By Dan Moren
December 30, 2022 8:52 AM PT
The Back Page: Apple was doomed before it was cool
If there’s a theme for the past year in the technology industry, it is this: DOOM.
Yess, 2022 was the year that doom came for tech companies in earnest. It cut the legs out from under FTX and perhaps all of cryptocurrency to boot. It still powers the frothing tangle of no impulse control who’s taken control of Twitter, intent upon driving it into the ground at speed. Even John Carmack felt the tremors over at Meta, and that man knows from doom.
But in 2023, just one company’s going to corner the market on doom—and that’s Apple.
Look, no company does doom like Apple. It’s got decades of stories about its impending doom. Whole magazine covers1 have been devoted to it. but these days, it’s getting harder for it to actually make waves. The iPhone 14 Pro lines take a supply chain hit? Things are going to be fine. Apple loses $1 trillion in market capitalization? A trillion dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A…uh…bazillion dollars? Is that a number?
Once upon a time, doom was one of Apple’s most reliable and renewable resources. Nothing caused the company’s defenders to flock to it like a whiff of desperation and destruction. But now its success is taken as a guarantee and even when it takes a knock, its most ardent backers kind of just shrug.
So in 2023, Apple is doubling down on doom. Now, you may be asking: how does the most valuable company in the world up its doom quotient?
In style, my friends. Here are just four moves Apple’s making in 2023 to reassert its place at the top of the doom charts.
Après moi, le deluge: Physical assets are one of those things that can help anchor any company to financial security, and Apple’s got a huge one in the form of Apple Park. You want some doom, you need to compromise its value. So at long last it’s time: activate the Poseidon protocol. When the entire center of the ring is flooded, we’ll see for sure if the seams on those glass walls are waterproof. Bonus: free swimming hole!
iPhones are sharp now: You want some doom, there’s nothing more effective than turning your users against your own products. And the best way do that is to give customers what they think they want…and torture them in the process. So here you go: the iPhone 15 is the thinnest iPhone Apple’s ever made. So thin, its edges are just one molecule wide. You’ll have to punish yourself just to use it, which, honestly, is not so different from the experience of using Twitter these days.2
Disservices division Time to get rid of all that recurring revenue that Services has brought in, because nothing brings the doom faster than services that don’t work. Just ask Southwest Airlines. So let’s add more glitchy playback to Apple Music! More ads to Apple TV+! And the App Store…eh, I guess we can just leave that as it is.
Replace the CEO For too long, Apple has prospered under the rein of Tim Cook. That ends this year. If we’ve learned anything from Twitter, doom starts at the top, and trickles its way to the bottom. Somewhere there’s a joke here about bringing your own toilet paper to the office. Anyway, Tim Cook—out! The only question is who could possibly preside over the destruction of a beloved brand. To which I say…what’s Gil Amelio up to these days? Eh? Anyone?3
In short, there’s lot to look forward to in 2023. The doom’s just getting started, so keep scrolling and don’t forget: pray.
[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors. You can find him on Mastodon at @dmoren@zeppelin.flights or reach him by email at dan@sixcolors.com. His latest novel, the supernatural detective story All Souls Lost, is out now.]