By John Moltz
This Week in Apple: This Apple Values Meal isn’t very filling
Apple has another great quarter and is on track to deliver the thing that it previously failed to deliver. The company is also set to deliver something no one wanted.
All the trillions
The work is mysterious and important and the numbers continue to be almost meaninglessly large.
“Apple hits $4 trillion milestone ahead of earnings report after strong iPhone 17 launch”
$4 trillion might be cool, but you know what’s really cool?
“Nvidia Becomes First $5 Trillion Company as AI Demand Surges”
Remember when Nvidia just made chips for shoot ‘em up games? Well, now we can thank the company for being such a big part of the advancement of vital technologies like crypto, NFTs and, um, uh, AI.
At least this time it’s not a bubble!
“Microsoft seemingly just revealed that OpenAI lost $11.5B last quarter”
OK, then!
Moving right along, after a lot of hand-wringing about poor iPhone Air sales, it looks like Apple may not be going out of business after all. (OK, no one actually suggested that, but if making your own strawmen and then setting them ablaze and warming yourself by the fire is wrong then I don’t want to be right.)
Because — are you sitting down? — it turns out Apple had another good quarter.
“Apple caps off high-flying fiscal year with Q4 record”
Most product categories were up with just iPads and wearables being flat.
Tim Cook then capped his comments by describing… [looks down at piece of paper]… Apple’s values.
[looks up into the camera] Oh, this oughta be good.
As Jason noted, some things that had been on the list just three years ago, like global education initiatives, racial equity and justice, and workforce inclusivity and diversity were now mysteriously missing while others that had not been on the list, like training American workers and investing in domestic manufacturing, were added.
You can just say “Make money no matter how toxic the despot you have to cozy up to is,” Tim. It’s a lot shorter.
Siri, remind me to hire some AI people
You might be wondering how things are going at Apple with that enhanced version of Siri it talked about 16 months ago and never delivered. According to Cook, all is well.
We’re also excited for a more personalized Siri. We’re making good progress on it, and as we’ve shared, we expect to release it next year.
Buuut, you know, just in case…
We also continually to surveil the [LLM] market on M&A and are open to pursuing M&A if we think that it will advance our roadmap.
At the rate that Apple is losing AI executives to Meta and other companies, it kind of feels like the company is going to have to acquire someone just to keep headcount up.
Ad-ing value
Apple services revenue had a record quarter but if you were concerned about Apple being able to get any more blood out of the stone that is you, me, and every other Apple customer, fret not!
“Apple Reportedly Moving Ahead With Ads in Maps App”
Oh. Yay.
…[Bloomberg’s Mark] Gurman said that Apple’s plan to bring more ads to iOS is moving “gaining traction,” with the Maps app being next in line.
Yes, Maps is just next. Much as the ancients donned masks, anointed themselves with oils and conducted sacrifices to various insatiable deities, Tim Cook has pledged himself to the god of services revenue.
Dark shapes in robes converge deep beneath Apple Park. Incantations are made in a foul tongue that dare not be spoken outside Apple Park. A “goat” made out of Beyond Meat is cut…
…and ads begin to appear in the Compass app.
iPhone user: “Which way is north?”
Compass app: “Try South! The new direction everyone is talking about!”
iPhone user: “What the hell?”
[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]