By Dan Moren
March 31, 2020 9:03 AM PT
The Back Page: Finally
Cursor support on the iPad? Finally.
Hell froze over this past week as Apple brought mousing and trackpads to the touchscreen world of the iPad. But, that means that the floodgates are open, right? All those things we thought Apple would never do are clearly poised to become reality next. So let’s run down some of the things that we can doubtlessly expect to see from Cupertino in the not too distant future.
Touchscreen Macs: Now that we can use our Magic Trackpads on our iPads to our hearts’ content, it seems only fair that Apple bring commensurate touch functionality to MacBooks, iMacs, and of course, the new Mac Pro. I want to smear my monitor in fingerprints as I scroll through webpages, enlarge photos like I’m using one of those Microsoft Surface tables, and finally get some use out of that lickable interface. After all, they don’t say what you need to touch it with.
A new AirPort: Look, Apple, we all know you claimed that you were “out” of the router game, but we see your clever plan here. You’re waiting for us to sadly throw out our old AirPort base stations before you swoop back in with a brand new one that’s also a home hub, a video storage location, and probably even clean up our living room. Plus, it’ll boost our networking speeds to unheard of levels, allowing us to stream 8K HDR video while playing our latest video games in VR. And, if we’re very very lucky, it might even be able to manage a single Zoom videoconference.
An all-glass keyboard: Glass, glass, all is glass. Keyboards are causing so many problems these days, and Apple doesn’t want to have to worry about scissors or butterflies, or even mechanisms. So it’s time for that rumored all-glass keyboard to make its appearance, just in time for our Macs to go touchscreen anyway. The next step is to have each of us enclosed in a glass cube all the time, and if you think they’re not working on it, then you’ve never been to the Fifth Avenue Apple Store.
AirPower: My understanding about Apple’s cancled wireless charging pad is that it was actually too powerful. Those waves radiated outward without end, powering every single device in your home, whether they needed it or not. Your exercise machine? Powered. Your lemon squeezer? Powered! Your front door? Power—ow! Well, maybe this one’s not ready for prime time yet either. Back to the drawing board.
A toaster fridge: People like to mock the toaster fridge concept, but I think you’re all missing the point. You keep your bread in the freezer to prolong its life, but then you have to take it out and wait for it to defrost in the toaster. Who has that kind of time? No, I want a one-stop machine that takes it from rock solid to deliciously toasted, with no in-between work from me. Think how this could revitalize all of our major food groups, from frozen pizza to Hot Pockets.
Upgraded FaceTime cameras for Mac Ha ha, just kidding.
[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors. You can find him on Mastodon at @email@example.com or reach him by email at firstname.lastname@example.org. His latest novel, the supernatural detective story All Souls Lost, is out now.]