By Dan Moren

November 30, 2019 9:47 AM PT

The Back Page: Excuse me, have you heard the good deals?

Yes, it is once again that fabulous season, awaited by people all across the world all year long: THE SEASON OF DEALS. Those deals, having ripened on the vine until they were finally ready to pluck, are now loaded up and dispatched onto their long journey to you, the deals-loving consumer.

But you may be wondering, as you are barraged with so many offers for deals over the next week or so, “what should I be looking for?”

Very good. Asking for help is the first step to True Deals, and this means you are now on the road to Bargainsville.

As you sit down in front of your phone, tablet, or computer on this, the holiest of high holidays, the Blackest of Fridays, allow me to present the five Cardinal Rules of Deals. Adhere to these and you too can save…and be saved:

1. Not all deals are true deals. It’s important to remember this. Sometimes they require you to jump through hoops, such as giving out your personal information, buying more of something than you want, or requiring that you follow a strange man to a mysterious castle where you will be imprisoned and turned into a werewolf. BEWARE.

2. You may be tempted by that most deleterious of devils, the one know that goes by the misleading moniker of “Low Low Prices,” to purchase something which you rightly know you have no need of. Resist with every fiber of your being; repeat unto yourself the mantra “Marie Kondo” until the diabolical urge to consume passes.

3. When it comes to Doorbusters, exercise extreme caution. Do not, under any circumstances, bust a door, as it may result in significant penalties, criminal charges, and/or personal injury. And remember, it’s only a “Doorbuster” if it’s from the Doorbust region of Best Buy—otherwise it’s a sparkling deal.

4. It is always best to think of others in the Season of Deals, for there may very well be those in your life who could benefit from said deals, even if you yourself are unappealed by them. Remember that a deal shared is not a deal halved, but a deal doubled, for you get not only the pleasure of having tasted a deal in its prime, but the joy of sharing it with one that you love. Who also presumably loves deals.

5. Think twice before you venture forth on “Cyber Monday,” for it is most assuredly Not A Thing.

Now that you are forewarned and forearmed with the five Cardinal Rules of Deals, you may feel free to delve into that most terrifying of realms, the Internet, and identify only the choicest deals. Or, and it hangs heavily upon me, ordained as I am in the Church of the Deals, to say this: You could, uh… just not. Save it for Prime Day.

[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors. You can find him on Mastodon at @dmoren@zeppelin.flights or reach him by email at dan@sixcolors.com. His latest novel, the supernatural detective story All Souls Lost, is out now.]