By Dan Moren
November 27, 2020 11:50 AM PT
The Back Page: Everything Apple Didn’t Announce This Fall
With an unprecedented three events this fall, Apple has revamped the vast majority of its key products. We’ve seen new iPhones, a new iPad Air, new Apple silicon Macs, and even a new HomePod model and an Apple services bundle.
But even that embarrassment of riches might not be enough to satisfy the most die-hard of Apple fans. After all, what about all the products that Apple didn’t announce this year? You know what I’m talking about—they’re the ones you wanted the most. And yet Apple, in its capricious whims, decided not to release new models.
Probably just to aggrieve you personally.
So, with the end of the year on the way, it seems as safe a time as ever to run down the full, comprehensive list of everything Apple didn’t announce this fall. And I do mean everything. Stand back: the first few rows might get wet.
AirTags: These rumored Bluetooth- and U1-enabled tracking fobs have been rumored for years, hinted at by everything from uncovered software to regulatory filings. And yet, we still have no proof that they actually exist.1 For now, we’ll just have to go on losing our keys or our wallets and never finding them. Thanks, Apple.
AirPods Studio: Some people don’t like sticking things in their ears. Like Pavel Chekov, for example. For those people, AirPods and AirPods Pro are a non-starter, so they’ve been waiting on the very edges of their seats for news that Apple would release over-the-ear headphones with its patented AirPods technology and finish. Sorry, it’s not going to be this year. Stick your fingers in your ears and yell “lalalalalalala” at the top of your lungs; it’s the next best thing.
Apple TV 8K: What, you’re still on 4K? There’s a whole bunch more Ks out there now, and if Apple doesn’t release a set-top box that supports these most high end of TVs, then it is doomed. DOOMED, I say.
Higher base iCloud storage plans: Sure, there’s the Apple One bundle now, but 5GB for the free storage plans? Come on, pull the other one.
Augmented reality glasses: We know you’re working on them, Apple. All those AR gewgaws on your event invitations? The weird multilayered Big Sur icons? Lidar? Your constant insistence that, no, AR is actually a thing, really, we promise. Well, your promises mean nothing to us. They are as worthless as the promise that you actually “get” gaming now.
Apple Car: It’s the year 2020. But where are the Apple Cars? I was promised Apple Cars. I don’t see any Apple Cars. Why? Why? Why?
Apple mesh router: The AirPort Extreme must live again. We could really use Apple’s simplicity, security, and privacy to support all the various Apple gadgets around our house. Because why? Because Apple all the things, that’s why!
Apple breakfast cereal: I’m still eating raisin bran, like a chump, and I’m disappointed every single morning. You think Tim Cook eats raisin bran every morning?2
Apple furniture line: What, I’m just going to sit on some ratty IKEA garbage? I know Jony Ive is gone, but would a chair as comfortably enveloping as his white void be too much to ask?
Apple apple: Come on Apple, you’ve been around for more than forty years, you have an orchard on the Apple Park campus, and you still haven’t created your own apple variety? Disappointing. What would it be like? Rainbow colored, obviously, and its taste would be buttery smooth.
[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors. You can find him on Mastodon at @dmoren@zeppelin.flights or reach him by email at dan@sixcolors.com. His latest novel, the supernatural detective story All Souls Lost, is out now.]