By Dan Moren
August 29, 2025 12:00 PM PT
The Back Page: Phoning it in
Good morning and welcome to Apple Park. We’ve got a lot of very exciting announcements in store for you today, which is totally the same day that I’m recording this. Look, I’m holding up today’s newsletter. Look outside, it’s… [insert weather forecast here]. Why would I lie to you?
To kick things off, let’s talk about AirPods. People love their AirPods. Frankly, a little too much. Sometimes I put mine in and just forget to take them out. No music or podcasts playing at all, like a psychopath. It gives me a plausible excuse every time Eddy asks me if we can buy Netflix or Tesla.
Today we’re thrilled to introduce AirPods Pro 3, which takes everything you know and love about AirPods Pro 2 and adds one to the number at the end. They’re the best AirPods Pro we’ve ever made, and we think you’re going to love them. Because they’re exactly like AirPods Pro 2. Together with AirPods 4, it completes our AirPods family. With two models. Just the two of them. No others. Lalalala I can’t hear you, because our noise canceling is so good.
Speaking of products that we can’t be bothered to update, let’s turn to Apple TV. We love Apple TV, whether it’s the app or the service or the little black box that we charge a truly astounding amount of money for. It’s the best way to watch TV…and that’s getting even better with the fourth-generation Apple TV 4K, which is now based on an A18 Bionic chip to provide even more power for things that absolutely do not need it, like watching movies and TV shows, as well as those things you think you’ll do but definitely never will, like playing games.
Honestly, we would have taken out more parts if we could, but we were down to power and HDMI on the back there. We also considered redesigning the remote again, just for kicks, but ended up not doing it because we we have just one person working on both this product and the AirPods…I want to say ‘Max’, is that right? Anyway, priorities.
Next up: Apple Watch. What can we possibly add to the Apple Watch? No, seriously, I’m asking. Does anybody have any ideas? We’d really like to sell some more. Cracking that glucose monitoring sure would be great. So far all our prototypes still have to poke you to get some blood and that really has not been popular amongst the employees who have tested it. So for now, uh, new watch bands! Enjoy.
And now what you’re really all here for: yes, we’ve got new iPhones for you, you sickos. Introducing the iPhone 17. It’s the basic model. You know the drill. A new chip. Two cameras. Great colors. Yadda yadda yadda.
The iPhone 17 Pro, though, that’s what you want. This year’s biggest new feature? A new camera bar design in the back that we’re calling the Stability Axis. Yes, it took us years to design this anti-wobble technology, and we patented the hell out of it. Masimo.
Sorry, don’t know where that came from.
We’ve also got an iPhone 17 Pro Max. It’s bigger. What do you people want from me? Another iPhone? Fine, I’ve got another one for you. Introducing the iPhone 17 Air. It’s the newest iPhone we’ve ever made. It’s also the thinnest and lightest, thanks to a new component: air. Yes, it turns out filling an iPhone with air allows you to get away with a lot. Sure, it’s not as capable as an iPhone that has actual processors and RAM and storage in it, but did we mention it’s light?
Look, what do you want, an iPhone that folds? Come back next year.
[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors, as well as an author, podcaster, and two-time Jeopardy! champion. You can find him on Mastodon at @dmoren@zeppelin.flights or reach him by email at dan@sixcolors.com. His next novel, the sci-fi adventure Eternity's Tomb, will be released in November 2026.]