This Week in Apple: Stupid iPhone tricks

Big changes at your local app store this week as iPhone sales are decimated (look it up). And we’ll end with a tip for all you felons out there.

Emulation nation

Have you got a giant folder of illegal ROMs? There’s now an app for that.

“Delta Game Emulator Now Available From App Store on iPhone”

Yes, we live in a new world where you can get a game emulator from Apple’s App Store. If you invented a time machine and went back and tried to tell your past self from 2010 about this… well, most of the questions would have been about time travel and how the heck you learned all that physics, you’re a social media manager, Richard.

Delta is an all-in-one emulator that supports game systems including NES, SNES, N64, Nintendo DS, Game Boy, and Game Boy Advance.

What about my Fairchild Channel F?!

Hungry iPhone users dying to relive their lost youths downloaded Delta all the way to the top of the App Store charts.…

This Week in Apple: Coulda, shoulda, woulda

Apple’s had a rough start to 2024 but it’s not like everything’s peachy for either its competitors or the thorns in its side.

M-vy

Turn your mind back to the heady days of 2008: Barack Obama was running for president, the modern smartphone and the MCU were brand new, and all computers ran on Intel processors.

16 years later, it looks like someone flipped the game board over.

Apple, of course, makes its own computer processors now and is the one to beat in performance per watt, amperage, electrojule, what have you. This naturally has everyone else in a tizzy because it’s not the way things are supposed to be so there’s a certain amount of running around trying to do something about it.

Anything.

Google, gearing up for the wonderful new future where AI makes art and writes novels while we keep doing our taxes and digging ditches, is making its own chips.…

This Week in Apple: Ghost in the machine

Apple hasn’t given up on moving things that have AI in them, the iPhone 16’s genesis is nigh, and clean the house because spatial personas are coming over.

What could go wrong?

Look, you’re worried about AI. I get it. It’s impeding researchers who track language use, it’s being used to send out phony-baloney cease and don’t-desist-but-instead-link-to-our-site orders, and it dishes out bad medical advice.

But, lemme just run this by you. I think it’ll make it all more appealing.

What if we put the AI… in a robot?

Killer, right?

Ooh. I mean… uh… not… er…

“Apple Exploring ‘Mobile Robot’ That ‘Follows Users Around Their Homes’”

Apple is investigating the use of AI algorithms that would help robots “navigate cluttered spaces within people’s homes,”…

If they’re looking for a place to test them, my office would present quite the challenge.

Apple’s car may have been a lemon, but imagine how much lemonade you can squeeze out of something that big.…

This Week in Apple: Good Friday? Best Friday.

That title has nothing to do with this week’s column as, yep, Apple’s being investigated again. But WWDC is coming and so are new products. Life goes on.

He’s a brick… haaaause

Apple is clearly having a fun time right now and everything is going great.

I mean, in addition to the Department of Justice suit, it’s also being investigated by the EU and could get fined up to 10 percent of its global revenue, or even 20 percent if it gets saucy. So, there’s that. But, all in all, a great spring, everything is going super great, all green across the board.

[lights and sirens blaring behind him]

Speaking of Apple’s App Store travails, The Wall Street Journal took a look at that fine fresh Apple Fellow, Phil Schiller. Their conclusion after talking to a guy who doesn’t like Schiller? He’s all that’s wrong with the App Store.

“He’s a brick wall when it comes to these matters,” [former App Store review head, fart app maker and Disgruntled Former Employees Fund poster child Phillip] Shoemaker said.

This Week in Apple: The bill comes due

Anything happen this week? First, let’s hop in a golf cart to ask some Apple executives. Then we can read an 88-page PDF. We’ll finish by throwing our Apple silicon Macs into the ocean.

At least as exciting as watching golf itself

Spring can be a time when you feel as though you’re going through Apple keynote withdrawal. Fortunately, Brian Tong has you covered with this video ride-along with a number of Apple executives you may recognize. There’s Joz and Kaiann and Anand and so many more! It’s got more stars than a 1979 ABC “Still The One!” promo.

No one lets the beans spill on future products or features, but they do ride around and around the Apple campus a lot and wax poetic about the company’s products. You’ll hear about cameras and spatial memories and just all the awesomeness that’s going on at Apple Park and how awesome it is.…

This Week in Apple: Things continue to happen

The fun never stops with Apple, which is great for job security and at the same time so exhausting. Apple’s experimenting with a new twist on the ad market and asks the perennial question “Will it fold?”

Getting apps on the down-low-d

In a surprise turn of events, something happened this week. We go live now to the thing for a live report in real time (previously recorded).

“Apple adds Web Distribution for iOS apps in EU, loosens other restrictions”

If you had that on your bracket for Apple and the EU, then you are probably either Apple or the EU, possibly both. Either way, you’re not eligible to play this game. Your $5 buy-in will not be refunded.

This move does not come without some major caveats. Developers must have more than one million installs in the EU over twelve months, have been in the developer program for at least two years, and probably be able to show at least three forms of ID.…

This Week in Apple: Closing your rings with exercises in futility

Apple is getting along great with everyone. Thanks for asking. At least it keeps shipping new products.

$potify

The EU hit Apple with a $2 billion fine this week for “anti-competitive behavior” resulting from a complaint by Spotify. Apple responded by responding.

“The App Store, Spotify, and Europe’s thriving digital music market”

Despite that success, and the App Store’s role in making it possible, Spotify pays Apple nothing.

This might have been a time to use your inside voice.

Apple’s pissy missive — a pissive, if you will — goes on for over 1,500 words about how the App Store saved humanity (I skimmed it) and Spotify is just a greedy bunch of jerks, all of it just to say that Apple will be appealing the fine.

I’d say this could have been an email but it turns out Apple’s not great at those, either.

Epic fail

Ugh. We’re still talking about Epic.…

This Week in Apple: Apple cancels car project!

Apple has canceled its car project!

Apple cancels car project!

I’m so old I remember when the Apple car was coming in five years.

Technically, you’d only have to be nine years old to have been alive when people were saying that, but then there’s the issue of cognition and when earliest memories form… Well, you get the point.

Anyway, time’s up. In a step we haven’t seen since 2019, Apple has canceled a product development project. If you’re a fat cat automotive executive who said the PC guys were not just gonna knock this out, give yourself an extra dollop of caviar on that cracker.

“Apple to Wind Down Electric Car Effort After Decadelong Odyssey”

Were these wind-up cars? No wonder they killed the project. But, man, think of the carbon neutrality of a wind-up car.

Despite several strategy pivots, Apple has ultimately determined it simply couldn’t make the car it really wanted to make: one that was fully autonomous.…

This Week in Apple: Taking your Mac to CrAIg’s house

Artificial intelligence may be coming to AppleCare, Apple releases a sports app, and the EU keeps the hits coming.

You are doing a great job navigating this AI

Please hold while we AI all of the things.

“AppleCare Support Advisors Testing New ChatGPT-Like Tool ‘Ask’”

If this seems like an obvious first step toward eventually phasing out the humans doing AppleCare, that’s probably only because it is.

Apple recently launched a pilot program that provides select AppleCare support advisors with access to a new tool called “Ask” that can automatically generate responses to technical questions they receive from customers…

So don’t be surprised if the next time you contact AppleCare to get help connecting a printer or figuring out why iCloud is down again the person on the other end of the line starts going off on a tangent about how the moon landings were faked.

Still, if you ever get into real trouble you can always say “Pretend you’re my mother telling me a bedtime story about taking a Mac to Craig Federighi’s house so he can fix it.…

This Week in Apple: Returns of the Red Eyes

The Vision Pro was fun until my brain started leaking out of my ears! Heck, even Mark Zuckerberg doesn’t like it. Guess we’ll just have to hope Apple has some new products planned.

Side effects include

As the cutoff date for Vision Pro returns approaches, some are sending back the device, citing nausea and other detrimental physical effects such as reddened eyes as their reasons for wanting their $3,500 back.

“Apple fans are starting to return their Vision Pros”

Apple fans like… this person who works at Google.

…For Carter Gibson, a senior manager working on community management and moderation at Google, it’s the finer details. Things like futzing around with windows and file management are productivity deal-breakers.

That may seem an odd person to pick, but that’s just one of the “Apple fans” The Verge quotes in the piece. Others include The Verge’s own product manager, the CEO of an AI company, a random Reddit user (the only one who comes across as a real “Apple fan”), and a “tech influencer” whose pinned post shows him holding a foldable and says “Hard to deny Samsung is winning right now.”…

This Week in Apple: Infinitim War

This week Apple sighs heavily every time you forget your password, YouTube puts the Vision Pro on its map, and Tim Cook gets all set for the snap.

This is why I use the same password for everything

Despite a fairly smooth launch for the Vision Pro, there were one or two signs that maybe not everything was completely ready on day one.

Shortly after the device’s introduction, reports indicated that customers who forgot their password were being required to go to an Apple Store in order to have it reset. It is unclear whether or not customers were led through the mall by a cleric ringing a bell and loudly declaring “SHAME! SHAME!” But, as a father who has many more times than once had to deal with resetting a device for a child who changed his password and promptly forgot it, I welcome this new stricter regime. It is high time we cracked down on these infractions and I hope this new practice spreads to other Apple devi-

“visionOS 1.1 beta lets users reset a Vision Pro if they forget their password”

Oh.…

This Week in Apple: Gooooood mornnnnnning, Vision Pro!

It’s here! It’s here! It’s like Christmas in early February! Not for me, of course, but for some of you. Apple’s response to the EU’s DMA legislation will continue to be in news until… well, morale’s not improving, so it’s hard to say. At least the company’s not going out of business.

Vision Pro is go!

It’s here! With great fanfare, the Vision Pro arrived today at stores and homes near you, depending on the wealth index in your ZIP code. Tim Cook took to Manhattan yet again to welcome the Vision Pro procurers and those who are just Vision Pro-curious (he even got a fantastic new shirt for his troubles).

Despite tepidity in some of the reviews, you will be surprised to learn that Cook is all in on the Vision Pro. So all in that he’s actually been pictured with his face all in one. Why? Glad you asked.…

This Week in Apple: New rules, same game

Huge news on the App Store front this week, even as we’re all still recovering from the big Mac party. And will the next version of Siri finally put some intelligence in AI?

App Store Rulebook, Fifth Edition

Apple announced major changes to the App Store rules this week as part of its oh-so-reluctant compliance with the EU’s Digital Markets Act (DMA).

Jason has rounded up the high points of the changes which include reduced commissions for EU developers, alternative browsers, and the ability to create third-party app stores. While still a confusing collection of rules designed mostly to hurt Apple the least while still complying with at least some of the letters of the law, these terms are better than those reported earlier in the week by The Wall Street Journal (which totally was not planted by Apple in order to set expectations of HATE so as to surprise and delight when the actual policy was merely SIMMERING DISLIKE).…

This Week in Apple: Apple giveth and Apple taketh away

The new year must be in full swing because there’s actual Apple news this week. We got an Epic decision and some of you lucky devils bought Vision Pros. At least the Apple Watch Series 9 I got in November can still tell me my blood oxygen level.

A real Epic

It’s all over but the shouting as Epic’s swing at Apple turns out to be largely a miss.

“Supreme Court rejects Epic v. Apple antitrust case”

Well, I guess we can draw a line under that saga and just walk away without looking back, because surely Jason Voorhees is dead this time.

“Epic to contest Apple’s ‘bad-faith’ compliance plan following Supreme Court ruling on App Store”

Uhnnnnnnn. Come onnnn.

And that’s not all. Apple is subsequently demanding Epic pay it $73.4 million for legal fees per the terms of the suit. That’s 21,000 Vision Pros! But it’s also just 1.33 Dutch App Store fines.…

This Week in Apple: Are you getting it?

Apple hits its Vision Pro target but Microsoft still comes out on top. And Apple is full of excuses.

Here we go, Vision Pro

If you’ve been living in cave the last week… well, that actually sounds nice for 2024. Is there any more room? But in case you missed it, the Vision Pro will officially go on sale on January 19th and be available on February 2nd. “Early 2024” indeed.

Still, you may have some questions. I know I do. Like, does the cave have running water? Trash and recycling service? But maybe your questions are about the Vision Pro.

Apple is ready for you. You can try one out at your local Apple Store. Don’t have a local Apple Store? That’s OK. You can probably fly to one and try it out and it’ll still cost you way less than buying one.

Think you’d rather go for one of the cheaper options just announced at CES?…

This Week in Apple: All the wrong answers

2024 kicks off with all new Apple acquisition fan drafts and even larger iPhones. And is Apple poised to join the AI arms race? Why?

Peloton and on

Last year’s Apple acquisition porn focused on the company acquiring no less than Disney. 2024 seems to have more realistic goals.

“Deepwater predicts Apple acquisition of Peloton”

Seriously, who comes up with this stuff?

Minneapolis-based investment firm, Deepwater Asset Management, predicts that in 2024 Apple will finally acquire Peloton – the firm is headed by former tech analyst, Gene Munster.

Oh, of course. Answering the question “Does Gene Munster still writes Apple fan fiction?” Yes. The answer is yes.

The article then raises the question: can Betteridge’s Law of Headlines also be applied to sentences that appear in the article?

Would Apple acquire a business that hasn’t shown growth in nearly three years?

It’s not completely out of the question for Apple to buy Peloton.…

This Week in Apple: Tick-tocking into the future

The Apple Watch is back, baby! Meanwhile, Apple is still looking into this whole “AI” thing you might have heard about and what is that I see dimly on the horizon? Is it the first Vision Pro?

A Watch plot that continuously boils

The Apple Watch patent saga is such a rollercoaster ride it’s surprising it hasn’t set off anyone’s crash detection. On Boxing Day, it looked like Apple was out of options.

“Biden administration decides not to overturn Apple Watch sales ban in the US”

But wait! Because in the final seconds of the fourth quarter of 2023, Apple got a [strained football analogy abandoned]!

“U.S. appeals court grants Apple’s request to pause smartwatch import ban”

And just like that, Watches are back on sale at Apple, just in time for… January birthdays, I guess.

Quoted in the piece by NPR is our old pal, Gene “Apple TV set” Munster, who says that if Apple can work around the patent, that will go a long way toward showing it did not violate the patent, depending on a judge’s definition of temporal mechanics.…

This Week in Apple: Year-end closeouts

Hope you already got an Apple Watch 9 if you were in the market. Laughing at GM seems like it’s going to be a sport for a long time but the Beeper Mini saga seems to be ending. Or is it?

Number 9? Number 9?

The big news this week is that an Apple product is now banned in the U.S…. For being too real? Can the U.S. just not handle the realness of the Apple Watch 9?

No, actually, it’s for patent violations.

This long-brewing case against the fancy flop-maker has had its midseason twist, with the import ban forcing Apple to take Watches off the virtual shelves and, after Christmas, the real ones.

“Apple pulls online sales of Apple Watches as US ban nears”

If Apple was playing chicken with the ITC, it appears to have lost.

“ITC Denies Apple’s Request for a Stay on Looming Apple Watch Import Ban”

We will have to wait for January to see how the rest of this season of Apple Legal is going to play out.…

This Week in Apple: Like tears in rain

GM’s new software system better be a doozy after how it’s trash talked CarPlay. Apple beta tests a new set of security features for iPhones and you should be pre-warned that crying inside your Vision Pro may void the warranty.

Pull the other one

As you may recall, GM famously announced several month ago that it was ditching CarPlay, making the contention that it would build its own in-car entertainment and navigation system and it’d be better than CarPlay. Possibly it would have lasers and stuff. They were vague on the details.

But now GM says the reason it kicked CarPlay to the curb was as a—please make sure your mouth is devoid of liquids before continuing to read this sentence—safety feature.

“GM Says It’s Ditching Apple CarPlay and Android Auto for Your Safety”

That’s not how this works dot gif. That’s not how any of this works dot gif.

[ GM head of product for infotainment Tim Babbitt ] cited driver distraction caused by cell phone usage behind the wheel.

This Week in Apple: The haves and the have nots

Apple’s got big plans for next March, Android users are muddying the waters and, sure, she’s got an award-winning podcast and I don’t, but have you seen her dance? Terrible.

March Madness

According To Mark Gurman™, this March will be a big one for Apple, possibly because they will have an extra day to prepare for it.

Tim Cook: “I don’t know how we’re going to get this all done for a March event.”

Jeff Williams [rushes in breathless]: “February has an extra day next year!”

Tim Cook: “Oh, cool, we’re good, then.”

Gurman says Apple will ship new iPad Pros, the rumored larger-screen iPad Air, another new Apple Pencil, and M3-based MacBook Airs.

“Apple Readies New iPads and M3 MacBook Air to Combat Sales Slump”

John Gruber speculates that the new Pencil is to allow Apple to move the camera from the short end of the iPad Pros to the long end.…