This Week in Apple: Counting Apple CEOs

The deed is done! John Ternus is now CEO of Apple!

Memomento mori

[extreme TV infomercial announcer voice] Do you suffer from insomnia, sleeplessness, or the condition known as “Snooze Deficiency Syndrome”? Do you lie awake staring at the ceiling, unable to lull yourself to unconsciousness, despite lately really preferring it to consciousness? Well, don’t worry! Apple’s outgoing CEO has you covered!

“Read Tim Cook’s full memo to Apple employees on his last day as CEO”

Today is my last day as CEO of Apple.

Story checks out so far.

This is a moment I always knew would come one day…

BREAKING: FORMER APPLE CEO HAD FIRM GRASP OF THE LINEAR NATURE OF TIME.

…and yet it is still hard to believe it has arrived and I am writing these words.

[sound of 170,000 Apple employees closing an email and going back to whatever it was they were doing before]

If you’re not asleep yet, don’t worry. It goes on like that for kinda a while without saying much of anything. Again, though, if you’re not asleep by the end, don’t worry. Because Apple’s incoming CEO also has you covered.

“Read John Ternus’s full memo to Apple employees on his first day as CEO”

Hang on, I gotta get a cup of coffee before we read this because I’m already pretty groggy.

OK, here we go.

I’m honored to be stepping into this role at what is truly the greatest company in the world…

The greatest company in the world, the greatest network in the world, the greatest phone in the world…

Man, after reading these I feel like I really owe Stan Sigman an apology. Too late for that, I guess.

Ternus’s memo at least has the benefit of being less than half the length of Cook’s, sort of like taking 2 mg of melatonin and then, when it’s not quite working, taking another 1 mg to finally shove you off the cliff and into Morpheus’s welcoming embrace.

Ask your doctor if reading Apple CEO memos is right for you.

Et tu, Phil?

Tim Cook and John Ternus weren’t the only Apple executives updating LinkedIn this week. (“You have been endorsed for ‘Pablum’.”)

“Phil Schiller steps down from leading the App Store and Apple events”

So, developers, please make sure to update your email templates for where to send your angry missives about long App Store review times.

Despite the change:

…Schiller will remain an Apple Fellow and work on “unspecified initiatives.”

“Unspecified initiatives”?! Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Meanwhile, while his name may still be Luca, he no longer works on the second floor. Or whatever floor he used to work on.

“Ex-Apple CFO Luca Maestri Winding Down His Time at the Company”

After years of counting Apple’s money, Maestri is reportedly looking forward to spending more time with his family money.

With these transitions, don’t be surprised if John Ternus shows up at your door saying “I’m putting a team together! We’re looking for someone with your particular skillset. Are you in?!”

I mean, it’s probably not gonna happen, but it might.

The price may or may not be right

Big week next week as… well, you know what’s gonna happen.

Sometimes I don’t know why we go through this charade of me pretending to present these things as “news” when you probably already know them. It’s ridiculous. I mean, what is even the point of anything?!

Sorry.

Anyway, if you’re wondering how much change you have to find in your couch and the couches of everyone else in your cul-de-sac and every cul-de-sac in the nation in order to get a foldable iPhone, the Apple rumor mill has got you, fam.

“iPhone Ultra’s Very High Price and Features Revealed in New Report”

Awesome! OK! Lay it on us! Here we go! Give us those dirty deets!

TrendForce estimated that the foldable iPhone will have a starting price of $2,099 to $2,299…

Oh, c’mon! I could have done that! That’s like saying “It will be dollars, unless you’re in a country that uses a different currency.”

I’m going to go ahead and predict that it’s going to be on the high end of that for sure and possibly higher, as Samsung’s most recent foldable starts at $1,999 and this is Apple we’re talking about—and not only that but Apple in an era of unprecedentedly high prices for technology (thanks, AI!).

Thus, my couches will remain un-raided as I will not be buying this device. My child’s inheritance is secure.