By John Moltz

January 17, 2025 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Getting work/life balance the hard way

Sonos jettisons its CEO, Severance returns, and Goldman Sachs is still trying to wriggle out of the Apple Card deal.

“Apple CEO Tim Cook Will Attend Trump Inauguration”

What? How did that get in there?

Regardless, we are not talking about that.

Nope.

Nuh-uh.

I need a week off from that garbage. I have to take care of me.

Engage parachute

Big happenings at Sonos this week as CEO Patrick Spence stepped down in the wake of the company’s widely-panned new app launch and the lackluster sales performance of its new headphones. New “interim” CEO Tom Conrad then axed Chief Product Officer Maxime Bouvat-Merlin for good measure.

Heads will continue to roll until apps and sales improve.

It is apparently worth asking, would Steve Jobs have approved this app? He might have had the chance if he had listened to Tony Fadell.

After a report by The Information indicating an unnamed former Apple executive had encouraged Jobs to buy Sonos back in the day when kids were still saying things like “back in the day”, John Gruber reached out to Tony Fadell who confirmed it was he who made the suggestion to Jobs. The suggestion fell upon dismissive if not deaf ears as Jobs said in typically Jobsian fashion: “No one wants what they are selling.”

Well, no one wants that app, that’s for sure.

“Apple CEO Tim Cook Will Attend Trump Inauguration”

Or that! Stop it!

Putting the “fun” in “dysto… pi… an”?

Season two of the critically-acclaimed Apple TV+ show *Severance* begins today, so… happy *Severance*? That seems wrong for a show so bleak. Also, how am I supposed to start season two of this dystopian Apple TV+ show about people working in an office building when I haven’t even finished watching season two of the dystopian Apple TV+ show about people working in a silo?!

At least they’re currently filming another season of “Ted Lasso”. That’s not dystopian.

If you couldn’t wait until today for that hot, dystopian content that’s so popular with the young people these days, maybe you made it to Grand Central Station (motto: “It’s literally like Grand Central Station in here!”) where Apple staged a pop-up Lumon Industries set, complete with the actual actors from series and a visit from creator Ben Stiller.

[snort] Of course this makes no sense as we know that it is the elevator ride down to the offices that converts outties into innies. Therefore, they could not be in their innie personas in the middle of Grand Central Station. Thank you, but I shall consider this non-canon. Good day to you.

I SAID “GOOD DAY”!

“Apple CEO Tim Cook Will Attend Trump Inauguration”

I would rather be stuck in a glass box in Grand Central Station moving numbers around than discuss, watch or even think about that.

I was very clear about this.

Breaking up is hard to do

Particularly when there are legally binding contracts in place and expensive escape clauses. Still, Goldman Sachs wants out of this relationship!

“Goldman Sachs CEO says Apple card partnership may end before 2030”

Goldman isn’t sure that it can wait until the kids go off to college anymore. And it’s kind of understandable.

The business is housed within Goldman's platform solutions unit, which posted an $859-million annual net loss in 2024.

More like platform problems unit, amirite? Because $859 million here, $859 million there… big money.

Meanwhile, Apple is looking for its next victim.

“Exclusive: Apple in talks with Barclays, Synchrony to replace Goldman in credit card deal, sources say”

Any potential new partner is probably going to be a bit more careful reading the terms of service that Goldman Sachs apparently was.

“Apple CEO Tim Cook Will Attend Trump Inauguration”

Oh, my god, will you stop?

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

January 10, 2025 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Bad solutions

Apple preps a fix for news summaries that totally solves the problem (according to a news summary I read), Tim Cook tries to solve another problem in the worst way possible, and Dell just creates more problems for itself.

#Disclaimer

Apple has a sweet solution for fixing Apple Intelligence making things up. Turns out it involves more intelligence.

The company, in its first acknowledgement of the concerns, on Monday said it was working on a software change to “further clarify” when the notifications are summaries that have been generated by the Apple Intelligence system.

What if we had summaries, but they were long? These are the longest summaries Apple has ever shipped. And we think you’re going to love them.

As Jason notes, this might still be a problem because “Apple’s shipping a feature that frequently rewrites headlines to be wrong.” Not only wrong about details, sometimes wrong about things you could have gotten right with a coin flip.

Reality: Thing is 1.

Apple Intelligence: Thing is 0.

That is not only not helpful, that is counter-helpful. Which is to say potentially harmful. And that’s not the only thing!

Tim Trump

Just as last Friday’s column went to bed, Tim Cook’s PR team announced this.

“Apple CEO Tim Cook donates $1M to Trump’s inauguration fund”

Because you always announce something you’re completely proud of late on a Friday. Everyone knows that.

Cook, a proud Alabama native, believes the inauguration is a great American tradition, and is donating to the inauguration in the spirit of unity, the sources said.

For “unity” read “sucking up to a petty narcissist with a penchant for exacting revenge on those who don’t pay him sufficient homage”, as Cook has never donated to an inauguration before.

Look, there’s a first time for everything so maybe he’s just getting started. It just happens to be with the inauguration of America’s answer to Joffrey Baratheon, that’s all. It’s just coincidence.

Lest you think it’s just Tim Cook, however, it turns out that bowing down to the incoming administration is turning into a bit of a totally inexplicable fad! Couldn’t it have been high-waisted jeans or sideburns or something?

“Google and Microsoft donate $1 million apiece to Trump’s inauguration”

What a coincidental number! How did they ever come up with that? Ha-ha! They’re totally copying Apple again! Just incorrigible.

It is getting increasingly difficult to buy computers from a company not aiding and abetting the decline of democracy. Could this really be the year of Linux on the desktop? Maybe I should look at Elementary OS again.

Or maybe I should just use the same computer I used as a kid: a cardboard box with a monitor drawn on it and an overturned tray from a box of chocolates as the keyboard.

Yeah, that sounds sweet. You can’t even get Facebook on that.

Dell-irious

Hey, Dell. Samsung called. They want their slavish adherence to copying Apple back.

“Dell dumps its PC brands to be more like Apple”

Yes, the company that got famous for razzing Apple and selling the blandest corporate designs aimed at the weird kinks of IT procurement managers announced this week it was renaming its computers. Gone are the names like “Inspiron” and “Latitude” that made you think of mid-sized ‘90s Chrysler sedans or equally mid-fashion slacks from American Eagle. Welcome instead the totally original Dell, Dell Pro, and Dell Pro Max!

What?

As smartphones “naturally evolved” to look like iPhones and laptops “naturally evolved” to look like MacBooks, this is just the “natural evolution” of product names.

WHAT?!

Man, you Apple people. Just can’t see anything outside the Cupertino prism.

Sadly, Dell doesn’t seem to quite have the copy assignment down, as its product offering is further divided into Premium, Plus and Base, and…

The naming logic breaks down entirely for desktops. Just try to read the names Dell Pro Max Micro and Dell Pro Max Mini without having your brain self destruct.

Get yourself a Dell Pro Max Micro Premium running Windows 11 Pro for Workstations.

Is someone in PC branding getting paid by the word?

At a briefing around the rebranding in December, I asked CEO Michael Dell a simple question: “What does Dell gain by copying Apple?” Needless to say, he didn’t look pleased.

What, exactly, did he expect? “Ha-ha! No one will ever notice!” Seriously?

Even if we don’t need to suggest disbanding the company and giving the money back to the shareholders, can we at least disband these names?

“Mikey, there’s no easy way to say this but the organization wants to make a change. You can keep ‘Dell’ and ‘Dell Pro’ but we’re sending ‘Max’, ‘Micro’ and ‘Mini’ to HP for a player to be named later. I’m… sorry, Mikey.”

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

January 3, 2025 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: I’m goin’ to Wendy’s!

The Vision Pro goes limited edition, Mark Gurman gets misquoted, and lunch is on Siri.

Vision Proh no!

Is it curtains for the Vision Pro?! No. But can we at least get some curtains to cover up those eyeballs?

“Apple Vision Pro May Now Be Out of Production”

This shouldn’t be that surprising as we already knew that Apple has made pretty much every Vision Pro it expects to sell before the next version comes out.

But it remains to be seen if Apple is can make the device more appealing than the expensive, heavy, and slightly weird first version. So far the big hardware difference expected is a faster processor so the Vision Pro can run Apple Intelligence — something not many are clamoring for — and play games that don’t exist yet.

Hardware seems to be less of an issue, though, than software and price. Still, some gems continue to roll out from time to time.

“Apple Vision Pro just got a planetarium, and it’s friggin’ awesome”

The mad geniuses at Sandwich continue to be committed to the Vision Pro and have already updated their Theater app for the device, adding Plex streaming as well as a planetarium to pre-existing features like YouTube streaming.

Meanwhile, Wicked director Jon M. Chu said he used a Vision Pro to help edit the film. You know, like you do?

He would then zoom in and “draw” on the screen using his finger to point out potential edits. “Like, ‘hey, this ear looks weird on the goat’ …”

Slow sales figures sparking production cuts are one indicator, but if you know of a better way to point out edits that need to be made to virtual goat ears, then I’d like to hear it.

I thought not.

Misrumored

A minor brouhaha (a kerfuffle, if you will) erupted this week, as it was widely reported that Mark Gurman was suggesting Apple would, in addition to moving the charging port, put voice control in the upcoming revision to the Magic Mouse.

Gurman then sighed, saying: “You know nothing of my work.”

“Gurman: Voice Control for Next Magic Mouse ‘Makes Sense’”

…the rumor making the rounds today is just an incorrect back-and-forth translation of this line from my initial report…

Gurman was apparently just rattling off technologies, not suggesting they’d be squeezed into the diminutive device. And, thus, like Doctor Manhattan, did he leave the Earth for Mars, where he sat quietly to contemplate, far beyond the din of the masses.

OK, so if we can’t fulfill our lifelong dream of talking to mice, what else is on the horizon?

“iPhone 17 Air’s Thickness and Price Range Revealed in New Report”

New details indicate that while phones continue to get larger, they are at least getting thinner. The iPhone 17 Air is now reported to be about 20 percent thinner than the iPhone 16 and 25 percent thinner than the Phone 16 Pro.

For further comparison, that’s 344 percent thinner than the current MacBook Air and an astonishing 900 percent thinner than a PowerBook 5300. Just, you know, to put it in perspective.

Siri, how could you?

Apple’s about to make it rain dollar dollar bills on us, y’all.

“Apple will pay $95 million to settle Siri privacy lawsuit, and you might get a cut”

$95 million! That’s as much revenue as Apple makes in a quarter!

Oh, sorry, I misread Apple’s quarterly results. It makes $95 billion a quarter. So, it’s as much as the company makes in two hours. Yeah, they’re not even going to feel that. Dang.

Well, still. At least we aggrieved Apple customers are getting something.

Apple’s settlement will pay users up to $20 per Siri device impacted

Awww, yeah! Look out, Wendy’s! Ya boi coming for a 20-piece Saucy Nuggs Combo! And he’s gettin’ $2.21 back!

Unless there’s tax.

They may be able to take our privacy, but they’ll never take our Saucy Nuggs.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

December 27, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Inching up

Apple teases an Apple TV event of some kind, but new hardware won’t be coming until later in the year. And for a company that loves accessibility, it sure seems determined to make iPhone screens too big for a lot of people to use comfortably.

Remember, remember, the fourth and fifth of Janvember

Apple has taken to social media to tease an upcoming TV+ event on January 4th and 5th.

Apple’s images have a tagline that says “See for yourself,” but it isn’t clear what Apple has planned.

Could it be another “day we’ll never forget”? Eh, probably not. And we already kind of forgot that one, to be honest. Speculation revolves around either a free trial period for TV+ or a preview of upcoming shows. Personally, I hope it’s an open draft. Put your name in and you can be cast in Severance, Slow Horses, Silo or one of the other hit shows on Apple TV+ that starts with an ‘S’.

I’d love to be a sec unit in an upcoming season of “Murderbot”.

But, yeah, it’s probably just a preview.

Apple TV minus

Speaking of Apple’s TV offerings, the current batch of rumors indicated that we can expect to see a brand new Apple TV device some time in 2025.

Did they add another K when I wasn’t looking? I can’t even use all the Ks I have now. Not with my eyesight.

It’s actually not entirely clear what a new Apple TV would provide. Mark Gurman has speculated it would have a faster Wi-Fi and Bluetooth chip and possibly a built-in camera. That doesn’t seem like it’ll drive a lot of upgrades.

But what if it also had a faster chip? That, presumably, would be capable of running Apple Intelligence? Picture this: Image Playground on the big screen!

Nah, I’m good.

OK, fine, how about a cheaper Apple TV? Ming-chi Kuo says he believes Apple will once again ship a sub-$100 Apple TV unit. As long as it doesn’t run Apple Intelligence, I’ll take ten.

If you see a Pop Socket, they blew it

Apple may have canceled its truly small smartphone, but it still somehow makes the best small smartphone, according to some.

“iPhone 16 is surprisingly the best small phone of 2024 according to MKBHD”

Just imagine how much better of a best small smartphone of 2024 it would have been if it had been even smaller. Say… mini, for example.

I know. It’s a ridiculous idea. Whoever heard of a small smartphone?

What’s hilarious to me is that I distinctly recall a bunch of people trying to argue that Apple used a large-handed hand model to advertise the original iPhone in order to make it look smaller, because people were arguing it was too big. Now everyone wants phones the size of dinner plates.

Well, at least Apple is surely taking this success as a sign that it got it juuust right and can slow down on relentlessly making the next iteration of every iPhone ever bigger and bigger.

Now, to take a biiig sip of coffee before I read the iPhone 17 rumors.

The iPhone 17 could measure in at 6.3 inches, up from 6.1 inches…

PFFFFFFFFT.

iPhone sizes will continue to increase and morale can get bent, apparently.

With the iPhone 17 Air expected to be in the 6.5 to 6.6-inch range, that jabs the thumb even further into the eye of those of us who prefer smaller phones. Come 2026, the smallest phone Apple will be selling is likely to be the 6.1-inch iPhone SE 4.

Looks like I picked a bad year to get back on the Upgrade Program.

And to stop sniffing glue.

Ha, like I could stop sniffing glue.

It’s only Elmer’s, though. I just love the smell of it.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

December 20, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Thanks but no thanks

The rumor-mill crystal ball could use some polishing, nobody wants AI, and Apple canceled a new way to take your money? Does that sound right at all?

Outlook hazy

You love your iPad, right? You would never do anything… unnatural to it. Like… folding it, would you? Seems like shenanigans like that would void the warranty.

DSCC also expects an 18.8-inch foldable iPad Pro…

That’s a big iPad. No wonder it needs to be folded. The rumored device is expected in either 2027 or 2028. So probably more like 2029. Or never.

Also, did we say it was an iPad? That may not be right.

Rumors have been unclear on whether the upcoming foldable device will be an ‌iPad‌ or a Mac, but either is feasible depending on what operating system Apple opts to go with.

Used to be when you had rumors of an Apple product they at least knew what the product was. These days, they make the rumors out of nothing. Just like the burgers.

I just imagine Apple working on stuff and going “Is this anything?”

Tim Cook: “Oh, wow. What is this?”

Johny Srouji: “It’s an iPad.”

Tim Cook: …

Johny Srouji: “Or… or a Mac. Um… what do you think it should be?”

Well, at least we know what the iPhone 17 will look like.

“Leakers clash over iPhone 17 camera layout – triangular versus horizontal”

Seriously? Those are very different shapes. Even if you could put them in the same hole.

OK. OK. What do we know?

“Report: Apple designing all new Magic Mouse, fixing charge port placement”

Could our long peripheral nightmare soon be over?

Finally, rumors say new Vision products, both Pro and the non-Pro version which I’m calling “Vision Amateur”, will be coming in 2026. And, get this, both will feature lower prices, not just the Vision Amateur, as Apple broadens its list of parts suppliers. Turns out those economies? They scale. Who knew?

Hard pass on AI

Surprise! No one wants AI.

“iPhone vs. Samsung AI Survey: AI Features Fall Short: 73% of iPhone Users and 87% of Samsung Users Say They Add Little or No Value”

Yes, it’s a survey run by a site that buys and sells used phones. Which is not always the best place to get reliable information. But it’s probably at least directionally correct. So, why aren’t people excited about AI? Despite Tim Cook’s repeated insistence that he loooves the summarization feature and uses it all the time, not everyone is as enamored.

“Call to ban Apple Intelligence summary feature after Luigi Mangione error”

OK, yes, Apple Intelligence did suggest that the alleged murderer of the CEO of United Healthcare killed himself. But what about all the people it didn’t incorrectly say killed themselves? No one ever mentions them.

At least there are no downsides to AI at all.

“Huge growth in AI usage could cause electricity blackouts in US from next year”

I’m literally getting quotes for solar panels right now. True story.

The services revenue buffet is not endless

The god of services revenue ever hungers, but sometimes even gods must be denied.

Bloomberg: Apple scraps plans to offer iPhone hardware subscription service

According to Bloomberg, Apple would have charged you directly for your iPhone on a monthly basis instead of using a loan issued by a bank. Tim Cook will have to look for other ways to satiate the god he pledged his undying fealty to all those years ago.

While Apple will not be directly servicing those loans, at least it appears it also won’t be directly impacted by tariffs imposed by the incoming administration, according to Deepwater Management.

Make no mistake, increased tariffs are coming for many manufacturers, but Apple and Tesla will be spared high tariffs – Trump doesn’t want Tesla to lose to BYD or Apple to lose to Samsung.

Oh. Yayyy. Turns out sucking up pays off. Thank goodness the system works.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

December 13, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: The sincerest form of flattery

The Vision Pro gains some respect while Image Playground is a thing you can now use. Speaking of getting used, look out, Johny Srouji!

C:\ONGRTLNS.AXR

While sales of the Vision Pro may not be huge, Apple does have a couple of feathers to add to its figurative cap.

Does Tim Cook wear literal hats? Will have to research.

First, Popular Science has named Apple’s latest the “Innovation of the Year”. Apparently the “popular” part is judged on a sliding scale, adjusted by price.

Calling it “a new dimension for augmented reality”, Popular Science likes the cut of the Vision Pro’s jib and thinks the platform has potential.

So, if you’re going to copy, why not copy from the best? Yes, the Vision Pro is apparently at least good enough to warrant a Samsung copy. That counts as a feather, right? I mean… not like an eagle feather. Something from a more common bird. Pigeon. Budgie, maybe.

“This Vision Pro clone from Samsung and Google is good news for Apple users”

It weighs less, will probably cost less, and looks as much like a Vision Pro as you’ve come to expect from Samsung’s crack Apple copying team. Whether or not anyone will want to use Android XR, which is now built around AI after Google changed gears, is still a question.

Personally, I prefer to get Google’s AI to tell me to use gasoline to make spaghetti on the web, not my face.

The hellmouth at the bottom of the Uncanny Valley

Apple released iOS 18.2 with additional AI features this week, so now everyone (with a new enough iPhone) can… enjoy? That doesn’t seem like the right word. Let’s just say “experience”, that’s neutral enough. Experience the flabbergasting, twisted nightmare of the soul that is Image Playground.

Have you ever wanted to see computer-generated images of yourself that look a bit like you but also not like you, like staring into a funhouse mirror? Without the fun?

Well…, has Apple got an app for you.

As Jason and Dan’s review details, the interface for Image Playground is pretty good. The results are another matter. I could show you some images it generated of me to drive home the point… but looking at them, I would really rather not.

Apple also delivered Genmoji and some new writing and drawing… again “features” doesn’t seem right. We’ll just call them “things” until we can sort this out. It’s questionable why we really want AI to take over the fun parts of life, like being creative, rather than the drudgery like doing taxes.

When I asked Writing Tool to make that last sentence funnier, it came back with:

Why do we want AI to hog the fun stuff, like painting masterpieces, instead of letting it handle the snoozefest of doing taxes?

It’s not terrible but… I would definitely not say AI is painting any masterpieces. Don’t quit your day job, Apple Intelligence. Whatever that may be.

Inside Intel

Things are going great over at Intel, thanks for asking.

After the forced retirement of CEO Pat Gelsinger, Intel now apparently has its sights set on none other than Apple vice president of Hardware Technologies Johny Srouji for the company’s new head honcho.

Personally I would love to hear that pitch.

“Hey, we know you’ve got a nice position with a highly successful company at the top of its processor game, buuut how’d you like to come captain this sinking rowboat being rowed in circles miles from land? Before you answer, you should know that the rowboat is also on fire.”

Sometimes it is nice to take on a challenge (and make a crapton of money doing it), but that didn’t work out so great for Ron Johnson when he went to run JC Penney. Be careful what you sign up for.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

December 6, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Who’s asking?

Tim Cook sits down for another interview (two more and he gets a free set of steak knives), Apple and Spotify take a look at your taste in music, and changes are coming to how iPhones handle memory, all for AI.

More time with Tim

If you’ve ever wanted get into it with Tim Cook about AI, this week there was an interview for you.

“Tim Cook Wants Apple to Literally Save Your Life”

Please.

Writing for Wired, Steven Levy asked Cook about Apple’s awkward Apple Intelligence ads and his own comments about its features.

I’ve heard you say that Apple Intelligence could make you funnier, which seems strange.

I think it can make you friendlier, which, in many ways, can be funnier as well.

Well… no. But, OK.

Turns out if Tim doesn’t like a question, he just doesn’t answer it.

If AGI does actually happen, how would that affect Apple?

That’s a discussion that we’ll continue to have.

Tim, can you tell us your fundamental message for our times, that encapsulates the meaning of existence and holds the secrets to reinforcing the connection that holds the human race together?

My fundamental belief is, if you’re looking at your phone more than you’re looking in somebody’s eyes, that’s a problem.

Beautiful.

Questionable tastes on display

Apple released its annual Apple Music Replay this week and people were gleefully sharing their results. It used to be that no one would know what your poor choices in music were. Now people put it out there for everyone to see. What a time to be alive. Thank god these features weren’t around when the Spin Doctors were popular.

Apple Music Replay 1992: “You listened to ‘Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong’ four thousand three hun-… oh, my god, is that right? Seriously? These numbers are going to come back and haunt you, you know.”

Spotify also released its annual music review, Spotify Wrapped, leading to a bit of comparison between the two services. While Replay on iOS finally keeps you in the app (in a web view), Replay in Music on the Mac kicks you out to the web. Spotify, meanwhile, included an AI podcast instead of other features users have found fun in the past.

The result is meant to feel like you’re listening to a podcast about your Wrapped.

“Area Grown-Assed Man Listens to a Surprising Number of Superhero Movie Soundtracks.” Thanks, but no thanks.

This surely had nothing to do with the fact that Spotify cut 2,300 jobs last year.

When asked for comment on how it decided what to include in Wrapped this year, Spotify simply said, “Every year we look to bring a new and exciting experience to Wrapped for listeners. It’s part of the secret sauce of Wrapped.”

Did an AI write that response?

Dubious features

You know the old saying: “It’s not a feature it’s a… actually, I don’t know what this is.”

“Apple Looking to Fundamentally Change iPhone Memory Design to Enhance AI Performance”

The shift will mark a departure from the current package-on-package (PoP) method, where the low-power double data rate (LPDDR) DRAM is stacked directly on the System-on-Chip (SoC).

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Sure. I was gonna suggest that. LPDDR. PoPping and SoCking.

Now, there might be a downside.

It may also use more power and increase latency.

All so we can walk faster through the uncanny valley of Image Playground. OK.

All that work for AI is still not as little requested as this:

“You can buy Bitcoin with Apple Pay via new Coinbase rollout”

Now you can convert your real money to fake money right from your iPhone!

That’s great and all but can I buy Hawk Tuah meme coin with Apple Pay? (If you don’t know what Hawk Tuah is, do not type it into your favorite search engine. Or anything.) Probably just as well that you can’t as — gasp! — it seems to be a bit of a pyramid scheme!

“‘Hawk Tuah’ Girl Launched Her Own Crypto Coin That Became Worthless In Minutes”

People lost money investing in a scamming crypto currency pushed by a shameless self-promoter? Now I’ve seen everything.

Angry investorvictims have taken to the dumpster fire formerly known as Twitter to attempt to get their money back.

Good. Luck. With. That.

What’s the world coming to when you can’t trust a person who got famous for saying [WHAT SHE GOT FAMOUS FOR SAYING REDACTED] with your money?

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

November 29, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: The future is (not) here

CarPlay comes to GM cars, despite the company’s desires; Apple faces more regulatory headwinds; and, no, that AI supercycle is not happening.

CarPlayin’ around

I often keep tabs open with stories about GM’s travails since grandiosely ditching CarPlay and Android Auto because I am a big fan of cringe comedy.

So, in reviewing my open tabs for this week’s column I ran into this interview The Verge did earlier this month with GM’s VP of software, Baris Cetinok. Cetinok defended the company’s move, saying:

“You get the most out of your vehicle because now we’re the company that builds the vehicle and is also creating the infotainment experience, the cluster experience, the app, and everything. We’re going to build that one day and maybe a voice assistant on top of it.”

And a pony.

For its part, The Verge noted:

Every time we do a Decoder episode with a car person, we talk about CarPlay, and then we get an avalanche of emails from people who say they’ll never buy a car without it.

I might be a little more amenable to the idea that you should own the whole stack if much of that user experience didn’t already exist outside of the car environment and wasn’t owned by smartphone companies and if it was a company other than GM trying to do it. Ah, yes, put the company that made the Corvair and the Vega in charge of my entire user experience. Mmm, nice.

Good news: this week the market stepped in and said “Enough!”

“GM’s mission to eliminate Android Auto and CarPlay has been thwarted by this clever third-party kit”

White Automotive & Media Services of New Hudson, Mich., has created a fully integrated CarPlay/Android Auto system for Chevy EVs. You know, if you don’t want to wait for GM to cobble a pony together from spare parts.

Everybody’s doing it

Oh, boy, more Apple regulatory news this week. Yayyyyy.

“China tries to exert control over Apple Intelligence launch there”

Oh nooo. Will Chinese citizens not be allowed to know the awkward pleasures of wandering through Image Playground’s uncanny valley? First they had to suffer through the Cultural Revolution and now this?

“Apple Faces Daily Fines in Brazil Over App Store Payment Restrictions”

BOR-ING.

This stuff makes writing about daily deals look interesting.

Honestly, maybe it’s self-indulgent, but I’m really tired of talking about Apple’s run-ins with government regulations. I started writing about Apple because I loved its products. I didn’t start writing about it because I loved fights between companies and regulatory agencies over app store rules. There weren’t even any app stores when I started writing about Apple! That would have been impossible!

Gah.

I wonder if Jason would mind if I just started captioning these sections something like “EU fines Apple for Candy Crush approval fiasco” but then put my Star Trek fan fiction in the body.

It’s good stuff. All post-Dominion War.

There’s a dryly sarcastic Andorian security officer.

No one asked for this

Get ready to put on your surprised face because, according to IDC, AI is not driving a smartphone supercycle as many had predicted.

Wait, nobody wants that thing nobody asked for?

Weirrrrd.

“While GenAI continues to be a hot topic and top priority for many vendors…

Vendors, not customers.

…it is yet to impact demand significantly and drive early upgrades.” said Nabila Popal, senior research director with IDC’s Worldwide Quarterly Mobile Phone Tracker.

You can add another feature almost no one wants to this bonfire of the tech vanities.

“New foldable phone models continue to grab headlines despite the low volumes in the market,” said Anthony Scarsella, research director with IDC’s Worldwide Quarterly Mobile Phone Tracker.

Apple was able to inch up iPhone sales and the smartphone market overall is growing but not because of AI or foldables. (Someone really thought foldables would drive an upgrade cycle? I’m gonna need names.) So, why are people buying new phones? Just to upgrade. And when they do, they’re getting cheaper phones.

Rapid Android growth of 7.6% year-over-year focused in APeJC, Latin America, Middle East and Africa and China, primarily in low end devices…

Still, big tech’s current favorite technologies cannot fail, they can only be failed. IDC insists sales of foldables will grow in double digits through 2028 and:

…we continue to believe GenAI will revolutionize the user experience in the years to come…

Technically 2167 is one of the years that will someday be coming. Then when AI is finally viable because it’s actual artificial intelligence instead of Rube Goldberg-style large language models, the heads of these analysts that are being kept alive in jars will be able to say “I told you it was going to be a hit technology.”

Heads in jars always get the last laugh.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

November 22, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: There’s nothing good on

Apple reportedly considers going where it never went before as it gains the attention of yet another government watchdog. And then, are you ready for a smarter Siri? Well, don’t worry if you’re not, it’s still years away.

Gene Munster’s revenge

Time is a flat circle much in the way an Apple television would be a flat screen.

“It’s 2009 Again: Apple is Apparently Reconsidering Making a TV”

Definitely put this in the “I’ll believe it when I see it” category but I think I’m slightly more amenable to the idea now than I was 15 years ago because of stuff like this:

“An ad giant wants to run your next TV’s operating system”

So, I’m paying $16 and up a month each to Disney, Max, Apple, Netflix, Hulu and whoever else happens to have a show that someone in the house wants to watch… and my TV wants to see what I’m watching and show me ads on top of that.

Well, joke’s on them because I never connect my TVs to the internet! You can’t catch me, advertising companies, I’m like the wind!

Even if Apple made a privacy forward television with the Apple TV part baked into it, would it have enough HDMI ports? Could anyone afford it? And what would it be called? You already used “Apple TV”!

Television hasn’t always been a big winner for Apple. Bloomberg reports that Apple will start licensing some of its movies to other services in order to defray costs. That might help but it’s a beginner move, Apple. Everyone knows the big money is in making movies and then never showing them anywhere ever. Get with the program. Which is, oddly, deprogramming things.

The Bank of Apple

There are a lot of things that a younger me would find surprising were I able to time-travel back 20 years.

A tragically high number, really.

Right in the middle there — somewhere between the horrible state of national affairs and the amazing state of 3D home printing — would be “Oh, yeah, by the way, Apple’s a bank now.”

“Apple will now be treated like a bank, says US Consumer Financial Protection Bureau”

Younger me: “Do… do they still make computers?”

The company mostly has Apple Pay to thank for its newfound ability to pull off wearing a top hat and a monocle while reading a copy of The Wall Street Journal, chewing on the stub of a cigar, and murmuring “Hrmm. Ahhh. Mmm-hmm. Yes, quite. Pork bellies.”

The CFPB recently took on looking over technology firms that handle more than 50 million transactions per year using digital payments, which means both Apple Pay and Google Pay.

50 million sounds like a lot but I bet at least 500,000 of them are mine.

Siri 2: Electric Boogaloo.

If you’ve been holding your breath until Apple ships a much-improved Siri… well, you’re probably dead. Still, don’t start now because it’s still two years away.

“Apple Working on ‘LLM Siri’ for 2026 Launch”

2026? No, no, that’s cool. Take your time.

Apple is working on a smarter version of Siri…

[turns to camera, raises one eyebrow]

Huge, if true.

The new system will take a two-tiered approach to satisfying you needy customers.

…Apple will use a first-generation Apple LLM to evaluate requests to determine whether the existing ‌Siri‌ infrastructure should be used, or if a second LLM that’s able to handle more complex requests should be queried.

This is great. Now when you have a problem with Siri, you can ask to speak with its manager.

While ‌Siri‌ will be previewed early, Apple does not intend to launch the update until several months after it is unveiled.

AI is always six months away from being really awesome.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

November 15, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: The good ship AI runs aground

Rumors have Apple prepping a home hub, the company continues to be a target for regulations abroad, and AI runs into some diminishing returns.

Camera obscura

Sure, you’ve used Apple products in your home before, but have you ever used one on your home? Come next March, girl, you just might.

“Apple targeting March release for new wall-mounted smart display product: report”

The product will take the form of “a wall-mounted display” that resembles a traditional home security panel.

The device will run Apple Intelligence, be priced “far less than” $1,000, and will show a grid of icons for a number of status indicators such as the temperature, stocks (eye roll), and appointments.

It will feature a square display that Bloomberg says is roughly 6 inches and “about the size of two iPhones side by side, with a thick edge around the display.”

Sources indicate Apple already hates the thick edge with a fiery passion and will stop at nothing to get rid of it.

The device will also feature a camera, so it’s unclear if it’s the same product as this:

“Kuo: Apple Planning Smart Home Camera and New AirPods With More Health Features”

Kuo said mass production of Apple’s smart home camera is scheduled to begin in 2026, and the company apparently aims to sell tens of millions of them over the long term.

Bigger than a Vision Pro but smaller than an iPhone. Got it.

More regulatory fun

Apple is facing more regulatory scrutiny as the EU is back at it again.

“Apple gets EU warning for prohibited ‘geo-blocking practices’ on the App Store and other services”

But if people in the EU watch our shows, what are we going to watch?! Univision?!

The legislation Apple is charged with violating has been on the books since 2018, so this shouldn’t exactly come as a surprise to the company.

What might come as a surprise is that even China now appears to be getting in on the game.

“Apple Faces Epic Games-Style China Lawsuit Over App Store Practices”

In this case, the company filing the complaint says Apple’s App Store rules are “inconsistent”.

Shocking charge. First I’m hearing of this. Very surprising, if true.

The developer notes that after their original app was removed, they successfully published an identical app under a different name…

“We put glasses and a mustache on our app and you accepted it!” I hope someone translates the proceedings of this one.

Fashionably late

Aaaaaand… TIME!

OK, who had Friday, November 15th 2024 for when the AI bubble would pop?

“AI Companies Reportedly Struggling to Improve Latest Models”

There is a whole slew of “Be honest” memes you could make based on the AI industry but the most salient one would be about none of this “AI” being “AI”. And it turns out you can only squeeze the large language model stone so much before you notice all the blood you’re getting is coming out of your hands, not the stone.

Leading artificial intelligence companies including OpenAI, Google, and Anthropic are facing “diminishing returns” from their costly efforts to build newer AI models…

Try throwing some more money at it, see if that works.

“The AGI bubble is bursting a little bit,” said Margaret Mitchell, chief ethics scientist at AI startup Hugging Face

Still cannot get over that name.

Founder 1: “AI can be scary to people. What should we name our startup?”

Founder 2: “What if… hear me out… it implied we were smothering people?”

Founder 1: “I like where you’re going with this.”

Apple rolling out AI as the wheels are coming off isn’t exactly like Troy returning to the party with pizzas but it’s also not not like that.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

November 8, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Muddling through

Tech CEOs put their heads together to keep the industry afloat, the new Macs are out and the reviews are good, but the Vision Pro forecast has turned to “Outlook hazy, ask again later”.

Tim’s rolloverdex

As you may have heard, there was an election here in the U.S. this week. Yep. So, that happened. And, sadly, it was not for cutest puppy in the Puppy Bowl or whatever (Rufus is definitely the cutest one). After all was said and done, our fearless tech CEOs lined up to congratulate the winner, with Tim Cook tweeting:

Congratulations President Trump on your victory! We look forward to engaging with you and your administration to help make sure the United States continues to lead with and be fueled by ingenuity, innovation, and creativity.

OK, now I actually believe Tim Cook does use Apple Intelligence. Only an AI could come up with bland platitudes like that.

Cook: [type type type] “Siri, make this professional.”

Siri: [bloop]

Cook: “Now make it friendly.”

Siri: [bloop] “Send it?”

Cook: “Sigh. Yes.”

John Gruber noted how similar the congratulatory missives from Cook, Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, Sundar Pichal and Satya Nadella were, almost as if they’re all on a text thread together (which, if Cook named it, would be called “CEOs”) and worked together on getting that tone juuust riiight. Gruber notes:

I wonder how much it stings to be reminded that all the money in the world cannot buy dignity.

Still, at least Tim still has that cool “Best At Services Revenue” trophy. They might take his dignity, but they’ll never get that.

Three hits, one error

Reviews of the M4-based Macs are now out for your reading pleasure. Jason took a look at the colorful new iMacs and the new MacBook Pros, while Dan tilted with—get it?—the new Mac mini. All of these devices seem like winners with very little to complain about.

The Verge’s Chris Welch says the new Mac mini is “Now the best value in Apple’s lineup”. Pretty good for a device that started out as a way to attract switchers. Remember switchers? We were so young then.

All reviewers noted the odd positioning of the power button on the bottom of the Mac mini but generally agreed that while it was inconvenient it was not a big deal.

Like Kevin, the guy who’s at the coffee shop all day. What does he do for a living? No one knows.

Further, the low-end Mac mini no longer has the issue of slower storage and the storage in the new design is upgradable, if not all that easily. Upgradable storage?! In 2024?! What’s next, upgradable RAM?

No, that is most definitely not next.

Lack of Vision

After rumors of a cheaper Vision product possibly coming as soon as next year, hopefully boosting the number of users and expanding the ecosystem, Ming-Chi Kuo says a cheaper headset is delayed beyond 2027. Mark Gurman chimes in to say Apple is “seriously considering” a Vision device that offloads the computing stuff (my degree is in International Studies) onto your iPhone.

Is that a hot iPhone in your pocket or are you just oh, I see, you’re wearing a Vision Air.

It’s possible this device might come sooner than the “low-cost” Vision product.

In another sign that the future of the Vision line is still being sussed out, Apple launched an internal survey about smart glasses, asking employees to try out the ones currently on the market.

“Better A…” [puts Meta Ray Bans on employee] “…or B?” [puts Bose Frames on employee]

“A… or B?”

Whatever Apple does, it might want to pick up the pace a little bit.

“Apple Consolidating Vision Pro Demo Areas in Stores Amid Rumors of Slowing Sales and Reduced Production”

As the Mac was to CompUSA in 1995, so the Vision Pro is to Apple Stores in 2024.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

November 1, 2024 2:16 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Macs for days

The new Macs are here! The new Macs are here! Apple also updated its peripherals. Wow. Then it did a little shopping.

Sweet 16

As was foretold in prophecy, Apple introduced new M4-based Macs this week, starting with iMacs that come in colors so bright that Apple should have issued one of those seizure warnings at the beginning of the video. Your customers simply aren’t used to these parts of the spectrum, Apple.

On Tuesday the company followed up with the All-New Diminutive-Sized Mac mini, which looks not unlike a Mac Studio someone left in the dryer too long. It’s Apple’s fastest, smallest and most easy-to-lose Mac mini ever.

Because these things come in threes, Apple announced new MacBook Pros on Wednesday, rounding out the lineup and making it less weird that its most advanced processor was in the iPad. Say what you want to about AI (god knows I do) but it did give us the gift of a base RAM configuration of 16 GB. Don’t say it never did nothin’ for ya.

And, in a retcon anyone can get behind, even the M2- and M3-based MacBook Airs now start with 16 GB. Well, unless you’re someone who bought a MacBook Air last week because you were certain it wasn’t going to get updated. Also, it’s worth noting that while this change to the timeline did affect almost all of the MacBook Airs, Walmarts are apparently built inside some sort of space/time Faraday cage and exist in their own reality. Their M1 MacBook Airs still ship with just 8 GB of RAM.

I got your update right here

Well, it sure was nothing but good news this week, wasn’t it? Apple nailed it across the board, even updating its Magic peripherals, replacing the Lightning Ports with USB-C.

So, all is well and… Oh, don’t, uh, don’t look at those too closely. They’re great, no need to…

“Apple put the Magic Mouse’s charging port on the bottom again”

OK. Yes. Fine. Apple did not take the opportunity to move the charging port to a less ridiculous spot. Also… also… as long as we’re coming clean on these things, the smaller Magic Keyboard still does not have arrow keys in an inverted-T design.

[30 minutes of pandemonium. The judge repeatedly calls for order, but the gathered crowd is inconsolable. The bailiffs are ordered to clear the courtroom but are swept backwards and into the chambers of the judge as he attempts to flee. The system has failed the people yet again and this time they have had enough.]

Well, not everyone agrees. John Gruber suggests you people don’t deserve a nice bottom-charging mouse.

Putting the port on the belly is putting form over function, but in this case Apple’s designers think the better form is worth the trade-off.

It is truly the most beautiful mouse that I will never buy.

Burning a hole in its pocket

After all that announcing, Apple took some time on Thursday to relax and do some more announcing, revealing its quarterly results. The company had record fourth-quarter, earning $95 billion in revenue.

Then, it did exactly what I do when I get a big payday: go on a buying spree.

“Apple sinks $1.1 billion into Globalstar’s satellite network, takes ownership stake”

This orbital laser platform isn’t going to build itself. Also, the company seems to be betting big on satellite features for iPhone like Emergency SOS.

To top off the week, Apple acquired Pixelmator, makers of the photo editing app of the same name.

There will be no material changes to the Pixelmator Pro, Pixelmator for iOS, and Photomator apps at this time.

“At this time”, meaning 10 AM Friday morning, November 1st 2024.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

October 25, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Tune in next week

This week we get to know Tim Cook (did you know, for instance, that he is CEO at Apple Inc.?) and get a gut check on Apple’s AI position. Ultimately, however, we’re just biding time until next week.

Tim time

The Wall Street Journal got up close and personal with Tim Cook last weekend, getting all the dirty deets you want from the top dog at Apple. For instance:

The first thing Tim Cook does when he wakes up is check his iPhone.

No way! That’s what I do! Then I pull the covers up over my head and try to WISH IT WOULD ALL GO AWAY for an hour but ultimately give up and crawl reluctantly out of bed. Does he do that part, too?

Of course not! Cook checks emails and does work. Then he exercises. Also, Cook does this all of this like three hours before I even think about waking up. I’m saying there’s a reason he’s CEO of Apple and I’m not. (I’m guessing some kind of nepotism.)

Other details you will find in this creampuff of a piece: Cook also likes Diet Mountain Dew (but is above commanding his underlings to stock it at Apple) and only recently tried out naming a Messages thread, at the suggestion of the reporter.

The next time we meet, Cook proudly reports that he’s named the group chat with his college roommates: Roommates.

Nailed it.

Better late, then never

According to Mark Gurman, some at Apple believe the company is as much as two years behind on AI.

For example, internal studies at Apple reportedly show that OpenAI’s ChatGPT is 25% more accurate than the new Siri and can answer 30% more questions.

The good news for Apple is consumers really don’t care.

“With Apple Intelligence on the Horizon, a Quarter of Smartphone Owners Are Unimpressed by AI”

According to a YouGov survey, most consumers would rather have more battery life. Complaints about AI include it not being helpful (25 percent), not wanting to pay a subscription fee for it (45 percent), and privacy concerns (34 percent). One guy said AI “smelled funny” but I think that result was tossed as an outlier.

It wouldn’t be the first time Apple was behind on a technology and it didn’t end up mattering at all. Maps, for example, was a bit of a disaster on launch and now manages to get most people who use it where they’re going, with very few instances of people driving into ravines.

And it barely smells at all.

Big week

Rest up this weekend, because if the rumors are true then next week will be huge. But before we get all excited, let’s just see who’s spreading these rumors.

“Apple confirms ‘exciting week of announcements’ for Mac starting on Monday”

Hmm. Apple, you say. Still seems sketchy to me.

But if you put your money on Apple throwing an in-person event next week, looks like you’re out $5 (NO REFUNDS). The only event that Apple looks to be throwing is one for a select group of “media/creators”. I’m not sure if that’s “media and creators” or “media creators” or “media divided by creators”, the math of which I cannot do.

It’s unclear exactly how the company will stage this out but we are expecting to see new M4-based MacBook Pros, iMacs and a redesigned Mac mini.

The really big news, though, is the little things. According to Mark Gurman and the laws of common courtesy, Apple will finally (FINALLY!) be updating the Magic Keyboard, Mouse, and Trackpad, finally (FINALLY!) ditching the Lightning port for USB-C.

Which can only mean that USB-D is right around the corner.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

October 18, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: What a letdown

Apple rains on the AI parade, some executives are leaving the company, and the seventh-generation iPad mini is just sort of mid.

Party pooper

Apple deposited a proverbial Baby Ruth in the proverbial punch bowl of AI this week when it released a study showing how easy it is to confuse these language models posing as some kind of intelligence.

“Apple Study Reveals Critical Flaws in AI’s Logical Reasoning Abilities”

Apple, please, we’re trying to prop up a new technology in order to push people to buy more crap. Get with the program. Gawd.

We found no evidence of formal reasoning in language models. Their behavior is better explained by sophisticated pattern matching—so fragile, in fact, that changing names can alter results by ~10%.

Well, what’s about 10 percent between friends? Besides, I’m sure it’s nothing that turning on a few more nuclear reactors can’t fix.

“Google and Kairos sign nuclear reactor deal with aim to power AI”

“Amazon goes nuclear, to invest more than $500 million to develop small modular reactors”

With Microsoft having already locked up Three Mile Island for its AI aspirations, makes you wonder if anyone’s written a piece yet about how Apple’s behind in the nuclear power race. No, I’m not going to look. I’ll just assume someone has or is working on it right now.

If you’re going to waste a bunch of energy coming up with the wrong answers to things, I guess it’s better to use nuclear power than a coal-fired steam engine or 9 million cans of Sterno. Just seems like maybe the power could be put toward something that actually works right.

No longer a people person

Apple is undergoing another periodic swell in executive departures (possibly related to either the recent larger than usual aurora borealis or the appearance of a comet) (or both). First the company’s long-time head of procurement announced he was leaving; then Dan Riccio, head of the Vision Products Group, said he will finally be emerging from Apple’s underground hardware development lab and smelling the sweet open air again. Be sure to apply a lot of sunscreen, Dan. You’ve been in that basement a long time.

Now, because these things come in threes, Apple’s first Chief People Officer, Carol Surface, is leaving. Possibly she was tired of all the “Sounds like more of a Microsoft person to me!” jokes. Totally understandable. So dumb. Who would make that joke? Apple has thrown its hands up and is just putting Deirdre O’Brien back in the role she had running both retail and people before Surface joined the company.

Apple’s hires from outside the company rarely seem to last that long. I blame the company’s inordinately complicated secret handshake.

A mini update in every sense

Apple announced a new iPad mini this week, shuffling buttons around to accommodate the Pencil Pro, increasing the storage options and bumping the processor just enough to run Apple Intelligence. This update was met with sighs from some but it’s not like Apple has ever given much love to its smaller devices. Jason has thoughts on why the new mini is using an A17 Pro processor that neither confirm nor deny the rumor that Tim Cook was heard to say “You get what you get, don’t get upset.”

This announcement raises the question of whether or not Apple will hold an event this month or simply announce new Macs via press releases. Seems to me with an entirely new form factor for the Mac mini and how much the company loves to talk about AI features it’s not even shipping yet, it has enough reason to hold an event. Either way, rest assured those new Macs are coming.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

October 11, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: From very late to too soon

You can finally rent that pressure washer with Apple Pay, Apple offers more entertainment options, and are the M4 MacBook Pros here already?

Tapping out

I am pleased to report that the last Apple Pay holdouts have surrendered and the great Mobile Payments War of the 2010s is at last over.

“Home Depot quietly begins rolling out Apple Pay support”

“H-E-B caves to the pressure and begins rolling out Apple Pay to all stores”

Welcome to 2015, merchants! You are not going to like the next 9 years.

It’s possible that these companies weren’t so much holdouts as they just made bad technology bets back in the day and were stuck with them.

Of course, it’s also possible that there is some retailer in a cave on an island somewhere still demanding customers use CurrentC, but rest assured that we will rout out these pockets of resistance and bring peace to a divided nation at last.

Here we are now, entertain us

You ever have that dream where you’re drowning? No? Would you like to? It’ll only cost you $3,500.

This week Apple released “Submerged”, a bespoke submarine nightmare for Vision Pro owners. Don’t say they never did anything for you. The reaction has been pretty favorable, so maybe Apple can make some other immersive nightmare fuel, since they don’t film in Sensurround anymore.

If you don’t have a Vision Pro, do you at least have Amazon Prime? Because starting later this month you will be able to enjoy Apple TV+ through Prime Video. Apple is seemingly looking to increase the number of viewers of its streaming service if not at any cost then at least at an additional $9.99 on top of your Prime subscription.

Getting TV+ through Prime is all well and good, but if you really want to get the premium brand experience, you’ll log in via a Chromecast device or Xbox plugged into the back of a Roku TV. Like the pros do.

Putting the cart M4 the horse

In an almost (but not quite) unprecedented turn of events, a Russian YouTube channel posted video this week of what appears to be the upcoming M4-based MacBook Pro. Apparently the base model with a non-Pro or Max processor, the laptop sports 16 GB of memory, implying that Apple will be doubling the RAM on the entry level.

It’s not 100 percent clear if this is real or more like this CNBC video of an Ozempic official—and I must emphasize here that I am not making this up—discussing the dangers of counterfeit drugs while sitting in front of a Dell laptop with an Apple sticker over the Dell logo (hat tip to Reddit via Paul Kafasis). RIP, irony. Also, RIP those stickers.

The laptop has since been offered up for sale (the M4, not the Dell), lending further credence to its claims of validity. I mean, it’s not like someone would offer to sell something over the internet that didn’t actually exist, right?

Don’t bother firing up eBay to look for ill-gotten M4 MacBook Pros, though, because soon enough you’ll be able to buy one the honest way: by paying full price from Apple and way too much for additional RAM and a larger hard drive.

As God intended. (The part of God will be played by Tim Cook.)

Mark Gurman says the company will announce new Macs around the end of October and ship them on November 1st. Which is just in time for my birthday, if you were still wondering what to get me.

Not that you’ve asked.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

October 4, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: A preview of things to come

A lot of news in headsets this week, plus Apple is prepping new Macs, iPads, an iPhone SE… and other things.

What’s New in Goggles?

Yes, it’s time again for another edition of “What’s New in Goggles?”, where we discuss all the goggle news that’s new in Goggletown.

Would it kill you to just play along and pretend we’ve been doing this forever? Do you always have to be so difficult, Ian?

The man I married wasn’t so difficult. There. I said it. It had to be said and I said it.

After all the hubbub about Meta’s Orion prototype glasses, at least one competitor has checked out.

“Microsoft Is Discontinuing HoloLens 2, With No Replacement”

But don’t worry, our dystopian future is still on track.

While HoloLens 2 is being discontinued, Microsoft tells UploadVR it remains “fully committed” to the militarized HoloLens IVAS.

Uh, cooool? So, Microsoft makes militarized goggles and has a nuclear reactor to fuel its AI aspirations? Has anyone checked to see if they also bought property under an extinct volcano?

In more great goggle news, some students have taken Meta’s Ray Ban smart glasses and made them suuuper creepy.

“Someone Put Facial Recognition Tech onto Meta’s Smart Glasses to Instantly Dox Strangers”

Yayyyy technology. Whooooo. Yeah.

Finally, the Vision Pro, not exactly awash in new apps, now has one fewer.

“Juno YouTube App for Vision Pro Removed From App Store”

Back in April, YouTube emailed Selig and said that Juno was violating the YouTube Terms of Service and the YouTube API by modifying the native YouTube.com web user interface, and used YouTube trademarks and iconography that could be confusing to customers.

Please do not confuse people by giving them a convenient way to use our service. Very rude.

Well, that’s it for “What’s New in Goggles?” Please tune in next week when I pretend this supposedly ongoing feature never existed.

[Modem sounds]

The iPhone 16 is so last month. It literally came out last month. How much more last month can you get? Sure, we’ve all enjoyed the Camera Control button and, you know, the other stuff. But it’s October now! Now about something new, Apple? How about something fresh?

Well, Apple fan who’s just like Prince’s mother, (she’s never satisfied) you’ll be happy to know that new MacBook Pros, iMacs, and all-new Mac minis—all with M4 processors—are still on schedule to ship this year. A new iPad mini may “potentially” ship by the end of 2024 as well, according to Mark Gurman, who has dialed back the confidence on that a bit.

If those devices don’t float your boat, then first learn something about buoyancy, and second, check out what Apple has in store for early next year.

“Bloomberg: New iPhone SE with Face ID and updated iPad Air launching early next year”

And are you the kind of weirdo who cares who makes the modem in your phone? Well, you’re in luck, because the next SE will reportedly feature the debut of Apple’s own, long-awaited 5G modem. We didn’t get a car, but by gum they’re gonna ship that damn modem!

One more thing…

If after that you were thinking, “Well, my dance card is now full! I shan’t need any further amusements, thank you very much!” then you may be an early 20th century debutant. Also, don’t look now because:

“‘Ted Lasso’ to Return to Apple TV+ as Season Four Allegedly ‘Confirmed’”

Yes, according to Sigmund Judge of MacStories, pre-production on a new season of the beloved Apple TV+ show will begin in January. Apple has not confirmed this nor explained how a new season would play out, with Ted having returned to his home planet at the end of season 3. Still, I believe they’ll figure something out. They’re not just going to leave good money sitting on the table like that.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

September 27, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: The executive suite, in D minor

Executives are in the news this week as Tim Cook discusses pressed meat products, Jony Ive is what you’re not wearing and Sonos… hoo, boy, those ding-dongs at Sonos.

The Timmy and Jimmy show

You won’t believe this. In an amazing coincidence, TV’s Jimmy Fallon happened to be first in line at the Fifth Avenue Apple Store, and who should come out to deliver his new iPhone to him? Guess. You’ll never guess in a mill-

Yeah, it was Tim Cook. How did you know? That’s so weird!

The result is a five minute ad for Apple that ran on The Tonight Show in which Fallon touches Cook’s face as part of a Vision Pro gag. This is not something I would personally want to have done to me knowing where that hand’s been, but your mileage may vary.

Still, it’s very informative. For instance, did you know that Tim Cook will sometimes get a hot dog while in New York? True story. Or… maybe. Who knows? It’s a thing he said. Fallon then correctly guessed that Cook likes mustard on his hot dogs which, wow, might as well have also guessed that he likes a bun.

Fallon: You don’t just eat the hot dog bare with your hands?

Cook: Noooo. Noooo ah doooon’t.

What’s harder to believe is when Cook, in touting the benefits of Apple Intelligence, says he personally likes it because it can summarize all the emails he gets. Does Cook really use that feature, though? I’ve seen some of those summaries. I don’t think I’d bet the most valuable company in the world on them. Or a New York hot dog.

Jony’s jackets

Who’s got $3,000 I can borrow?

“Here are Jony Ive’s $3,000 jackets”

Thanks to a collaboration between Ive’s LoveFrom and a French fashion brand, you can get these nylon jackets with revolutionary new buttons made from magnets, the thing where no one knows how they work. It’s nice that they’re made from recycled materials, but if I’m paying $3,000 for a jacket, it better be made out of something rarer than nylon, like the silk of an extinct spider or the dreams of children stolen throughout history by a time-traveling sword mistress and her sassy robot sidekick.

The magnetic buttons are cool, though.

Ive was also in the news this week for confirming in an interview with The New York Times that he is working with OpenAI’s Sam Altman on an AI hardware product. That’s quite a feat in and of itself as no one else seems to be able to work with Altman for very long. But with the track record of these AI hardware devices to date, I hope Ive’s getting paid up front. Otherwise he’s going to have to sell a lot more $3,000 jackets.

Facing the music

Apple updated its Apple Music Classical app this week, an app which is now already a year and a half old. They grow up so fast. The new version adds liner notes, orchestra information, and composer biographies. Yes, now you can easily see whether the composer died from consumption, war, lead poisoning, or just patron neglect. At least Apple is paying them some respect.

Apple commissioned high-resolution digital portraits of famous composers like Ludwig van Beethoven, Frédéric Chopin, and Johann Sebastian Bach for the app…

What, they didn’t use Image Playground? What happened to eating your own dog food?

(By the way, as someone who once ate a Beggin’ Strip just to see what all the fuss was about, I can say the analogy is appropriate. Both look like the real thing but lack all the essential quality and taste that make them the real thing.)

One app that hasn’t received a much-need update (right into the sun) is the Sonos app. Despite the company’s promise to update it every two weeks until it’s just right (or all the yelling stops), the company has failed to keep up with that schedule. What’s more, according to Bloomberg, Sonos shipped the app over the protests of its employees.

Executives. You can’t live with them, you can’t… uh, live with them? I don’t have another option.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

September 20, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Trying out some new things

The new phones are here! And they’re… good? Battery life is up, even as Apple’s relationship with the EU continues to go down.

Squeaky Tim

The reviews are in and the new Apple products are…

Sorry, who had “pretty good” in the pool? Stan? OK, Stan, pick up your free six pack of Pumpkin Spice Double Stuffed Oreo Coke Zero at the cafeteria counter.

Also get out, you’re fired. “Pretty good.” What kind of a guess is that? Who cares if you were right? Ridiculous.

The Verge loves, loves, loves the AirPods 4 and thinks the black Apple Watch Ultra 2 is, and I quote, “sick as hell”. (Context: “Sick” is a good thing. The kids these days use “sick” to mean cool or exceptionally good. It sounds backwards, but this is the custom.)

Meanwhile the reviews for the iPhone 16 are very positive, with Tom’s Guide saying owners will have “no more Pro envy”. The iPhone 16 Pros, on the other hand, are called “iterative” upgrades by The Verge’s Nilay Patel who says he’s “not at all convinced that it’s worth upgrading to”. Oddly a commenter named “Cim Took” said “I think you’re wrong, Nilay! I think they’re very much worth upgrading to!” in tags that apparently indicated it should be read in a high, squeaky voice? Not sure what that’s about.

We’re already being treated to reports suggesting the sales for the Pro devices are down while sales for the entry level iPhones are up, but not enough to make up for the drop in the Pro line.

Clearly all this is evidence the company should have made an iPhone 16 mini. Not to hear Cim Took talk about it, though.

Feel the power

You have your new phone. So when can you start complaining about its battery life? Well, here’s a handy guide for you.

“iPhone 16 Battery Capacities Revealed”

You will not be surprised to learn that these are The Best Batteries Apple’s Ever Made™, thus capacities are up across the board. They think these new capacities will Surprise And Delight You™. I dunno, I didn’t really ask them that, but it’s not much of a stretch, really.

If you are upgrading from an iPhone 15, you should see at least a 6 percent bump in battery life. If you are upgrading from an iPhone 13 mini—hey, that’s me!—it’ll probably be more. If you’re upgrading from a rotary phone, your new phone will have infinitely more battery life. They ask that you please do not try to calculate the increase, however, as it may collapse the quantum state of our universe.

This additional battery life is good because Apple as Apple giveth, it also taketh away. The company will now charge (no pun intended) you 20 percent more to replace the battery on an out of warranty iPhone 16 than on the previous models.

6 percent more life, 20 percent more cost. Surprised? No. Delighted. Eh?

And nothing else happened

Well, that’s it for this week! We’ll be back next week and-

“EU compels Apple to improve iOS interoperability with third-party smartwatches, headphones and other accessories”

UGH, FINE, WE’LL TALK ABOUT THE EU. At least I avoided talking about AI this week.

Under the scope of the Digital Markets Act, the EU commission today announced proceedings to compel Apple to improve support for third-party connected devices like smartwatches, headphones, VR headsets with iPhone and iPad.

It’s gettin’ so’s a guy can’t have a moat anymore! What am I supposed to put around dis castle?! Ehhh!

You might have noticed I’m working on some new characters. We’ve got Tim Cook’s sockpuppet account, Cim Took, and then Apple as a medieval lord looking to protect its castle who has, like, a Brooklyn accent or something.

I’m just workshopping some stuff. I haven’t settled on anything yet.

The EU continues to push the company in new ways to rightly benefit consumers in its member nations but some ways that make you wonder where it will all end. I don’t think it’ll go so far as Apple having to design better products for companies who just can’t figure out how, but sometimes I wonder.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

September 13, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Basking in the afterGlowtime

Another year, more iPhones, Watches and AirPods. When will it ever end?! Wait, I don’t want that. What am I saying? One Apple product largely bites the dust as Apple picks up a very large tab.

Sweet 16

Apple announced most of what we expected on Monday, most notably the iPhone 16 and 16 Pro line, all with a new Camera Control button. Also on hand were the Apple Watch Series 10, now even bigger; new AirPods; and, in a startling surprise, an all-new haircut for Craig Federighi. Even Mark Gurman’s late-breaking addendum to his event predictions didn’t foresee that.

Existing products got some love too, with the Watch Series 9 and Ultra 2 picking up the same sleep apnea detection coming with the Series 10, and the AirPods Pro 2 getting a hearing aid feature, which has now been approved by the FDA. A little something for everyone. Everyone who happens to own those products already.

What didn’t we see that we thought we might? Several things, including the Apple Watch SE 2 and Watch Ultra 3, although Apple talked up the Ultra 2 so much you’d be forgiven for thinking it was introducing a new member of the line. As great as the company apparently still thinks the Ultra 2 is, it couldn’t help itself from noting the Series 10 has a larger screen and longer battery life.

But you should totally spend the extra $300 for the Ultra. It comes in black now.

Apple also introduced a mess of new watchbands. But one accessory did not get such great treatment.

The final woven

Pour one out for FineWoven cases. Just don’t actually pour it on a FineWoven case as it will probably ruin it, somehow even if it’s a glass of water? How is that possible?

“Apple discontinues FineWoven iPhone cases with no direct replacement”

Alas, FineWoven, we barely knew ye. At the company’s event Monday, Apple discussed only the Clear and Silicone cases, which appear to now be the only cases the company offers. (Unless you also count the cases that Beats is apparently making? Who is running things over there? Why do they keep making products that Apple already makes? What’s next, FileMaker designing a keyboard?)

During Apple’s iPhone 16 unveiling earlier today, the word ‘FineWoven’ wasn’t uttered at all.

Joining the words “TouchBar”, “AirPower”, and “Scott Forstall”. Also, for no particular reason, “moist”, “vibraphone”, and “kleptoparasitism”.

The last FineWoven product standing is the MagSafe Wallet, which the company presumably feels is small enough that no one will notice the staining.

This week on “Billions”

It wouldn’t be another week in Apple without some kind of EU-related action, would it? Apparently not.

“Apple told to pay Ireland €13bn in tax by EU”

That’s a lot of scratch, but as Dan noted, the money is already in escrow, leading me to wonder “Where is this ‘Escrow’? How securely is it guarded? How quickly can I assemble a team of elite misfits to infiltrate ‘Escrow’? Do I have to go to the airport to convert euros to dollars? Where do you do that now?” etc.

Ireland says it doesn’t even want the money, as it considers it a worthwhile incentive to get companies to invest in the country. Whether Apple’s investment in Ireland is worth €13 billion is up for debate.

For its part, Apple says it is always happy—nay THRILLED—to pay all the taxes it owes… as it continues to lobby to not owe a dime and organizes itself into a labyrinthine series of holding companies in order to avoid paying anything at all.

Likewise I am always thrilled to play games I have rigged so that I win. I’m just that much of a sportsman.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]

By John Moltz

September 6, 2024 2:00 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Addicted to Glowtime

AI continues to vex Microsoft, Glowtime approaches, and Apple tries to help you capture those magic moments.

Game off

Is there nothing that AI cannot ruin with its touch?

“Microsoft Rolled Out AI PCs That Can’t Play Top Games—and There’s No Quick Fix”

Microsoft’s Copilot+ PCs use ARM processors, requiring that games coded for Intel processors run in a translation layer, something only about half of the ones tested appear to be able to do smoothly.

More like Copilot- amirite yeah, I’m right.

One frequent cause of problems is the software built into some games to prevent cheating—an essential feature added to titles such as “Fortnite” and “League of Legends.” Even if the game itself can be translated to run on Arm, the anti-cheating software may be incompatible.

Cheaters don’t win, winners don’t cheat, and neither uses an ARM-based Windows PC because the games won’t run on them.

So, which would you rather have, Windows users? Your games or Copilot?

Is this a trick question?

It might be tempting to think that this is an opportunity for Apple. The company has rolled out tools to help developers port games to macOS. But suggesting Apple will finally score big in games is like predicting the year of Linux on the desktop. Or the year the Mariners will go to the World Series. Instead of trying to predict it, just assume it’s never going to happen and if it does in your lifetime, you can be pleasantly surprised.

Great expectations

We are just days from experiencing Glowtime, so what’s the fuss all about? Why are all the kids obsessed with Glowtime?

(Are your kids doing Glowtime? Here are some warning signs: Talking about “The best phones Apple’s ever made”…)

We can expect to see new Apple Watches at the event on Monday. The Series 10 will reportedly be thinner but have a larger case, and the third iteration of the SE will have a plastic case that absolutely no one will complain about because everyone loves change.

New AirPods are also expected in two models at two different price points. The higher end will have active noise cancellation and the lower end — possibly named AirPods SE — will have manual noise cancellation which requires the user to tell other people to shut up.

“We think people are going to love it.”

(“Billy, what are you doing in there? It better not be Glowtime.”)

Mostly what we’ll see is that new iPhone you’ll get not because you want new features, but because your current phone is a piece of crap. According to a new study by CIRP, the biggest reason people buy new phones is simply that their old phone is “obsolete”. Of course, it’s all a matter of perspective.

The obsolete category includes some buyers whose purchase is triggered by new features on their new phone. Yet, they explain their purchase decision in terms of the condition of their old phone rather than embracing those new features.

Is the new iPhone half-exciting or is your old one half-garbage? That’s a real thinker.

Evading capture

One rumored feature of the new iPhones appears to be a capture button. Not at all Pokemon-related, the capture button would be a dedicated photograph button for those who are all thumbs and have a habit of missing the moment. I’m not naming any names. (Me.)

But as Apple giveth to the clumsy, so it also taketh away. The button is said to be capacitive and have support for multiple gestures. So, they created something complicated to fix a simple problem. Great. I look forward to taking a lot of videos when I meant to take portraits and panoramas when I wanted a selfie.

Who am I kidding? This button probably won’t trickle down to a phone I’m likely to buy for years as it seems there’s a good chance it’ll only be available on the iPhone 16 Pro models.

You know what’s great? Those point-and-shoot cameras. Those are great.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]