By Dan Moren
December 29, 2023 12:30 PM PT
The Back Page: 2024’s all right for fighting
Look, the simple truth is that when you get to be a company the size of Apple, you can’t help but butt up against certain other entities, whether they be competitors, nation states, or the occasional megalomaniacal social-media purveyor. We’ve come to expect it—frankly, it’s built into Apple’s cost of doing business.
But while most of these conflicts may be predictable, every once in a while you run into one that’s most decidedly not on anybody’s radar. The good news is that it’s my job to expect the unexpected; I’ve consulted my patented heirloom, Jony Ive-designed jet black polycarbonate spherical oracle1 and it’s provided five fracases awaiting Apple that neither you, nor I, nor Tim Cook’s council of seers are going to see coming.
Apple farmers: It was only a matter of time, but after almost half a decade of existence, Apple Inc. will end upin the crosshairs of apple inc…ome.2 Orchards around the country will tire of repeated calls asking when the new crop of iPhones arrive, explaining to people that cider donuts are not a hot new wearable, and dealing with the customers who stand for hours comparing specs of two McIntoshes to decide which one to buy.
Marvel: Disney and Apple, once the best of friends, will find themselves at odds when the Mouse House issues a cease and desist over the release of Apple’s latest new technology category, pointing out that the company’s spatial computer infringes upon a comic character dating back to 1968. As part of the eventual settlement, Apple concedes to have all future versions of Siri voiced by Paul Bettany. No one complains.
Parisian tour guides: With Apple Maps finally coming into its own around the world, it’s due to run into local conflicts. In France, the Fédération Nationale des Guides Interprètes et Conférenciers (FNGIC) will charge Apple with disenfranchising its members, licensed tour guides, by not only providing expert directions but also with its impeccable 3D renderings of Paris tourist attractions, allowing everyone to visit the Eiffel Tower, Arc de Triomphe, and Notre Dame cathedral from the comfort of their own hotel room overlooking the Champs-Elysées. Just remember: it’s only tourism if it’s actually in France, otherwise it’s sparkling virtual vacationing.
Extraterrestrials: Getting into the satellite business was replete with risks, but not even Apple could have reasonably expected that its foray into emergency communications would irk intelligent life passing through our galaxy on their way home for the holidays. The bad news is that aliens have knocked Apple’s satellite systems out of commission for terrestrial customers—the good news is that they did so via a high volume of prank calls to the company’s emergency operators by requesting several thousand tow trucks in orbit. Respect, ET.
European orcas: Despite Apple’s stated goal of prioritizing the well-being of the environment, the company will be targeted by the pod of radical orcas off the coast of Europe, who—not satisfied with sinking yachts of the super rich—are now taking on boats carrying Apple goods. In an attempt to broker a peace, Cupertino devotes a big chunk of its 2024 platform updates to adding “Whalesong” to its Translate app, only to reveal that it’s just teenage orcas who are sick of showing up as green bubbles in chats with their fellow marine mammals.
Those are, of course, only the most prominent fights awaiting Apple in 2024—I didn’t even delve into the company’s clash with the Tolkien estate over the glowing eye in the next HomePods or whether or not Apple Watches will still be on sale or even the eternal battle with the awoken dread god Glog-Raggopth, who is quite nippish after several thousand years of slumber. Rest assured, it’s going to be a contentious year, so dust off your chamfered brass knuckles and sharpen your MacBook Airs to a blade-like finish before the fight comes your way.
[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors, as well as an author, podcaster, and two-time Jeopardy! champion. You can find him on Mastodon at @dmoren@zeppelin.flights or reach him by email at dan@sixcolors.com. His latest novel, the sci-fi spy thriller The Armageddon Protocol, is out now.]