By Dan Moren

October 31, 2018 8:32 PM PT

The Back Page: A MacBook for every seasoning

If there’s one thing Apple has no shortage of, it’s consumer-oriented mobile computing devices. (or, as they’re catchily known in the biz, COMCDs—wait, that’s nothing.) With the company’s resurrection of the MacBook Air, there’s a full line-up of these products, from the lowly $329 iPad all the way up to the top-of-the-line MacBook Pro.

Now, this may seem confusing. After all, if you’re in the market for a Mac laptop, which MacBook do you get? How do you tell the difference between the MacBook, MacBook Air, and MacBook Pro? Why would you pay hundreds of dollars more for an iPad Pro over a cheap, but funcational iPad?

But this isn’t confusion—it’s brilliance. What we’re seeing here is the earliest stages of Apple’s brilliant new marketing plan: soon, all of Apple’s lineup will be mobile computing devices, sliced up for very specific markets. So it’ll be easy to pick the MacBook or iPad that’s perfect for you. Here are just a few of the earliest concepts that Apple is experimenting with for its COMCD—you know what, I’m just going to stop trying to make that a thing:

MacBook Throw We’ve all probably tossed our laptops down on a bed or a couch without thinking much about it. But what if you could toss your MacBook anywhere? Introducing the new MacBook Throw, with a form factor specially crafted to provide unparalleled aerodynamics. It’s the most throwable MacBook yet! Toss it on a counter. On a table. At a fleeing mugger. Plus, with a new feature we’re calling BooMacrang, your computer always returns right back to your hands. Why worry about dropping a MacBook when you can throw it?

MacBook Hair If you live in colder climates, as I do, you’ve winced when you’ve picked up your aluminum laptop on a frigid day. Or maybe you just don’t care for the hard, unyielding feeling of metal. Either way, the new MacBook Hair, coated entirely in the finest alpaca, may be right for you! Its amazingly soft exterior is luxurious to the hand, and attractive to the eye, and you’ll never find yourself looking at recycled aluminum the same way again. Included in the box is the latest Apple Comb to let you unsnarl those tangles that invariably occur. Word has it that braiding the hair is amazingly therapeutic!

SnackBook There you are, sitting at your desk, when 10:30am rolls around and you find yourself with a craving. But you’re tethered to your computer, desperately trying to get work done—what to do? Enter the SnackBook, Apple’s one-stop shop for productivity and combating the munchies. The SnackBook is built from a revolutionary alloy of marzipan that’s one hundred percent edible and biodegradeable. Just need something to take the edge off? Pop off a delicious keycap from the resilient butterfly keyboard. Want some heartier fare? Snap off a section of the chassis—as big as you like—and chow down. With the new SnackBook as your witness, you’ll never go hungry again.

iPad Bro Bro, do you even iPad, bro? Coated in an indestructible shellac of Axe body spray and shame, the iPad Bro is the mobile computing device that got two collars popped way up from the Washington Brost. With a new High Five feature that’ll never leave you hangin’ and an optional attachment that dispenses very very cheap beer¹, the iPad Bro is sure to be perfect for every Broseph and Broreen in your life. Just don’t tell Todd—that dude is such a killjoy.

[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors. You can find him on Mastodon at @dmoren@zeppelin.flights or reach him by email at dan@sixcolors.com. His latest novel, the supernatural detective story All Souls Lost, is now available for pre-order.]