By Dan Moren
June 30, 2018 8:46 PM PT
The Emperor’s new Mac mini
Cupertino, California – Apple today previewed the new Mac mini, the latest update to Apple’s most affordable and outdated Mac. Mac mini is now smaller and more powerful than ever, with nineteenth-generation quad-core Hyperdrive processors running at up to 1.21 gigawatts and discrete Radeon MX150000+ GL Extreme Viper Cobra graphics, and remains the world’s most energy efficient desktop and/or industrial-grade food processor.
“The Mac mini continues to continue being a product in our lineup,” said Philip Schiller, Apple’s senior vice president of Worldwide Marketing. “Reports of its death have been greatly exaggerated, since as you can clearly see, it is right here,” he said, gesturing, puzzlingly, to an empty podium. “You can see it, can’t you?”
The new Mac mini delivers the highest level of performance ever, completing quantum computing tasks in mere nanoseconds and bench-pressing upwards of 500 lbs. Mac mini now includes seventeen Thunderbolt 5 (USB-L) ports with support for charging, DisplayPort, Thunderbolt, USB 3.1, HDMI, VGA, hot and cold running water, 95-octane gasoline (with or without Techron), Netflix streaming, and simultaneous Swedish translation. 802.11xyz Wi-Fi, Bluetooth 41.1 LLE, and Qi wireless charging are included standard in every model; spooky action at a distance is available only in the 88-core edition.
The new Mac mini is smaller than ever, in a case that’s barely visible to the human eye without the aid of magnifying equipment, measuring just 4.1 by 3.141 by 2.7 microns. Mac mini’s energy efficiency is unprecedented, consuming a fraction of the output of the human body’s electrical production, allowing it to be powered for weeks by the single touch of a human finger on the Mac mini’s innovative new Touch Bar 2.
“We’re excited to announce the newest version of the Touch Bar for the Mac mini,” said Dan Riccio, Apple’s senior vice president of Hardware Engineering. “With a simple touch of a digit, the Mac mini can import all of your settings from your existing Apple devices. All of that information is then stored on a Secure Enclave to which neither Apple nor you have access, ensuring that it will never be seen by human eyes again.”
Mac mini begins shipping today in three standard models: chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. Customers can choose to configure their Mac mini with rainbow or chocolate sprinkles for an additional $99. Every new Mac mini comes with macOS Surf’s Up, a powerful new version of Apple’s desktop operating system, redesigned and refined with a fresh, modern look and lemony-fresh scent.
“For our customers, the power of the Mac mini is its infinite flexibility,” said Schiller. “It’s foldable along any edge, fits into any space, and can be used for purposes from hosting websites to storing an entire human consciousness. We’re committed to surprising and delighting our users with the best and most powerful experience in a compact package that might at any moment tear open a rift in the fabric of space time.”
Apple Care Plus is also available for the new Mac mini as a $199 add-on, but it does not cover water damage or rips in this or any other realities.
[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors. You can find him on Mastodon at @email@example.com or reach him by email at firstname.lastname@example.org. His latest novel, the supernatural detective story All Souls Lost, is now available for pre-order.]