By Dan Moren
December 31, 2018 11:11 AM PT
The Back Page: Favorite Apple announcements of 2018 (multiverse edition)
Oh, what a year it has been! Surely, 2018 shall be one for the books, sprinkled as it was with innovative new Apple products and technological breakthroughs. But in order to truly get our grip on the best things to come out of Cupertino this year, we must break down the barrier between time and space, coalescing multiple dimensions into a realm where we can perceive them all. No, don’t stop me! We MUST. After all dimensional boundaries are made to be broken. I’ve gotten in touch with the Dan Morens on other Earths to bring you, without any further adieu, the five best Apple announcements of 2018 across the vast multiverse:
Apple HoverCar (Earth 2015)
Apple’s been producing automobiles for more than a decade now, and their electric-powered vehicles are well-designed, last a long time on a single battery charge, and come with state of the art self-driving systems. Fine, great, whatever—we all know what they’ve been lacking to date are flying capabiltiies. Samsung brought its flying car to market three years ago and, yes, it does make the occasional unexpected water landing, but the point is that it has flying capabilities. It’s about time Apple caught up with the rest of the pack and added these features. Unfortunately, this year’s model can’t move while hovering, but we’re fully expecting that to show up in a future software update.
The Seventeenth-Generation iPod (Late 2018), PRODUCT(GREEN) U2 Edition (Earth 416)
People wanted a faster horse and BY GUM they got it. The seventeenth version of the iconic music player harkens back to yesteryear with white and black versions, holds 250,000 songs, and comes pre-loaded with U2’s complete discography—all 72 albums, including Edgeless and Bonobos of Tomorrow. And it’s all navigable by the company’s latest revision of the Click Wheel, which is clickier and wheelier than ever. Plus, a portion of the proceeds for every iPod goes to help the disadvantaged folks whose ears don’t fit Apple earbuds.
Apple HomePod (Earth 2187)
Tiny houses are in, and count on Apple to capitalize on that by building the home of tomorrow. This self-contained home is a miniaturized version of the company’s own Apple Park campus, and can house a family of four—no more, no less. It’s filled to the brim with smart technology, including standing and sitting workstations, automated and environmentally friendly heat and air-conditioning, and decals that remind you where the glass is so you don’t break your nose when you walk into it. The only thing that could make it better is some sort of wireless speaker system, but nobody has yet managed to invent one!
Apple: The Collectible Card Game, 2018 Edition (Earth 52)
Ever wanted to see who’d win in a fight between Jony “Aluminium” Ive and “Big” Bob Mansfield? Now you can! With the tremendous and unprecedented success of Apple’s Texas Hold ‘Em game for iPod, the company pulled a reverse Nintendo, realizing the real money wasn’t in electronics, but in cards. Following in the footsteps of Magic: The Gathering and Pokémon, Apple’s cardboard empire has been unstoppable nigh these last twelve years. Rumors are a feature film based on the game is in the works; I just hope they don’t make a CGI Steve Jobs.
Apple Sandbags (Earth 86)
Yes, the sea levels have risen to critical levels, flooding people out of homes across the world. But with Apple’s newest Sandbag, you can make sure to keep the watery fates away from your abode. They use only the finest hand-selected grains of black sand from the beaches of Iceland—it’s simply the most absorbant and environmentally friendly sand around. Plus, the bags themselves are hand-stitched out of the same linen used to make the suits of the wealthy 1 percent who now live in aboveground bunkers in the Midwest. Uhhhh, Earth 86 is not great, folks.
[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors. You can find him on Mastodon at @firstname.lastname@example.org or reach him by email at email@example.com. His latest novel, the supernatural detective story All Souls Lost, is now available for pre-order.]