By Dan Moren

November 30, 2021 1:53 PM PT

The Back Page: Tim Cook’s Wishlist

The holiday season is upon us, and what do you get for the man who has literally everything?¹

Tim Cook has got to be a hard man to shop for. From outward appearances, all he seems to do is work and work (out). Truly, he seems to be a man of few luxuries, excusing the occasional hobnobbing with celebrities and expensive home purchase. But with his zip-up sweaters and sensible slacks, his lifestyle doesn’t exactly scream creature comforts.

So, in order to help all those people with Not So Tiny Tim on their holiday list—especially those who are doing a little last-minute shopping²—we’ve compiled this helpful resource of a few things that the CEO of one of the world’s most valuable companies might be excited to unwrap.

A stay of execution. Court orders aren’t anybody’s best friend, but with the clock still ticking down on Apple dealing with its one loss in the trial versus Epic, Tim (Cook, that is, not the other one) would certainly breathe easier knowing that the App Store wouldn’t undergo any upheavals—no matter how minor they might end up being—during the holiday season.

A steering wheel. By all accounts, Apple’s secretive not-so-secret car project has hit more than a few bumps in the road.³ The company’s recent revealed vision of a car with no steering wheel or pedals certainly sounds ambitious, but perhaps what’s really needed here is some non-machine vision. Direction, if you will. An eye on the destination, more than the journey.

I’m saying they need a better plan.

I don’t know if that’s the kind of thing that you can wrap up with a bow, but aren’t miracles what the holiday season is all about?

A visit from three ghosts. Far be it from me to suggest that Tim needs a come-to-Marley moment, but perhaps there’s some insight to be gained from the examples of Apple past, present, and future. Naturally Steve Jobs could pop in to tell his old protege about he wished he’d been a more kind and sensitive boss, and maybe letting folks work at home wouldn’t be the end of the world, especially during, you know, the end of the world. Then Craig Federighi would appear, impeccably coiffed as always, and Tim might get a chance to apologize for making him hold forth like a fire-and-brimstone preacher about the evils of sideloading. And finally, the Apple CEO of 2045 would arrive—in meta avatar form, naturally—and suggest that a pivot into life preservers, sandbags, and inflatable rubber dinghies might be a really smart move for the company right about now.

Legacy nodes. Because if there’s anything the man really needs, it’s a pile of Bluetooth chips pouring over him like all those letters in Miracle on 34th Street⁴. Yes, Vir-tim-ia, there is a Santa Claus!

And, if all else fails, surely there’s at least one room in Tim’s house that still needs a Peloton.

[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors. You can find him on Mastodon at @dmoren@zeppelin.flights or reach him by email at dan@sixcolors.com. His latest novel, the supernatural detective story All Souls Lost, is out now.]