By Dan Moren
November 30, 2018 8:38 PM PT
The Back Page: iGive Thanks
It’s that time of the year to look back over the previous twelve months and identify the things that mean the most to us—the things that we’re thankful for. So, as we kick off this holiday season, I’d like to spend a moment and tell you, dear readers, the five Apple-related things that I’m most thankful for over the past year.
That Jony Ive is still imprisoned inside his white room. We all know Jony is happiest when he is able to truly immerse himself in work, isolating himself from any malign interference from the outside world, such as “customers.” And who would want to miss the anticipation that builds as the crowds gather outside the door to his sanctum sanctorum, waiting until the latest iPhone or iPad is slipped from beneath, fully assembled, to be hefted aloft and brought before the cowering masses? This is how Apple makes its magic, and it’s my most fervent wish that they never let him out—he is a delicate flower that might not survive contact with non-chamfered surfaces.
Apple’s commitment to the Mac laptop. “Oh, you’re worried we don’t make enough Mac laptops?” Tim Cook backs up a dump truck full of laptops to your house, and deposits ten thousand different models on your lawn. “How about THEM Apples? Eh? See what I did there?”
The increasing absurdity of iPhone model names. XS? XR? XS Max? None of those are even remotely pronounceable. Either Apple is slowly griefing us or Phil Schiller’s cat keeps taking naps on his keyboard. If there’s not at least one special character in next year’s iPhone model name, I will eat my hat. iPhone X§? iPhone ∫Ωøπ? Hey, at least it provides a rich vein for writing humorous pieces about Apple. Where else could you ask about a pirate’s favorite iPhone? (Come on, matey, it’s obviously the EX ARRRRRRRR.)
The iPad’s “computer or not” status. The iPad’s a computer. Or it’s not. It can be used for real work. But only if your real work isn’t real work. Thank god for all of this inane nonsensical debate, because if it didn’t exist, what the heck would I be writing all my articles about? Sure, the iPad seems like it’s good for about 80 to 90 percent of what people do every day, but I hope Apple never adds that last 10 percent so that I can keep milking this story forever.
Apple no longer reporting unit sales for its products. Numbers, man. They can be so misleading. Just because Apple reports how many iPhones it’s sold doesn’t mean that’s a real representation of the company’s success, how much money it makes, or even how many iPhones it’s sold, am I right? So good on the company for not only removing a confusing source of “factual information” but also really making those financial analysts exercise their creative impulses by coming up with totally ridiculous numbers of their own to squabble and argue about.
Courage. Oh man, it never gets old.
Well, I’ve taken up enough of your time. I hope there’s plenty that you and yours are thankful for this holiday season, even if it’s not about Apple. Now stop hogging the turkey.
[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors. You can find him on Mastodon at @dmoren@zeppelin.flights or reach him by email at dan@sixcolors.com. His latest novel, the supernatural detective story All Souls Lost, is out now.]