By Dan Moren
December 31, 2021 11:02 AM PT
The Back Page: Perennial Predictions, 2022 Edition
Some predictions are like sweet denim jackets or A-Ha’s “Take On Me”: they never go out of style. As 2021 draws to a close, you’ll see tech pundits from across the Internet carefully calculating their predictions of what exactly is going to happen in the year ahead. Many of these will be right, but they will also be boring.
But where’s the fun in that? I too can tell you Apple’s going to make a 27-inch iMac or an iPhone 14 or that Tim Cook will start an event with “Good mooooorninnnng,” but none of that is any more surprising than telling you that Apple will make a hojillion dollars.
So instead, I welcome you to the first installment of my Perennial Predictions. You know, the ones we make every year which never seem to come true. But even an iPhone screenshot is right twice a day, so when the clock does tick over to 9:41, you’ll look like a genius. So prepare to be amazed, as I tell you what will transpire in [insert year here].
Apple will revive the AirPort. I’ve just about had it with these monkey-fighting routers on this Monday to Friday Internet! Look, my Eero is all fine and dandy, but I long for the days of my wonderful AirPort Extreme, a device that worked so well that I almost never had to configure it (which was good, since even the slightest change meant you had to restart it.) In short, that thing was bulletproof. I’m telling you, I shot it like four times and it was totally fine.
The next iPhone will fold. And have a USB-C port. Or no ports. Finally, this will be the year that Apple gets into the foldable phone market. This after the company pioneered the bendable phone back with the iPhone 6, but clearly it was ahead of its time. As for the port situation, well, it’s clear that USB-C is the new standard and the good news it that any cable you plug into it works perf— wait, what?
Apple Park will open again to employees. After years of working remotely, this is the year that it finally happens! At last, the giant donut will no longer just be a ghost town, with echoing hallways only suitable for Eddy Cue and Lisa Jackson’s weekly electric scooter races.
Apple will debut its own cryptocurrency. Called “Moofcoin” in honor of the old company mascot, it will work with your Apple Card and the App Store, including—twist!—third-party payment processors like the Epic Game Store. Apple’s gotta wet its beak somehow, friends.
Tim Cook will retire. That’s it, people. That’s all the man wrote. Cook’s had a good run, no doubt, taking over in the wake of Steve Jobs and leading Apple to unprecedented success and profitability, but after closing his rings for the millionth time, he’ll finally step down…only to return as the newest Apple Fitness+ cycling trainer!
Apple is doomed! Doooooomed! Yes, this year will be the last year of Apple. After the immense failure that is the Apple Boat, investors will abandon the company like rats from a sinking ship and now you also know why the Apple Boat failed. Ultimately, the company will close its doors, release its staff into the wild, and Apple Park will ascend slowly into the heavens like the end of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, but without the cool John Williams score. I guess on a long enough timescale, even Michael Dell is right eventually.
Just remember, when these events do inevitably come to pass, you heard it here first.
[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors. You can find him on Mastodon at @dmoren@zeppelin.flights or reach him by email at dan@sixcolors.com. His latest novel, the supernatural detective story All Souls Lost, is out now.]