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Six Colors

by Jason Snell & Dan Moren

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By Dan Moren

The Emperor’s new Mac mini

Cupertino, California – Apple today previewed the new Mac mini, the latest update to Apple’s most affordable and outdated Mac. Mac mini is now smaller and more powerful than ever, with nineteenth-generation quad-core Hyperdrive processors running at up to 1.21 gigawatts and discrete Radeon MX150000+ GL Extreme Viper Cobra graphics, and remains the world’s most energy efficient desktop and/or industrial-grade food processor.

“The Mac mini continues to continue being a product in our lineup,” said Philip Schiller, Apple’s senior vice president of Worldwide Marketing. “Reports of its death have been greatly exaggerated, since as you can clearly see, it is right here,” he said, gesturing, puzzlingly, to an empty podium. “You can see it, can’t you?”

The new Mac mini delivers the highest level of performance ever, completing quantum computing tasks in mere nanoseconds and bench-pressing upwards of 500 lbs. Mac mini now includes seventeen Thunderbolt 5 (USB-L) ports with support for charging, DisplayPort, Thunderbolt, USB 3.1, HDMI, VGA, hot and cold running water, 95-octane gasoline (with or without Techron), Netflix streaming, and simultaneous Swedish translation.…

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