By Dan Moren
May 31, 2019 9:23 AM PT
The Back Page: Surprise and delight
Welcome to Apple’s Worldwide Developers Conference 2019. We’re so glad that you, our developer community, could be here to share in all the special announcements we have in store today. And a warm welcome to all of you watching the livestream in your pajamas, too. We think you’ll really be delighted—but more importantly surprised—by what we have to tell you.
Because it’s surprise that we’re going to talk about today. As you may have realized, it’s getting harder and harder for us to keep secrets that don’t find their way out into the press eventually. And by “the press,” I really mean Mark, Guilherme, and Steve. Those guys. Love them. Love. Totally just delighted by them, and yes, this is how I normally smile.
Anyway, this time around we’ve taken a hard left turn, seeding our most suspect engineers with totally bogus information to leak, and I’m pleased to say that it’s worked a treat. All those rumors out there that you thought were going to happen today? News flash—they’re fakes.
What, you thought we were going to announce new Music and TV apps in macOS 10.15? You’re off your rocker—or should I say “your ROKR”. iTunes is an unkillable monolith that not even our bravest engineers dare touch. Some day humanity’s going to find it orbiting Jupiter.
Dark Mode in iOS 13? Ha! That’s a good one. Why would we have all our designers spend that kind of time. “Invert Colors” was good enough for your parents, it’ll be good enough for you. What else did you want—Copland themes?
So, what have we got for you? Well, we promised you the Mac Pro, and we’re going to deliver. Unfortuantely, our Mac Pro is actually a twenty-seven year-old hipster named Justin who’s going to look down your nose no matter what Mac you choose to buy. Sorry, but Justin’s parents are really tired of having him live at home, and I promised them he could have a job.
You’re probably also hoping to learn about the next stage of Project Marzipan. Well, the good news is that it’s proceeding better than anyone has expected. The even better news is that it’s not actually a set of APIs for running iOS apps on the Mac, but real, genuine marzipan that Phil and Jony have been cooking up in the Apple Park kitchens for the last year. They sell it at farmers’ markets on the weekends, and it’s a real hit. Even Lady Gaga liked it.
I know some of you may be disappointed by these announcements, but our hands were tied. We could either make the very products that you were all hoping for or we could make things that surprise you. We simply don’t have the personnel to do both. So, instead of finally creating the robust iPad multitasking system that everybody has clamored for, we had Craig Federighi indulge in his personal fondness for macramé. It just seemed like a no-brainer, because nobody would ever see it coming.
Anyway, we’re sure you’ll enjoy this full week of conference sessions, highlights of which include a recently unearthed Shakespeare manuscript, building the perfect bird house, and a talk led by a horde of live bees. Oh, and on your way out, don’t forget to take the free box of marzipan under your chair.
Just don’t take it to the bee session.
[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors. You can find him on Mastodon at @dmoren@zeppelin.flights or reach him by email at dan@sixcolors.com. His latest novel, the supernatural detective story All Souls Lost, is out now.]