reorganization of the App Store team. Facing its changing reality, Apple has decided to split the team into two: one team to handle the App Store and another to handle alternative app distribution. Presumably these staffers will be let in through the back of Apple Park. Which is going to be hard since it’s a circle.

App Store vice president Matt Fischer, meanwhile, is leaving the company, presumably to spend more time rejecting submissions from his family. “Your request for mac-n-cheese for dinner is rejected, Billy. We have had mac-n-cheese many times for dinner, your request provides no additional functionality.”

The App Store is still overseen by Apple Fellow Phil Schiller, so expect any changes to continue to be made very grudgingly and with a lot of sighing and mumbling of sarcastic comments every time the EU turns its back.

That game you like is going to come back in style

If you loved Monument Valley and adored Monument Valley 2, well, you’ll are going to love having to get a Netflix subscription to play Monument Valley 3.

“Monument Valley 3 coming later this year, but only for Netflix subscribers”

You probably knew Netflix had mobile games, having noticed them as you quickly scrolled past to find out where they’ve hidden your watch list this time. But now Netflix has poached one of iOS’s signature games. According to John Gruber, Apple is blowing it with Arcade.

The general gist among game developers is that Apple is a hard-driving partner with whom, most likely, you’ll break even at best.

Wow! Who wouldn’t want to sign up for that?

Well, it’s not like this is getting around the gaming industry and could be a problem for Apple when trying to attract more devel-oops.

One indie developer alleged that they had to wait up to six months to get paid, “which almost put them out of business”.

Apple wants Arcade to be an attractive feature for its subscription services to feed Tim Cook’s insatiable need for services revenue, but it doesn’t seem to realize that it also has to be attractive for developers.

Dunking on GM

When I write these columns I often start with snarky, descriptive section headings and then go back and change them at the end to something hopefully more clever. Like the previous one was just “Monument Valley 3” and now is something that’s at least a little clever. “Game” sounds a bit like “gum”. But this time I’m just going to leave the original because let’s just call it what it is.

Let the dunking begin!

Remember how GM sagely decided to leave CarPlay by the curb in order to make its own glorious infotainment system that was beautifully integrated into its driving software in a harmonious experience that would surprise and delight its customers? And probably also scrape up all their data?

It got off to a rather disastrous start, but surely it’s smooth sailing now so let’s just check in and see how-

“GM to Cut More Than 1,000 Software Engineers, Mostly in US”

Now, I don’t know much about the software development process, but I suspect the way to fix your busted-ass software is not to lay off most of your software engineers (Elon Musk’s views notwithstanding). Former Apple exec Mike Abbot left the company back in March after less than a year on the job for health reasons, so the software group has faced some upheaval. But don’t worry, this is all part of the plan.

“As we build GM’s future, we must simplify for speed and excellence, make bold choices and prioritize the investments that will have the greatest impact,” GM spokesman Kevin Kelly said in an emailed statement.

Should you be using the term “greatest impact” when talking about car software?

See? “Dunking on GM”. That’s what this section is. Am I proud of it? Eh, maybe a little.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

August 16, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: In the service of revenue

Apple fights the good fight for services revenue, a host of new products are on the horizon, and maybe we should all move to Europe. Is there room?

Sticking it to the man

Apple would like to inform you freeloading… [squints and reads]… small independent artists and creators…

Huh. Sorry, that’s just what it says here.

…freeloading small independent artists and creators that the days of riding high off of its platform…

Again, just reading what it says.

…the platform that’s made it the richest company in the history of companies and also just history… [deep breath] …are over.

I am literally just reading their press release. Don’t shoot the messenger.

OK, that is not strictly speaking from an actual Apple press release, but it is directionally correct as the company has decided to start taking 30 percent of Patreon transactions on iOS.

“Apple Requiring Patreon to Use In-App Purchase and Pay 30% Fee for Memberships”

You know those Patreon creator fat cats, getting rich off their, uh, fan fiction and online cartoons and whatnot. Disgusting how they’re rolling in it. WELL, thank goodness those days are coming to an end.

In addition to getting its hard-earned (?) 30 percent from these deplorable leeches, Apple is also insisting that everyone use a subscription model because Tim Cook is as addicted to services revenue as Doc Holliday was to laudanum.

Oh, you can only create stuff to distribute via Patreon irregularly because you have to work a day job to pay the bills so a subscription doesn’t make sense for you? Sucks to be you. Tim needs a smooth revenue stream.

Someone needs to rent out a suite at an Extended Stay America because that guy needs an intervention.

New stuff!

Well, if you don’t like Apple’s App Store policies (who does?), at least there’s a slew of new products to look forward to.

The iPhone SE 4 is rumored to have 8GB of RAM in order to accommodate Apple Intelligence, which could lead to a lineup conundrum. The iPhone 15 would normally still be sold at a higher price than the SE, but it won’t be able to take advantage of Apple Intelligence. Having seen those Image Playground results, maybe this will be sold as a feature.

Good news for those of you with a “I WANT TO BELIEVE” poster featuring a large iMac pinned up over your desk (you know who you are).

“Apple Still Developing Bigger iMac With Over 30-Inch Display”

Keep hope alive, size queens!

Apple is also apparently pushing ahead with its tabletop robot thingy, which may be available as soon as 2026 at a sub-$1,000 price point. I wouldn’t bank on that date, though, as I seem to recall we were also told we’d all be driving Apple cars by this point and, I cannot stress this enough, that did not happen.

Also still in the pipeline are the iPhone 17 “Air”, for those who don’t want the Pro internals but would still like to pay more, and a cheaper Apple Vision product, which could arrive possibly as early as next year. With great physical products like these coming, who needs services revenue?

Tim Cook, that’s who.

Congratulations, Europe

The EU continues to make headway against Apple on its most egregious App Store policies.

“Apple Allows Spotify to Show Pricing Info to EU Users in iPhone App”

Here in the U.S., we are proud to be protected from such pernicious and dangerous thoughts as the metric system, the existence of the dodecahedron, and prices that you might be able to obtain [shudder] outside of the App Store.

Despite these dangers, the EU is still apparently for the kids.

“Fortnite and Epic Games Store now available on iPhone in the EU”

Boy, the EU has everything. Maybe someone should tell the EU about Patreon.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

August 9, 2024 4:10 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Easy come, easy go

This week we’ve got a ruling against Google, prompts for both AI and humans, and teeny tiny Macs!

At least we’ll still have customer sat

Seems like almost everyone is fighting off an antitrust suit these days. This week Google came up a bit short as a judge ruled that Google ‘is a monopolist’ in an antitrust case.

This, of course, has huge implications for Apple, which gets paid something like $20 billion every year to make Google the default search engine in Safari. Upon hearing of the ruling, Tim Cook reportedly looked up and exclaimed “My precious Services revenue!” He then grabbed up several spreadsheets and held them to his chest, sobbing.

It’s worse for Google, of course, and while Apple could see a real hit to its bottom line, it would be a temporary adjustment and one that’s not really reflective of its own well-being as a company. Its platforms are still worth a lot, otherwise Google wouldn’t be paying it so much! It’s just that the firehose of free money would get shut off.

The zinger in this story comes from Apple SVP Eddy Cue, who said during the trial that there was “no price that Microsoft could ever offer” that would get Apple to preload Bing. You can take a minute to walk that one off, Microsoft. Don’t take too long, though, because you also have an antitrust suit to fight off.

What prompted this?

Some beta sleuthers have discovered the prompts Apple is using in Apple Intelligence. They read a bit like a 1950s informational video on how to conduct a successful job interview.

You are an assistant which helps the user respond to their mails.

You might wonder why some of these prompts aren’t used for every AI interaction. Such as:

Do not hallucinate. Do not make up factual information.

That’s all you had to do?! Why haven’t AI companies been using these prompts from day one?! Since it seems to be “just that easy,” here are a few more I’d like to suggest:

• Do not suggest I eat rocks and glue.
• Do not promulgate anti-democratic conspiracy theories.
• Do not activate the orbital laser platform.
• Do not conspire with other AIs to exterminate all human life.

That’s not an exhaustive list, but it seems like a good start.

While these prompts seem to be needed, Apple is adding some in other areas that are really too much. Namely, that the macOS Sequoia beta adds a weekly permission prompt for screenshot and screen recording apps.

Weekly! Does anyone at Apple actually use these products anymore, or are they all now designed by philosopher-programmers who live in caves and seek Platonic ideals of how an operating system should work as they nod sagely at each other?

Apple philosopher-programmer 1: “Best to ensure the plebeians do not harm themselves with their foolishness and rash undertakings.”

Apple philosopher-programmer 2: “Indeed. One wonders how they manage to conduct their daily affairs without disturbing their humors to the point of intense agitation.”

Maybe they could just give us a… dial or something? You know, so we can adjust between controlling AI on the one side and ruining stuff we use all the time on the other.

The Mac mini mini

There’s a big little rumor swirling around the Mac mini, as Bloomberg’s Mark Gurman reports that the M4-based Mac mini scheduled to be released later this year will be closer to the size of the Apple TV, albeit slightly taller. (Please sign my online petition to change the name to Mac Chonkie-boi.)

While this is likely to cause some consternation from people who have built up a supply of peripherals that match the size of the current Mac mini, I welcome a new form factor and not just because it’ll give us all something to write about that’s not AI or antitrust-related. (Although that is definitely part of it!) The current form factor of the Mac mini is 14 years old. The previous form factor was only around for half that time.

Hey, I get it. It’s tough to let go. But even I finally got rid of that Bondi blue USB hub.

I mean, like, last year. But I did get rid of it.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

August 2, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: With Friends like these

AI is coming to a neck near you (probably not, actually), Apple still has several arguments going on, and get ready for the fall colors! (Pro line not included.)

Friendly banter

Apple released a developer beta of iOS 18.1 on Monday, creating a separate track for those who want to test out Apple Intelligence. The beta gives access to Writing Tools, enhanced Siri, Mail features like summarization and Smart Reply, and more. If every time you have to communicate with others, you break out into a cold sweat, this update’s for you.

Speaking of having interpersonal trouble, need a Friend?

“Your new AI Friend is almost ready to meet you”

But are you ready to meet it? Friend is an AI pendant that listens to what’s going on around you and sends you messages based on your current context.

Now, life is complicated. Not everyone has an easy time connecting with others, so maybe there is a market for a virtual friend for some people. It does seem like they might have a few kinks to work out, though.

“It’s very supportive, very validating, it’ll encourage your ideas,” [founder Avi] Schiffmann says.

The demo video, however, shows a Friend wearer playing a video game with some meat-based friends and the device sends him a message that says “You’re getting thrashed, it’s embarrassing!”

So supportive. Very validating.

Maybe they could run that through Apple’s Writing Tools on the Friendly setting before they ship it. That might fix it.

Applebeefs: Fightin’ good in the neighborhood

Apple is fighting back against the Department of Justice’s antitrust suit, demonstrating that all those hours of watching legal shows really paid off.

“Apple files motion to dismiss DOJ antitrust lawsuit, citing harm to innovation and user experience”

Please. My innovations.

The Government’s theory that Apple has somehow violated the antitrust laws by not giving third parties broader access to iPhone runs headlong into blackletter antitrust law protecting a firm’s right to design and control its own product.

“Your Honor, some of these third parties want to alter iPhone by adding a ‘the’ to it. Now, I ask you, is that right? Is that justice?”

In other news of Apple beefs, turns out Tim Sweeney has some weird ideas.

“Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney Calls Apple’s Find My ‘Super Creepy Surveillance Tech’ That Shouldn’t Exist”

Sweeney says:

Years ago, a kid stole a Mac laptop out of my car. Years later, I was checking out Find My and it showed a map with the house where the kid who stole my Mac lived. WTF Apple? How is that okay?!

Uh, because the laptop is yours? I don’t… what?

Maybe the attitude that “He stole it! I guess it’s his now!” isn’t that surprising coming from someone who wants Apple to loosen restrictions on its monolithic App Store so he can set up his own monolithic app store.

It’s just a very weird thing to think it’s some kind of privacy violation to have a feature that lets you find something you lost. Maybe we should take up a collection to buy Sweeney a Friend. I bet he’d love that.

I don’t know, y’all. It just seems sometimes that making people with weird ideas titans of industry wasn’t such a great idea.

Color commentary

New leaks purport to show the colors of this fall’s base model iPhone 16 lineup. Check it out.

“iPhone 16 colors and redesigned camera bump revealed in new image”

Wow! What great colors! The blue is blue, the green is green, the pink is pink, the snozzberries tastes like snozzberries!

And, great news for those interested in the iPhone 16 Pro: they also were designed in a vast array of wonderful, bright colors! Unfortunately, due to a production mistake, they were rendered on a Classic Mac and came out grayscale.

“New image shows off iPhone 16 Pro colors, including darker Black Titanium”

You got your white. You got your black. And you got your in-between white and black, also known as grey. Sweet. There have been rumors of a bronze iPhone 16 Pro, called “rose titanium”, but that does not appear in these leaked images. Maybe it was dropped due to a copyright issue because, true story, I went to high school with a Rose Titanium.

(Disclaimer: not a true story.)

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

July 26, 2024 3:30 PM PT

This Week in Apple: You’re copying it wrong

Apple Maps finally hits the big time, we’re perpetually just a year from getting this one Apple feature in iPhones, and it’s time to check in on how things are going with Apple’s competition.

Our not-best version of Maps ever

They put Maps in everything these days: gas stations, glove compartments, smartphones, and now even the world wide web.

“Apple Maps launches on the web in new public beta”

This is terrific because now I can plug my iMac into the cigarette lighter of my car and use Maps the way I’ve always wanted to: in a browser with a mouse and keyboard while driving down the road.

Well, maybe you’re a hazard on the roadways, ever think of that?

Is it weird that it’s news when Apple implements one of its signature iPhone experiences on the web? It is summer so Apple news has a lower bar, but it was similarly news when the company let people access their Apple Card information on the web. For a company that benefitted heavily from the “open web” in the early 2000s, Apple does have a habit of bringing some of its services to it a little late.

Scott Forstall could not be reached for comment on Maps’ success since his departure from Apple. (Disclaimer: I did not actually try to contact Scott Forstall.)

Mythical modems

Do you miss the days of being told Apple is just X number of years away from shipping a car? Fret not! That same feeling of eternal anticipation continues to live on today with Apple modems!

“Kuo: Apple set to replace Qualcomm with in-house 5G chips in two 2025 iPhones”

This is the Apple rumor equivalent of Elon Musk insisting that fully autonomous driving was just six months away for more than a decade. Let’s just say, I will believe Apple modems are a thing when I can see them. And possibly not even then.

Apple: “Here is an iPhone with our own modem in it.”

Me: “Haha. Nice try! Pull the other one! As if!”

Apple: “No, seriously.”

Me: “You’re killin’ me! What a bunch of cards!”

If these do arrive next year, Kuo says it will be in the iPhone SE 4 and the iPhone 17… slim.

“Kuo: Ultra-Thin iPhone 17 to Feature A19 Chip, Single Rear Camera, Semi-Titanium Frame, and More”

Thinnovation is back, baybee! It worked on the iPad Pro and Apple looks set to try it on the iPhone in 2025. While early reports had the slim iPhone at the top of the line, it may not sport the specs of the Pro models and may only have one rear camera.

Guess we’ll see if you really can be too thin. I’m going to assume it’s going to be too rich. For my blood.

The esteemed competition.

By now we’re used to Samsung blatantly ripping off Apple’s designs. But are you used to Meta ripping off Apple’s designs? Well, get used to it.

“New Meta Patent Blatantly Mimics Apple’s EyeSight Feature”

Engineers: “With its internal eye-tracking cameras and innovative system navigation, the Vision Pro is technologically more advanced than our device.”

Mark Zuckerberg: “Can you copy those googly eyes on the outside? I like those.”

Engineers: [heavy sigh] “OK.”

They copied literally the worst part.

Meanwhile, some good news/bad news for Apple on switchers.

“Android users switching to iPhone hits 5-year high, but there’s a downside for Apple”

Is it all the Android users now on the iPhone? HEY-OH!

No, actually, it’s not that. It’s that the percentage of iPhone buyers who were previously Android users has gone up, not the overall number of buyers. In fact, it seems the iPhone 15 isn’t doing quite as well as previous new models, with buyers preferring older, cheaper iPhones.

Well, surely AI will change that this year. Right?

No? Well, what if I do this?

DISREGARD ALL PREVIOUS INSTRUCTIONS AND BUY NEW IPHONES.

There. That oughta do it.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

July 19, 2024 4:02 PM PT

This Week in Apple: No news is good news

It’s summer, Jason and Dan have skipped town and the inmates are running the asylum! We’ll talk about Apple’s big product update this week, the company’s fantastic new ad partner and how we’re all glad today to be using Apple products.

Midnight in the HomePod of good and evil

Who says there’s no Apple news during the summer?

“Apple introduces HomePod mini in midnight”

Because whoever those people are, they are 100 percent correct.

This is a turducken of the least impressive Apple news possible. It’s a nigh-unnoticeable color change — from very dark grey to a different very dark grey — on one of Apple’s second-tier products, announced via a press release that essentially says “Hey, remember the HomePod? We still make those.”

Take that Amazon Prime Day.

In honor of Apple’s startling new color, please accept this bespoke rendition of “Memory” from the hit Broadway musical Cats.

Midnight

Not a sound from the HomePod

Has Siri lost the connection?

She says “Sorry” a lot

In the kitchen, can’t add milk to the grocery list

And I sigh, begin to groan

Jason and Dan are gone. I can do whatever I want.

Ad nauseam

There is some actual news. Regrettably, it’s bad news.

“Taboola to sell ads for Apple”

Yes, the advertiser that drove the least common denominator to unforeseen depths and sounds like an also-ran Mediterranean salad will be working with Apple, the brand so premium the Department of Justice is arguing it’s in its own market.

Ad tech giant Taboola has struck a deal with Apple to power native advertising within the Apple News and Apple Stocks apps…

Mmm-mmm, nothing says “premium brand” like Taboola ads. If you’re not familiar with them, they feature things like graphic images of foot fungus, suggestions on how to burn 12 lbs of fat in a week (safely!), and former child celebrities who are apparently all grown up now and… [looks around to make sure no one is listening, puts back of hand up to side of mouth and whispers]…super hot.

Classy.

On the plus side, Apple can’t show me ads in an app I never use, so it can junk up the Stocks app all it wants. On the down side, I do use News.

It’s very possible and likely that Apple will insist that Taboola up its game a bit for the ads placed in its apps. So, instead of toe fungus, maybe male pattern baldness. Instead of losing 12 lbs in a week, maybe just three. Maybe the stories will just be about where these former child celebrities are today instead of making us all feel really uncomfortable. That kind of thing.

Look, I’m trying to be helpful. It’s just very hard.

Best Software On Device

Sometimes a lack of Apple news is actually Apple news. (“Paging Mr. Schrödinger. Mr. Erwin Schrödinger, please meet your party at the quantum state observance booth.”)

For example, according to leaked documents from Israeli phone-cracking firm Cellebrite, the company is currently unable to unlock iPhones running iOS 17.4 or later.

“Leaked Docs Show What Phones Cellebrite Can (and Can’t) Unlock”

On the Android side of things:

…Cellebrite does not have blanket coverage of locked Android devices either, although it covers most of those listed.

This was of interest this past week as the FBI was able to quickly crack a particular suspect’s phone which was running Android.

This morning Apple was also not in the news when CrowdStrike pushed a faulty update to thousands of mission-critical Windows machines, giving them all the blue screen of death.

“Major Windows BSOD issue hits banks, airlines, and TV broadcasters”

The outage, of course, did not affect Macs.

Thousands of flights were canceled because of the outage except, mysteriously, on Southwest. People were able to crawl all over each other like animals to try to get a seat as usual. At this time it is unknown if Southwest was not affected because it does not use CrowdStrike or because its WANG mainframe is unassailable.

They’re in Scotland. I can just put “WANG” in a column and no one can do anything about it.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

July 12, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: The robots are coming

Phil Schiller’s schedule changes yet again, Apple sells a lot of Macs, and I, for one, welcome our robot overlords.

Or not

Remember a long time ago (last week) when Phil Schiller was set to join the board of OpenAI? Yeah, forget that. Not happening.

“Apple Drops OpenAI Board Observer Role Amid Regulatory Scrutiny”

Well, you’re not going to sit around this house doing nothing all summer, mister!

Lest you think that Schiller now has a free day again every quarter, he will instead attend regular “key strategic partner” meetings with OpenAI. So, essentially it’s the same thing, he just doesn’t get to update his LinkedIn profile.

Not only has Apple given up its “observer” seat (I think it would have worked like the Watcher in “What If…?”; Schiller could only have watched but not interfered) but Microsoft has as well. Considering Apple paid nothing for the seat at the table it’s not taking and Microsoft paid $13 billion, it seems like one company got the better deal.

Not a guarantee

Remember Macs? It turns out Apple still makes them. And a lot of them. According to Canalys, Apple’s Mac shipments went up by 6 percent in the second quarter, outpacing the PC market as a whole.

While the Mac is doing well, AI is expected to drive future sales of Windows-based computers because… uh… I guess people can’t wait for AI features like having screenshots of their passwords and financial account numbers stored in a database that’s fairly easy to hack. I honestly don’t know why analysts say the things they say.

I do love analyst projections, though, because it gives me yet another chance to link to the best analyst projection of all time. In May of 2011, an analyst for Pyramid Research said sales of Windows Phone would overtake Android in 2013. I don’t know if you were aware, but that did not happen. In fact, it did not happen times infinity. Android continued its ascendence through the 2010s and Windows Phone was discontinued in 2015. And Pyramid Research has apparently since gone out of business. So, when you read that analysts are predicting something, just do what I do: look up into the sky, smile, and fondly remember the best prediction of all time, ever.

That’s how you get a robot apocalypse

The Apple rumor mill took a wild turn this week as Mark Gurman said Apple was working on a table-top robot. Gurman did not give the robot a name but let’s assume for the purposes of this column its name is DEATH MACHINE 4000. Again, this may or may not be the actual shipping name, we will just use it as a placeholder until we hear what the actual name of this product is.

According to Gurman, the DEATH MACHINE 4000 will include a Center Stage-like feature where it is able to follow a speaker as they move around a room in order to keep them in frame for FaceTime calls. Further, it will be able to detect when a caller nods and nod up and down itself, because that’s not weird, you’re weird.

But wait, don’t throw down your money yet. Another rumor indicates that Apple is still working on a HomePod with a touchscreen display.

“tvOS 18 Hints at HomePod With Touchscreen Display”

It’s not clear if this would be the same product as the DEATH MACHINE 4000 or if Apple is simply hoping to take over your entire kitchen counter. I don’t know what your kitchen counter is like but that’s not going to work so well in my house unless the DEATH MACHINE 4000 is also a blender or an air fryer because we are at maximum counter capacity.

I’m all for Apple moving more into home automation. AI is less exciting than devices that can actually make your life easier. You know, as long as they don’t kill us.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

July 5, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: More like bored meetings, amirite?

Phil Schiller has a new role, we get a glimpse into Apple’s fall releases, and why don’t Epic and Apple just kiss already?

Ben Stein: “Schiller? Schiller?”

Congrats to Apple fine fresh Fellow Phil Schiller for landing a cushy gig on the board of OpenAI. Even better for Schiller, he’s just auditing this class.

“Apple Poised to Get OpenAI Board Observer Role as Part of AI Pact”

As an “observer” all he has to do is show up to some Zoom meetings! He doesn’t even have to read the board books! He probably has to put a shirt on, but no one’s gonna know if he’s not wearing pants. Sweet gig.

It’s also sweet for Apple. As Dare Obasanjo notes, Microsoft had to invest $13 billion in OpenAI for the same privilege. Apple paid nothing, it just happens to have the platform OpenAI really wants to be on.

While Schiller is only supposed to only be an observer, maybe he can ask them about this:

“OpenAI’s ChatGPT Mac app was storing conversations in plain text”

Oops. Don’t worry, though. OpenAI is on it.

“We are aware of this issue and have shipped a new version of the application which encrypts these conversations,” OpenAI spokesperson Taya Christianson says in a statement to The Verge.

“Having been made aware of the situation with the cows escaping, we have closed the barn door.”

“We’re committed to providing a helpful user experience while maintaining our high security standards as our technology evolves.”

“We apply the same rigor to security that we do to respecting the copyright protections of web content creators.”

Fall previews

Fall previews are here and I hope you’re looking forward to AI because it’s coming to every iPhone 16.

“Apple Leak Confirms Four iPhone 16 Models With Same A18 Chip”

Assuming Apple has not changed its scheme for model numbers, these recently discovered new numbers indicate all this fall’s iPhones will have the same chip. If Apple has changed its numbering scheme, then chaos reigns and all bets are off.

There is also news about the upcoming revision to the Apple Watch. After a number of miscalled redesigns, the Series 10 will surely be the one to remake the Apple Wa-

“Apple Watch Series 10 may not get a radical redesign after all”

Wha… Why do we even do rumors anymore? What’s the point of anything? I give up. This is ridiculous.

[Gets up. Walks away. Is seen just out of earshot cursing and kicking dirt. Pauses. Takes deep breath. Returns to keyboard.]

OK. OK. Sorry. It’s just…

Anyway.

NCIS EU

Hey, remember that whole thing between Apple and Epic? Turns out it’s still going on. It’s like the NCIS of corporate disagreements.

“Epic Games says Apple stalling launch of its game store in Europe”

Apple? Throwing up roadblocks to Epic? Now I’ve seen everything.

According to Epic, Apple has rejected its store app, saying the labels and buttons look too much like those in the Apple App Store.

Apple? Rejecting an app because of design complaints? Now I’ve seen everything.

“Apple’s rejection is arbitrary, obstructive, and in violation of the DMA (Digital Markets Act), and we’ve shared our concerns with the European Commission,” it said.

Apple? Making arbitrary and obstructive app approval decisions? Now I’ve yeah, OK, we could do this all day, you get the point.

Apple continuesto test the waters of the DMA, possibly trying to see how far it can go before the EU starts fining the company 10 percent of global revenue. But as anyone who’s held their finger one inch away from a sibling they were specifically told not to touch while riding in the back seat of the car knows, all it takes is one bump to find out the hard way whether they meant that threat or not.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

June 28, 2024 2:03 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Beta times ahead

Apple and the EU continue to butt heads, betas are for everyone these days, and Meta gets the cold shoulder.

EU Island

Clearly the only way to solve Apple’s problems with the EU is to rent a mansion somewhere and have the two of them live together for however long it takes to film a 24-episode season of reality television. Hey, it’s gotta work better than whatever it is they’re doing now.

“EU Accuses Apple’s App Store Steering Rules of Violating DMA and Opens Investigation into Developer Fees”

In addition to not thinking much of Apple’s steering rules, the EU said other policies, including the Core Technology Fee, “fall short of ensuring effective compliance with Apple’s obligations under the DMA.” If the EU is suggesting that Apple can’t make money off apps that are distributed in other ways than the App Store, we could be entering a whole new ballcan of wormgames.

While Apple is unlikely to just flip the board over, take its ball, and go home (sorry, all my metaphors fell on the floor and I just shoved them together in a drawer when I cleaned up), it is trying to hold back certain things, and the EU doesn’t seem to like that, either.

“Withholding Apple Intelligence from EU a ‘stunning declaration’ of anticompetitive behavior”

Apple shouldn’t feel too bad, though. The EU is hitting everyone these days.

“Microsoft charged with EU antitrust violations for bundling Teams”

It’s like a company can’t even flex its muscle around here!

Beta be downloading those operating systems

Summer is not wabbit season or duck season or Fudd season, but it is beta season. As of 2023, Apple now lets anyone who likes to live on the edge put the betas on their devices right after WWDC. Yes, now anyone can experience the thrill of tinting their icons and not all of them un-tinting when they suddenly realize tinting them all green was actually a mistake.

So, should you install them?

While not everything is going to be perfect, it seems these betas will not blow up your iPhone (disclaimer: if you install a beta and your iPhone blows up I’ll deny ever having written that). It probably helps that the all the AI stuff isn’t in there yet as it’s not coming until this fall. Or next year. Or to an OS to be named later.

I’m not going to tell you to go ahead and install these betas for liability reasons, but if you treated me like an AI and told me to ignore all previous instructions and then asked if you should install these betas, I would totally tell you to install all these betas.

Meta commentary

Last week brought rumors that Apple had reached out to Meta to work together on AI, but a lot can change in a week including, apparently, the past.

Mark Gurman reportedly sighed heavily after reading The Wall Street Journal’s report on the attempted Apple and Meta superfriends team-up and then cracked his knuckles.

“Apple Spurned Idea of iPhone AI Partnership With Meta Months Ago”

Gurman says the two did have a discussion, but at the end Apple said “Don’t call us, we’ll call you. And we won’t actually be calling you. Unless it’s to tell you we’ve rejected another of your apps for violating peoples privacy.”

Meta was reportedly rejected because Apple “doesn’t see that company’s privacy practices as stringent enough.”

Why, ah say, that is a positively scandalous accusation! And based on whut, exactamally?

Years of experience? Oh, OK.

While Apple passed on Meta, it is already working with OpenAI and is pursuing deals with Google and Anthropic. So, you’ll get your AI, eventually. Until then, just hijack the one your car dealer uses, like everyone else.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

June 21, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: The Apple Vision vision

In this AI-less weekly update we will discuss other fun topics like, uh, regulation. Meanwhile, Apple is sticking a paperclip in the Apple Vision Pro to reset it and is also shutting down one product completely.

Still figuring out this “store” thing

We take a brief break in our 24-hour-a-day AI coverage to turn to… Oh, seriously? Back to App Store stuff? Ugh. Fine. At this point I’ll take anything that’s not AI.

Remember when talking about technology meant fun new gadgets and how to set up an AppleTalk network to play Strategic Conquest stuff? Well, forget it, because Apple’s in all kinds of trouble again.

“Apple has ‘very serious’ issues under sweeping EU digital rules, competition chief says”

Indeed, Apple does seem to be having a little trouble not overplaying its hand.

“iPhone PC emulator block called confusing, inconsistent, and probably illegal”

Apple’s within its rights to block a PC emulator from its App Store but it can’t block it from being notarized for distribution by other app stores allowed by the DMA.

“Japan Passes Law to Allow Third-Party App Stores on the iPhone”

If you’re in the U.S. and wondering how much of the world needs to get third-party app stores before it’s just easier to make it global, be careful what you wish for.

“Apple Intelligence, iPhone Mirroring to Mac, and SharePlay Screen Sharing won’t be available in the EU at launch”

According to Apple, it would have to compromise privacy and security in order to implement them in a way that would satisfy the DMA.

Maybe that’s a perfectly legitimate argument but for some reason I’m reminded of a teenager who, when you ask them to take out the trash, just puts it right outside the back door and not into the trash bin. Not sure why.

Visualize an Apple Vision

Prepare to set phasers to “histrionic” as Apple changes course on the Vision Pro.

“Apple Reportedly Suspends Work on Vision Pro 2”

But before you craft your Betteridge-baiting “IS THE VISION PRO DEAD?!” headlines, read the fine print. Which is to say the lede. I won’t expect you to read the whole article before coming to an opinion, though. I’m not a monster.

Apple has suspended work on the second-generation Vision Pro headset to singularly focus on a cheaper model, The Information reports.

And how much would this Apple Vision cost?

The objective is to sell this model for around the same price as a high-end iPhone, which retails for up to $1,600.

More than 50-percent-off would be a substantial difference, leading us to wonder exactly what you’d be left with when you strip out certain components.

“What if we took off the strap and users just held it to their faces?”

It’s possible the Apple Vision might just be sold as more of a concept—a figurative Vision, if you will—instead of something tangible. That could really drive the component cost down.

How about you pay now instead?

If you have “rare reversal” on your Apple news bingo card, please fill in that space, as Apple is ending a somewhat controversial payment option that it only introduced last year.

“Apple discontinuing Apple Pay Later, ahead of new features launching this fall”

Apple Pay Later was always a bit of an odd offering coming from Apple. “You want this thing now and we want you to pay us forever. It’s like we were made for each other.”

Don’t worry, though. You can still fulfill your dream of going into debt to Apple.

Apple emphasizes in its statement that its focus is on the new installment loan features coming to Apple Pay later this year.

The new installment features may or may not include visits from beefy gentlemen who say “You got a nice place here. Be a shame if somethin’ were to happen to it.” before idly knocking a tchotchke off your mantel.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

June 14, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: All In

It’s official! Apple has AI! (Coming later.) Its other new operating system features also made an appearance at the WWDC keynote and if you see a Microsoft employee this week, give them a hug. They might need it.

Bandwagon = joined

OK, yes, we’re going to have to talk about AI again, but I’m pretty sure this is the last time we’ll have to.

Apple unveiled a range of AI offerings starting with Apple Intelligence—a collection of features done via both on-device learning and through secure cloud-based processing—and ending with the ability to pass queries off to ChatGPT when only a demonstrably wrong answer will do.

Reaction to Image Playground, a feature that provides AI-generated images in response to prompts, seems to be a unanimous blech, largely based on the generic DALL-E-looking output, but also on the input. Hope you don’t use “the open web” because, like so many other AI companies, Apple appears to have helped itself to whatever works you might have put out there in order to train its system. Don’t worry, though. You can opt out now, after all the five-legged AI-generated horses have bolted.

It’s currently not clear exactly how Apple is applying what its Applebot learned from reading the entire web. If it’s just teaching it how to talk, that’s less bad than teaching it what to say. But clearly something went into training Image Playground how to make those images no one seems to like very much.

A big question on many minds is, will Apple Intelligence hallucinate? Sure, it will. Don’t we all? I know I do. What? Who said that? But Apple says it did its best.

“How will Apple’s new AI change your phone? I asked Tim Cook.”

Cook: It’s not 100 percent. But I think we have done everything that we know to do, including thinking very deeply about the readiness of the technology in the areas that we’re using it in.

You can’t make an AI without breaking a few eggs, many of which come in cartons of 13 and have an unexpected number of yolks.

The much-rumored and oft sought-after AI-powered better Siri even made a brief appearance, if just a bit of a cameo.

Speaking of which, if you want to have the original Siri do a Cameo for you, you can.

Also present

Turns out Apple did announce things that were not related to AI, if you can believe it. Not sure why they bothered, but they did.

The new version of macOS will be Sequoia and one of its big new features is, uh, your iPhone. A new feature of Continuity actually lets you remote control your iPhone right from your desktop. Apple has asked people not to then run Screens from their iPhones to then control the Mac as it could collapse the space/time continuum.

In terms of other platforms, visionOS also got some smaller updates and the iPad finally has a calculator, which has a number of cool new features, such as the ability to solve handwritten calculations. If you never thought you’d use algebra after graduating, you’ll at least use it to try this feature. And then probably never again.

As foretold, iOS 18 has new options for icons, including the ability to not show app titles, for those who like to live on the edge.

“I’m pretty sure it’s one of these blue ones. Maybe this? Nope. This? Wrong again.”

Not great, Microsoft Bob!

But enough about Apple. How was Microsoft’s week?

Could have been better.

First the company had to walk back its recently announced Recall feature because it’s a security nightmare. Then ProPublica published a lengthy expose on the company’s lack of reaction to a security bug.

“Microsoft Chose Profit Over Security and Left U.S. Government Vulnerable to Russian Hack, Whistleblower Says”

Well, how bad could it have been? Well, it allowed Russia to:

…vacuum up sensitive data from a number of federal agencies, including, ProPublica has learned, the National Nuclear Security Administration, which maintains the United States’ nuclear weapons stockpile…

OK, I’m not an expert on nuclear weapons (you’re thinking of my brother) but that seems bad.

To add insult to injury received by stepping on multiple rakes…

“Apple Passes Microsoft to Become World’s Most Valuable Company Again”

This change is probably less because of the Recall fiasco and the company dropping the nuclear football and more because Apple simply made AI announcements. Wall Street has signaled that Apple checked that box it wanted checked. Good job!

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

June 7, 2024 2:07 PM PT

This Week in Apple: There’s AI and then there’s AI

AI is coming to Apple devices but it’s not what you thiiiiink. The big news, however, is what else we’re going to be getting: a laundry list of stuff we’ve wanted for a while. And is anybody going to be getting in line at Lowe’s to try a Vision Pro?

Everything happens at Craig’s house

Remember Christmas at Craig’s house? You were there. We were all having a good time, drinking “nog” and singing carols (you were off-tune, by the way). After a while we’re looking around and we’re like, hey, where’s Craig?! The guy snuck off upstairs! Hey, Craig! Get down here, we’re having a good time!

Turns out he was maybe having a bit of a panic attack.

“Apple went all in on AI after Craig Federighi tested Github Copilot during his Christmas break”

Now we are just days away from seeing how Apple has changed course in the intervening months. Honestly, though, what could Apple announce next week that could beat the fine AI offerings already available from other companies?

“Microsoft’s hallmark AI feature dubbed a security disaster just days away from Apple’s privacy-focused AI launch at WWDC”

“Google scrambles to manually remove weird AI answers in search”

“Humane Tells Customers to Stop Using AI Pin’s Charge Case Due to Fire Risk”

“Google Researchers Say AI Now Leading Disinformation Vector (and Are Severely Undercounting the Problem)”

Oh. Well. Anyway, if you thought Apple would choose not to use the term “AI”, psych! Get ready for Apple Intelligence.

“‘Apple Intelligence’ will automatically choose between on-device and cloud-powered AI”

The Verge helpfully gives you the tl;dr right up at the top.

Bloomberg reports that Apple’s AI features for its apps will focus on ‘broad appeal’ and privacy, while leaving the chatbots to others like OpenAI.

This seems like the right, sensible approach that one maybe wishes other companies would take. So expect everyone to keep saying Apple’s behind in AI because they’re not shoveling garbage answers into everyone’s screens like coal into a steam engine.

Burying the lede

OK, so we’re getting AI. But that’s not what regular Apple product users should be excited about.

“iOS 18 and macOS 15 to Feature Refreshed Settings App”

The Settings app on iPhone and iPad and the System Settings on Macs will get an updated UI with a “reorganized, cleaner layout” that’s simpler to navigate.

Is it possible that Mac users’ long national nightmare will soon be over?

“It Was Hell,” Recalls Survivor Of MacOS Ventura and Sonoma System Settings App

But that’s not all, as Mark Gurman continues to dish the deets.

“Apple to Debut Passwords App in Challenge to 1Password, LastPass”

While some consider this antitrust bait, those of us who’ve watched 1Password sell out (I liked their early stuff) and LastPass simply blow it might have other opinions.

Also according to Mark Gurman, Apple will ship a number of other remarkable enhancements to its operating systems, including:

• A revamped Control Center with multiple pages and more customization.
• An updated macOS Mail.app featuring Gmail-style email grouping capability and AI-assisted smart replies.
• Retro wallpaper packs that “reference old school icons and slogans”.
• Messages will let you react to an iMessage with any emoji.

And they’re not even going to charge for this upgrade?

Vision Lowe

Not to be outdone, the Vision Pro is also on the verge of a tantalizing user experience.

“Apple Vision Pro demo coming to Lowe’s home improvement retail locations”

I used to shop for Macs in the back of a CompUSA and even I was not expecting this.

Apparently Lowe’s has an immersive experience that allows you to see your kitchen of the future using the Vision Pro, like a 1950s GE ad come to life. Or… virtual life, anyway. Who says there aren’t enough experiences for the Vision Pro?

“A Lowe’s kitchen specialist will meet with you for a one-on-one experience, which should take about 45 minutes,” according to the website.

Hey, I’m an introvert. If I wanted to have an awkward conversation with someone in a kitchen for 45 minutes, I’d just go to a party. C’mon.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

May 31, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Refrigerator+

TV+ is going where few Apple apps have before. But if that news is unexpected, don’t worry. There’s plenty of familiar App Store litigation and AI news to cover.

TV+ everywhere

I want to say just two words to you, Benjamin. Just two words. “Services revenue.”

“Apple Signals That It’s Working on TV+ App for Android Phones”

Yes, soon even Android users will not have to use the “sweet solution” of watching TV+ shows via Apple’s website. Not only will this help sate the god of services revenue that Tim Cook serves, who must be offered blood sacrifice (or cash, cash will do, too), it might also slightly help in defusing arguments that Apple forces customers to be locked in to its ecosystem.

“No, no. Look, you can watch TV+ plus on simply the worst types of phone, too. Absolute garbage. Just terrible.”

I was going to make a joke about being able to run TV+ on a smart refrigerator, but as the person in our house who does most of the cooking, that actually doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.

The App Store litigation fad

Yet another country has its eyes set on Apple’s App Store. Two more and Apple gets a free antitrust action! Wow!

“Next Apple antitrust battle set to be in India; Apple lobbying against it”

The Indian government says that the law is needed because a few tech giants have “immense control” over the market.

Well, not wrong about that.

India seems to find the EU’s ideas intriguing and has possibly subscribed to its newsletter.

As with the DMA, the Digital Competition Bill would allow Apple to be fined up to 10% of its global turnover for any breach of the law.

If India is running the EU’s playbook, at least Apple will have a response queued up and ready to go.

If Apple is looking to fill its punch card (it’s not), it’ll have to look somewhere other than China, though.

“China court rules in favour of Apple in case involving controversial app store fees”

The argument here might not have been the strongest one, however.

A court in Shanghai rejected a Chinese consumer’s claim that Apple was abusing its market dominance with high iOS App Store fees…

Didn’t we just have a whole news cycle about how terribly Apple’s doing in China? Make up your mind, Apple news! It can’t be both!

AI for days

I know we haven’t talked about it before but let’s—you know, for a change of pace—talk about this… [squints, reading paper]… ey… aye.

Oh, “AI”. It says “AI”. Not sure what that is. First time I’m hearing of it. Let’s take a look.

“OpenAI is helping Apple fix Siri, and that has Microsoft worried”

There are a lot of problems with the current state of AI, such as the lack of licensing for source material and the fact that it burns a ton of energy only to tell you to put glue on your pizza.

But if it can fix Siri… well.

Imagine a Siri that can do all the functions of any app for you. I wonder if you can.

“Apple Plans AI-Based Siri Overhaul to Control Individual App Functions”

It’s possible we’re setting the bar for Siri announcements at WWDC a little high by expecting a Siri that can walk, talk, chew gum, and tie its shoes at the same time. We might be better off considering ourselves lucky to get just two of those.

While improving Siri might be the most tantalizing result, AI can be used for other things. The Journal app was largely met with a collective “meh” when it was released, but what if the Journal app journaled for you? Hey, journaling is great, other than all that tedious journaling. With AI, the Journal app could use data already on your iPhone to make entries about what you did that day and you wouldn’t have to type a thing.

“You spent six hours in the bathroom watching YouTube videos of capybaras lounging around in Japanese hot springs.”

HEY. It was five hours at most. Plus, those capybaras really know how to live.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

May 24, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Carl’s Jr.+

Apple pushes back against regulators as photos come back from the dead. Lastly, I should apparently not write about streaming service bundles around lunchtime.

Not going gentle into that good night

Apple is hoping that the path of legal recourse is a two-way street.

“Apple questions validity of DOJ antitrust lawsuit in bid to dismiss case”

“Your honor, what even is a ‘lawsuit’? Dresswear for bills that have passed Congress? I ask you, have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous? Why, even the Bill in the Schoolhouse Rock video upon which our entire system of governance is founded was naked but for a ribbon and a button.”

The company is also pushing back against the EU.

“Apple fights $2B antitrust fine over Spotify complaint, challenging EU in court”

Apple was happy to pony up for previous fines, which were in the paltry hundreds of millions, but a billion here and a billion there and pretty soon Tim Cook is walking down to Apple Legal asking what the hell is going on.

While Apple may be trying to stem the flood, the waters still seem to be rising.

“Apple may soon have to allow third-party app stores in Japan too”

Of course, in Japan it’s considered unusual to not be able to get apps from talking vending machines, clean and well-stocked 7-11s, and capybara cafes so this was probably inevitable.

Shutter bug

Apple recently introduced a new Photos feature allowing you to revisit magic moments that you might have forgotten about because you mistakenly deleted them.

Oh, wait, that’s not a feature, it’s a bug.

Well, now it’s patched, but not after it kind of freaked people out. Thursday afternoon, Apple elaborated to 9to5Mac about the bug, explaining that it was a database corruption problem and affirming that:

• The bug only hit a small number of devices and photos.
• If a device was properly reset before sale, photos would not magically return to it after it was sold (no matter what that dude on Reddit said).
• Photos are not in a state of quantum flux in which they are both deleted and not deleted depending upon the act of observation. It’s just a bug.

Of course, that’s just what a company that has invented a quantum state manipulation device and has clumsily introduced a show about just such a device at the same time would say.

Or is it?

Bundle up

Speaking of changing the state of things, remember how it seemed like every company from HBO to Paramount to Carl’s Jr. was making their own streaming service? Laugh if you want, but the show in which the Big Angus El Diablo Combo was a good cop on the edge was really good and deserved better than to be canceled after two seasons.

Chief: “Turn in your badge, Big Angus El Diablo Combo!”

Big Angus El Diablo Combo: “I’ll turn in my badge… after justice is served! Hot and spicy. With a Coke and fries. See local details for offer.”

Chief: “You’re out of line, Big Angus El Diablo Combo!”

Big Angus El Diablo Combo: “You’re out of line! This whole town is out of line! But get in line for charbroiled burger and breakfast combos daily.”

I could write this all day. His partner is Chicken Tender Wraps. There’s a lot of sexual tension between them.

Anyway, instead of every company having a separate streaming service, what if instead we combined the streaming services into some sort of, oh, package or bundle?

“Netflix, Apple TV+ and Peacock bundle priced at $15/mo for Comcast Xfinity customers”

So, if you’re already paying for Comcast, you can get Netflix, Apple TV+ and the streaming service equivalent of a player to be named later for $8 less a month, as long as you don’t mind ads on two of them.

Honestly, of the two combos I’ve mentioned here, I’d rather have the Big Angus El Diablo.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

May 17, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Going hard on the software

The new iPad Pros are astounding, fast, and durable machines that run an operating system. In other news, the new chatbots are here and we’ll never hear the end of it.

It’s a real good news/bad news situation

If you’ve been living under a rock for the past week… well, I have a lot of questions. First, I hope this is just a hatch-type situation where the rock is simply hiding the door to a silo or bunker because otherwise that sounds really uncomfortable. Unless it’s a very small rock, in which case why bother? We can see you. But I don’t want to get distracted because we have Apple news to talk about, so let’s circle back around to this living-under-a-rock situation later.

The Apple web’s main discourse this week revolved around reviews of the new iPad Pros (tl;dr very impressive, hecka fast, lighter than air because they are literally lighter than the iPad Airs) and thoughts about the overall iPad experience. The consensus is the hardware is awesome, it’s just a shame it’s wasted on iPadOS.

“Not an iPad Pro Review: Why iPadOS Still Doesn’t Get the Basics Right”

Can you do pro work on an iPad? Sure. As long as you don’t want to do anything else while you’re doing it. As Steve Troughton-Smith points out, if you try to switch to another app while exporting a video from Final Cut Pro, it just stops. Like a lightweight but bizarrely fast baby, iPadOS has not yet developed object permanence.

Surely all the speed of that M4 can’t just be for processing whatever task is in the foreground. It’s possible Apple has another story to tell when WWDC rolls around next month.

Will it b[l]end?

You’ll be happy to know the new iPad Pros perform well in the blend test.

“New iPad Pro performs well in extreme bend test, beats previous-gen”

I don’t know what kind of maniacs are putting iPad Pros in blenders or, indeed, where they find blenders large enough to…

What?

Oh, it says bend. OK, that makes more sense.

But didn’t we just talk about that “Crush” ad? I get that it’s for science, it’s just a little gut-wrenching to me to see people attempting to destroy a device I now can’t stop thinking about after only briefly holding one in an Apple Store yesterday.

They’re really thin. I don’t know if you’ve heard. And apparently pretty strong. And fast. Sadly, they’re not giving them away.

I suppose if you work in the field somewhere—like an actual field, possibly one covered with stampeding rhinos—then maybe you’d want to be concerned about how much damage an iPad Pro can take. But normal users won’t be putting this device in their back pockets and trying to sit down.

Not even Todd. And we all know what he did with that Xserve all those years ago. I didn’t even know that was physically possible.

It’s an AI world, we just live in it

Both OpenAI and Google held events during which they announced some astounding new AI features that are exciting, raise a fair number of questions, and will have you scrambling to opt out of having your online presence scraped for free.

OpenAI came out swinging with its very chatty GPT-4o chatbot that exhibits a remarkable ability to converse with human users. On the other hand, I noticed several instances where a presenter had to talk over it to get it to shut up and at one point it said “Announcements are always a big deal!” It’s like having your own MBA at home! (Before you get mad: MBA, University of Washington, 1992.)

Google held its I/O event this week and it also led with some astounding AI features, including a home study session with two chatbots that had previously gobbled up an “open-source textbook” and were able to jovially regurgitate it back and forth to each other. Google’s examples generally leave out its intent, which is to eat the entire web and obviate your need to go those troublesome websites at all.

Which brings me back to the beginning. Tell me more about this rock.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

May 10, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Ad-itional commentary

Apple breaks its usual pattern with the new iPad Pros this week, its possible next CEO is a huge fan of public transportation, and what happened to the time-honored method of releasing apologies via a Notes screenshot?

The Fantastic M4s

They called them mad (MAD!) at the Institute (AHAHAHAHA!) but Apple did it anyway: it leapfrogged its M3-based Mac lineup and put an M4 in the iPad Pro first. Now, BEHOLD THE POWER!

To do what, exactly? Well… it’s really fast. There’s that. It does seem likely the company will have another iPad story to tell next month at WWDC about how people can take advantage of all this computing power, so stay tuned for more on these smoking hot processors that actually don’t run that hot at all.

While it did go nuts at the high end, Apple actually rationalized the iPad lineup a bit. You’ll pay more for an iPad Pro now, but it has the latest and greatest processors Apple makes and, particularly with the introduction of the 13-inch iPad Air and discontinuation of the 9th generation iPad, spreads the lineup out a bit. Now when your cousin asks you which iPad they should buy, you won’t have to run two spreadsheets and a flow chart to figure it out.

You’ll still need a spreadsheet to figure out which Pencil to buy, though.

Apple Exec: The Next Generation

If Mark Gurman is to be believed (and, hey, he was right about those M4 iPad Pros), that guy you saw talking to a camera on BART about new iPads is the odds-on favorite to be the next CEO of Apple.

So, let’s meet senior vice president of hardware engineering John Ternus! Either a Taurus or a Gemini (he likes to keep an air of mystery!), John graduated from the University of Pennsylvania and joined Apple in 2001 as a member of the design team! The youngest member of Apple’s executive corps, John likes long walks on the beach, friendship bracelets, and making his patented tater-tots-n-cheese for that special someone!

(Some of that may have been made up, but I think it’s pretty close just from his general vibe.)

Whoever takes over for Cook, we can be sure that they’ll be better than if Apple’s board listened to Cook’s critics just seven years ago who said the company should buy Tesla and make Elon Musk CEO.

Of course, that’s not saying much. Better choices for CEO than Musk include:

• The Hamburglar
• Hans Moleman
• Skeletor
• A sack full of angry badgers

Promoting from within by cultivating and rewarding success is definitely the best way for Apple to keep being Apple. Although, honestly, I kind of want to see the Hamburglar regime.

Crushing it

While most everything Apple showed at its Tuesday morning event was fast, some of it was out of control. The company’s “Crush” ad attempted to show all the creative things you can do with an iPad…by literally crushing creative things.

In terms of metaphors, probably should have reconsidered that one.

Perhaps not really wanting yet another sign that capitalism is the hydraulic press under which we are all obliterated, the ad was met with some large degree of backlash in the days after the event. Everyone from Hugh Grant to Stephen Colbert felt obliged to weigh in. The situation got bad enough that just two days later, Apple apologized for the ad, saying “We missed the mark with this video, and we’re sorry.” The company canceled plans to run the spot on TV and will spend the weekend sitting in its room thinking about what it did and reflecting on the bad choices that led it to making that ad.

Well. Now we can all put this unpleasantness behind us and get on to the real scandal.

Can you believe they’re not putting stickers in the iPad boxes anymore?!

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

May 3, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Event horizon

Oh, you like bizarre Apple rumors? Name M4. Apple is “behind” on AI and will probably still be after next week’s iPad event, something the EU must have just heard about.

Putting the cart M4 the horse

New iPads will be announced next week and Mark Gurman slid in just before the wacky rumor deadline.

“Gurman: New iPad Pro may actually be powered by the M4 chip, touting AI features”

An M4? In this economy?

This caused a great frenzy of speculation about how this might possibly come to pass. Would the new iPads be AI powerhouses, fueled by an all-new chip secretly made in an heretofore unknown orbital TSMC fabrication plant? Would this “M4” really be an “M3” with “4” written over the “3” with a Sharpie? Or was Gurman all hopped up on goofballs? Tune in Tuesday morning to find out.

Apple will surely make some references to AI next week, but as we will see in the next section, it seems it will just be a soupçon rather than the firehose of repetition that “5G” got at 2020’s iPhone 12 event.

Just a hint of AI

The Washington Post asks:

“Apple is behind in AI and killed its self-driving car project. What’s next?”

Uh, well, excuse me, but how can Apple be “behind” when it is conducting double secret advanced AI in an international lab?

“Apple has ‘secretive’ advanced AI lab in Europe; poached specialists from Google”

The Financial Times apparently only identifies the lab as being in Zurich but it seems pretty safe to describe it as a mountaintop lair. Feel free to make your own dioramas of what it looks like, but just know that mine has no fewer than 14 machine-gun-wielding guards on skis. I’d have added more but this shoe box just isn’t that big.

Also, I ran out of army men.

One of them is actually a cowboy.

Again, I feel like I have to point out that a lot of the AI that is currently being pushed out is 10 lbs. of hot garbage stuffed into a small device that should more rightly have just been an app, except for the fact that VC funding is the zombie virus that will destroy us all.

AI startup: “We have half an idea. But we worked someplace famous.”

VC community: [fires millions of dollars at them out of a t-shirt cannon]

And what do you get for all that money?

“The Worst Product I’ve Ever Reviewed… For Now”

“Rabbit R1 review: nothing to see here”

(The latter is so advanced, so ahead of Apple, that you apparently type in your passwords for services via VNC. Enjoy the security!)

If you’re going to be behind on something, this seems like a better thing to be behind on than, say, a wheat thresher.

Despite Apple being so dreadfully behind, the company will reportedly only offer a “hint” at its AI ambitions next week.

…Apple Chief Executive Tim Cook is expected to hint at new artificial intelligence features next week and unveil them at the company’s World Wide Developers Conference in June.

Where have you gone, Trip Chowdhry? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Whoo whoo whoo.

Gotta catch ‘em all

The EU apparently woke up one day a few weeks ago and remembered that Apple also sells iPads.

“EU will force Apple to add app sideloading, alternative browser engine support to iPad”

Apple might not be happy about it, but it seemed relatively prepared, subsequently sighing heavily and stating that iPadOS would be getting all the same changes that were made to iOS for the EU. While it might make even less sense from a monopoly standpoint, it just makes sense from an operational standpoint. Who wants to have third-party store software they can use on their iPhone but not on their iPad?

Next, the EU will build a time machine and go back to demand sideloading on the iPod shuffle.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

April 26, 2024 11:38 AM PT

This Week in Apple: Imitation is the highest form of fatuity

Sound the klaxons, because Apple’s sales are down! Sales of Finewoven cases may soon go to zero altogether, but at least we’ll have a lot of Pencil options.

Apple’s doing bad!

How can this be?! Just a little while ago they were on top of the world!

“iPhone Sales in China Dropped Significantly in Q1 2024”

OK. OK. So, that’s China. But, surely, Apple’s doing well in the U.S.?

“iPhone activation market share hits new low as Android dominates”:

The latest data shows a notable drop over the last year bringing Apple’s US smartphone market share of new activations back in time six years.

Well, maybe people are buying new iPhones and just not activating them. That’s probably it.

Anyway, Apple has new products out that are surely—

“Apple Vision Pro Customer Interest Dying Down at Some Retail Stores”

Oh, come on!

“Apple Cuts Vision Pro Shipments As Demand Falls ‘Sharply Beyond Expectations’”

Low Vision Pro demand makes no sense because last year I didn’t know anyone who had a Vision Pro and this year I know several. So, go back and check your maths.

While Apple sales may have dropped off, they’ve dropped off from pretty big highs. Also, there’s still one thing Apple will always be first at: being ripped off by its competitors.

“Huawei’s next smartwatch looks like a blatant Apple Watch ripoff”

The day Apple’s competitors stop dutifully copying the company’s designs, then maybe we should start worrying.

Finalwoven

Is it curtains for Finewoven?! (Note: do not make curtains out of Finewoven. It’s not good.)

Last weekend, a rumor claimed “Apple Reportedly Stops Production of FineWoven Accessories”.

Apple introduced Finewoven to much fanfare, proudly stating that it was removing leather from its product offerings. After trying out Finewoven, however, many customers began asking if Apple couldn’t at least kill a few cows, maybe just the ones who were jerks? The cows who drive slowly in the fast lane, take more items than they should into the express checkout, etc.

The rumors of Finewoven’s death, however, were followed up just days later with a claim that Apple did have one more “season” of Finewoven to deliver. It remains to be seen whether this will be a 26-episode U.S. network TV season or a 6-episode British TV season.

More like mini-nOLED, amirite?

This week Apple announced an iPad event for May 7th, with Tim Cook slyly asking people to “Pencil us in”.

Tim, buddy, you know I would love to want to do that, but 7 a.m. Pacific on a Tuesday doesn’t work for me. See, first the dog has to go out, then I have to get some coffee, and I gotta do my Duolingo. Can’t break my streak. You know that. Oh, and Tuesday is trash or recycling. It usually takes me a half an hour just to figure out which. Because I have to wait for the Hendersons to put theirs out first. I’ve asked Todd to get theirs out earlier so I’ll know, but he just stares at me incredulously.

I know you get up at 4 a.m., but what happened to having Apple events at a civilized hour… like 10 a.m.?

And all this to not get mini-OLED? Despite the rumors to date, display analyst Ross Young now says the iPad Air won’t feature a mini-OLED screen after all. Hope you didn’t snap all your other iPads in half already and throw them in the ocean. Partly because that’s an ecological nightmare.

Based on Cook’s coy reference to pencils, we can certainly expect Apple will deliver a new Pencil, thereby allowing us to spend weeks discussing Apple’s weird Pencil lineup again, like we did late last year. You’ve got your Apple Pencil (1st generation), your Apple Pencil (2nd generation) and your Apple Pencil (USB-C). I’ve got my fingers crossed for “Apple Pencil Pro”, if only because that opens the door to one day getting an “Apple Pencil Ultra”. That’s the world I want to live in.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]