By John Moltz
September 20, 2024 2:00 PM PT
This Week in Apple: Trying out some new things

The new phones are here! And they’re… good? Battery life is up, even as Apple’s relationship with the EU continues to go down.
Squeaky Tim
The reviews are in and the new Apple products are…
Sorry, who had “pretty good” in the pool? Stan? OK, Stan, pick up your free six pack of Pumpkin Spice Double Stuffed Oreo Coke Zero at the cafeteria counter.
Also get out, you’re fired. “Pretty good.” What kind of a guess is that? Who cares if you were right? Ridiculous.
The Verge loves, loves, loves the AirPods 4 and thinks the black Apple Watch Ultra 2 is, and I quote, “sick as hell”. (Context: “Sick” is a good thing. The kids these days use “sick” to mean cool or exceptionally good. It sounds backwards, but this is the custom.)
Meanwhile the reviews for the iPhone 16 are very positive, with Tom’s Guide saying owners will have “no more Pro envy”. The iPhone 16 Pros, on the other hand, are called “iterative” upgrades by The Verge’s Nilay Patel who says he’s “not at all convinced that it’s worth upgrading to”. Oddly a commenter named “Cim Took” said “I think you’re wrong, Nilay! I think they’re very much worth upgrading to!” in tags that apparently indicated it should be read in a high, squeaky voice? Not sure what that’s about.
We’re already being treated to reports suggesting the sales for the Pro devices are down while sales for the entry level iPhones are up, but not enough to make up for the drop in the Pro line.
Clearly all this is evidence the company should have made an iPhone 16 mini. Not to hear Cim Took talk about it, though.
Feel the power
You have your new phone. So when can you start complaining about its battery life? Well, here’s a handy guide for you.
“iPhone 16 Battery Capacities Revealed”
You will not be surprised to learn that these are The Best Batteries Apple’s Ever Made™, thus capacities are up across the board. They think these new capacities will Surprise And Delight You™. I dunno, I didn’t really ask them that, but it’s not much of a stretch, really.
If you are upgrading from an iPhone 15, you should see at least a 6 percent bump in battery life. If you are upgrading from an iPhone 13 mini—hey, that’s me!—it’ll probably be more. If you’re upgrading from a rotary phone, your new phone will have infinitely more battery life. They ask that you please do not try to calculate the increase, however, as it may collapse the quantum state of our universe.
This additional battery life is good because Apple as Apple giveth, it also taketh away. The company will now charge (no pun intended) you 20 percent more to replace the battery on an out of warranty iPhone 16 than on the previous models.
6 percent more life, 20 percent more cost. Surprised? No. Delighted. Eh?
And nothing else happened
Well, that’s it for this week! We’ll be back next week and-
UGH, FINE, WE’LL TALK ABOUT THE EU. At least I avoided talking about AI this week.
Under the scope of the Digital Markets Act, the EU commission today announced proceedings to compel Apple to improve support for third-party connected devices like smartwatches, headphones, VR headsets with iPhone and iPad.
It’s gettin’ so’s a guy can’t have a moat anymore! What am I supposed to put around dis castle?! Ehhh!
You might have noticed I’m working on some new characters. We’ve got Tim Cook’s sockpuppet account, Cim Took, and then Apple as a medieval lord looking to protect its castle who has, like, a Brooklyn accent or something.
I’m just workshopping some stuff. I haven’t settled on anything yet.
The EU continues to push the company in new ways to rightly benefit consumers in its member nations but some ways that make you wonder where it will all end. I don’t think it’ll go so far as Apple having to design better products for companies who just can’t figure out how, but sometimes I wonder.
[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]





