By Dan Moren
February 28, 2017 4:40 PM PT
The Back Page: Welcome to Apple Park, where there is absolutely nothing sinister going on
Hello, and welcome to Apple Park. Situated on 175 acres of beautiful, rolling greenery, our new campus is a marvel of modern engineering that seamlessly blends with the existing environment. Our goal is to live in harmony with the land, and to benefit from its natural resources—wind, sunshine, trees—to not only provide safe and renewable energy and climate control for our campus, but also to foster a deeper connection with the earth, though suggestions that the location was picked because of a deep confluence of eldritch energies is, frankly, ridiculous.
We’d like to draw particular attention to the considerations we’ve made for the health and well-being of our employees. You can easily lose yourself on the two miles of walking and running paths that run through the campus, though reports that there have been a startling number of disappearances are overblown. A 100,000-square-foot fitness center provides around-the-clock facilities for keeping employees healthy and productive and ensures that they don’t need to set foot out of the building, especially at night.
Turning to the building itself, which is constructed from the largest panes of curved glass. Though the technology to construct these materials is new, we have tested it thoroughly to make sure that none of the panes have flaws that could lead to them being structurally unsound, even though we must repeat that there is no indication that the souls of the damned are trapped within any of them.
Thanks to state-of-the-art natural ventilation system, the Apple Campus will require neither heating nor air conditioning for three quarters of the year, which will not only save money and energy but also keep employees comfortable and not disturb any of the indigenous wildlife, though there are absolutely no signs of any large creatures stalking and prowling the surrounding areas, nor have we seen a marked increase in mangled squirrel corpses.
One of the most exciting elements of Apple Park is the 1000-seat auditorium named after our late co-founder. Located on one of the highest points of the campus, the Steve Jobs Theater overlooks the rest of the grounds; its entryway is comprised of a 20-foot high glass cylinder that features a metallic carbon-fiber roof. The main theater is buried underground, and is soundproof, capable of being hermetically sealed, and features a state of the art drainage system.
In conclusion, we are overjoyed to soon transition to our new campus, which we believe will foster a positive and healthy working environment for our more than 12,000 employees, allowing them to come together and work in single-minded devotion towards not only our company’s mission of creating products that surprise and delight our users, but also, we believe, for the betterment of all humanity—regardless of race, gender, orientation, or creed—through the summoning of the dread god Glog-Raggopth from the abyss beyond the endless void. We particularly look forward to welcoming the public to our visitor center, which includes a café and Apple Store!
[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors. You can find him on Mastodon at @dmoren@zeppelin.flights or reach him by email at dan@sixcolors.com. His latest novel, the supernatural detective story All Souls Lost, is out now.]