By Dan Moren
May 31, 2018 8:39 PM PT
The Back Page: WWDC You Later
Thanks for joining us at this year’s Worldwide Developers Conference. Today we have some very important news to share with you.
We’re shutting it all down.
Everything. From soup to nuts. The whole enchilada.
Why? Because we listened. Everybody said that we were doomed and looking forward we decided that, on a long enough timescale, they were right. Our demise is inevitable, and we just can’t work with that hanging over our heads any longer. It’s just a lot of pressure, and honestly, why even bother? We can’t change the world, and we were hyperbolic and foolish for thinking we could—and not that charming, do-anything Steve Jobs kind of foolish either.
It’s come to our attention that we were just all over the place. Computer, fine—maybe even tablets and smartphones. But cars? Watches? Weird home speaker things that you can sort of talk to when you get lonely? Dabbling in television? Who were we kidding? There’s no way we could have just walked into this industry! The only explanation was that it was merely Act I in the three-part story that chronicled our tragic rise and fall.
I know you all came here excited to find out what’s next for the iPhone and the Mac, and that this must seem like a downer. But don’t blame us—blame all the people on the Internet who said that we could never, ever last. It’s tough to work with this sort of prophecy always hovering around you. It’s like a cloud; one that charges you a small amount of money month after month, and you think about canceling it, but then you’re like “It’s only a dollar!”
That’s how prophecies get you.
Anyway, I’m sure you’re all curious about what will happen to your favorite devices. Don’t worry: the iPhone and the Mac will keep running under their own steam for a while, though even they will eventually succumb to the ravages of time and entropy. Just like all of us.
That’s right: we’re all just fighting the unwinnable fight. And there’s only so much that our devices can do to distract you from the reality that your life is just ticking away, like seconds on a digital reconstruction of an analog clock.
So, what will become of Apple, Inc.? Well, after all these years, we’ve finally decided to avail ourselves of Michael Dell’s evergreen advice and give all our money back to the shareholders—less all those taxes we owe. Our massive new headquarters will make, we think, an excellent luxury resort where you can while away what hours you have left in this existence.
Okay, this is getting to be a little bleak, even for us. So, we’ll leave you with this a positive thought that should carry you through the next few weeks: at least you won’t have to install any beta software that makes your devices incredibly unstable for the next couple months.
See? Even $1-per-month clouds have silver linings.
[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors. You can find him on Mastodon at @dmoren@zeppelin.flights or reach him by email at dan@sixcolors.com. His latest novel, the supernatural detective story All Souls Lost, is out now.]