By John Moltz
This Week in Apple: To laugh, perchance to scream
Apple has HAD ENOUGH of government overreach, Tim Cook makes a new friend, and the App Store remains undefeated.
Practicing my tight five
Apple would like you to know that it is VERY UPSET with certain policies of the government. It’s so upset in fact that it has taken the time to publish a 1,700-word complaint about overreach by an oppressive regime bent more on domination than helping citizens, something Apple feels very deeply about and is now standing up for.
About time. Yes, finally—after various reprehensible and failed attempts at appeasement—Apple is telling the Trump administration that its policies are-
[puts finger to ear]
I’m sorry, I’m being told this is about the EU’s Digital Markets Act. How very embarrassing.
For someone, anyway.
Could be me, could be a multi-billion dollar company.
Sadly for Apple, much like running to the press never helps, neither apparently does publishing blog posts (tell me about it).
“EU rejects Apple demand to scrap landmark tech rules”
Somehow I am reminded of the Calvin and Hobbes where Calvin explains at length to his mother the very specific way he likes his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches prepared for lunch and then is later shocked and angered to find she has not followed his detailed instructions.
Not sure why.
I choose you!
Apple’s open conflict with the EU is old news, though, and there is absolutely huge, blockbuster news this week to discuss, as MacRumors reports:
“Apple CEO Tim Cook Meets Pikachu During Japan Visit”
Maybe I’m just grumpy (ha, “maybe”) but can you really say you “met” a fictional character being portrayed by someone in a costume? MacRumors does know that Pikachu is not… real, right? And does Tim Cook, for that matter? Because Cook said on X-Twitter:
Met Pikachu…
Cook’s half-hearted, one-arm hug in the video would indicate that he does know Pikachu is not real and, possibly, that he is beginning to question what is real at all.
It’s just kind of tough to get on board with the whimsy of Cook meeting a Pokémon when we know who else he sometimes hangs out with. Certainly a poor intern shoved into a suffocating neoprene costume and forced to frolic about with CEOs while questioning the life choices that led to this moment is a massive step up from who Cook was keeping company with in the UK.
Cook’s Japan trip was to mark the grand re-opening of Apple’s Ginza store, much like his UK trip was to mark the closing of U.S. democracy.
[rimshot]
I joke because they say that laughter is the best medicine. It’s also apparently the only medicine, since vaccines and Tylenol are off the table.
[absolutely exhausted rimshot]
The Council of Elrond!
Let’s go back for a second to Apple’s complaint about the DMA. Just for laughs (because we’re having so much fun). And maybe science? I dunno.
Since we launched the App Store in 2008, we’ve also worked with developers to create one of the most vibrant, safe, and successful digital marketplaces in the world.
Really. What’s the one word there you probably shouldn’t have brought up this week?
What the heck kind of Vanilla Ice-assed name is “Neon” for an app that pays you to be a listening device? Have the tech bros used up all the “Lord of the Rings”-related names already? I must have missed “Sauron” but I imagine it to have been an AI pin.
Shaped like an eye.
OK, OK, the company is paying people for their calls, but it’s opt-in! It’s not like it’s not safe-
This quote basically says what the headline says but let’s just pull it for emphasis:
…Neon has gone offline, at least for now, after a security flaw allowed anyone to access the phone numbers, call recordings, and transcripts of any other user…
Look, I don’t wanna tell “Neon” its business, but you know that old joke about “The Aristocrats”? I’m just saying there’s still a “Lord of the Rings”-related option sitting right there.
[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]