By Dan Moren

June 30, 2025 12:00 PM PT

The Back Page: I don’t know what you’re talking about, these terms are very clear

Last week, Apple rolled out the latest revision to its App Store terms in the European Union and they made, as they say in Europe, a bit of a contretemps.¹

Some have lambasted these rules as “needlessly complex” or “clear as mud” or “I don’t know what lambaste means, it sounds like what you do before broiling those chops, but I’m still angry!” But I’ve completed a careful analytical reading of the new terms, and feel confident that the revised agreement is nothing more than sheer elegance in its simplicity. Allow me to elucidate.

You, the developer, get paid. Apple takes some percentage of that—ah ah ah, yes, I know the question “how much?” is already burning on your lips, but stay with me: I am simplifying.

The amount of that percentage depends on a few basic factors: are you in the Small Business Program? Did you agree to the alternative business terms? Is it a month with less than five letters in its name? How do you feel about pistachios?

I know that seems like a lot, but really these kinds of details are easy to figure out. You’re telling me you can’t look at a calendar? You don’t know how you feel about nature’s perfect nut? Please.

So, you’ve come up with answers to those real brainteasers, now it’s just a matter of applying Apple’s straightforward seven-part rubric to calculate what percentage you fork over to them.

First, do you live in the European Union? Do you? Do you really? Give that one some thought. I mean, it’s gotten more complex in recent years. Maybe check Apple Maps. Then Google Maps. Just to be sure.

Okay, we dealt with that. Great. Next up: do you make more than a million dollars a year? Note I said dollars. We already established you were in Europe, so I didn’t want you to get frazzled and start checking euros. Or pounds. Or, I dunno, megapascals.

Third, did you get a coupon for 10 percent off tickets for F1 The Movie®?

Then, do you want to sign up for App Store, App Store Premium, App Store Premium Plus, or App Store Ultra? I know that feels like a lot of questions inside a question, but it basically comes down to whether or not you’d like strangers on the Internet be able to harangue you for free, possibly endangering your livelihood and, almost certainly, your sanity. I mean, your choice, but the difference could be a staggering twenty bucks or so (after Apple takes its cut).

Sixth, do you want to accept payments outside the safe haven that is the App Store? Are you suuure? Before you answer, did you realize before reading this that I skipped the fifth question? If not, are you sure you really can trust yourself to answer this safely? Maybe stick with the App Store, just to be safe.

Seventh, and last: do you even want to develop apps for a platform that’s entirely dependent on a single company with a history of treating its developers with, at best, callous disregard and who won’t be forced into making substantive changes unless dragged kicking and screaming by regulation and/or legal action?

If yes, then please go back to question one and try again.

[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors, as well as an author, podcaster, and two-time Jeopardy! champion. You can find him on Mastodon at @dmoren@zeppelin.flights or reach him by email at dan@sixcolors.com. His next novel, the sci-fi adventure Eternity's Tomb, will be released in November 2026.]