The Back Page: Dispatches from the Apple multiverse

Yes, here in our universe, Apple is celebrating its 50th anniversary. A milestone! The company is looking back on its success, its technology prowess, and the way it’s made us all willing to just say “AirPods” like that’s a set of words that makes any kind of sense.

But our universe is only one of many, and while it may be the 50th anniversary of Apple in several of those as well, the company hasn’t always been as successful—or at least as successful in quite the same way—as it has been here.

For example, did you know that on Earth 1208⍺-X, Apple never abandoned cat names for its operating system? They’re currently on Mac OS X 10.21 Norwegian Forest Cat. Meanwhile, on Earth 9876t-♉︎, the Pippin is the number two console, right after the Intellivision. And on Earth 632r-⍴ everybody wears iPod Socks. Nobody’s quite sure if it’s ironic or not.

All of these worlds are like ours, but ever so slightly different. And just in case you think the grass is always greener on the other side of the quantum fence, well, be careful what you wish for. As much as some people might deride Liquid Glass, be glad you don’t live on Earth 9w4598-Ω, where Apple really ran with that whole “lickable” interface thing. Computing has never been so sticky.

So let’s take this opportunity to fire up the old mulitversal radio and see if we can’t catch some dispatches from our nearby universes and see how Apple is doing there.

[static sounds]

Earth 0101010-λ

To celebrate its 50th anniversary, Apple today released its most groundbreaking product in decades, the Orb.

“Nothing is more iconic than the shape of the sphere,” said Apple CEO Jony Ive, appearing via towering hologram. “It has no beginning, no end, and speaks to where we all first issued from.”

“We think the Orb will be a big hit,” said Apple senior vice president of worldwide marketing Greg Joswiak, visibly sweating. “Our customers see whatever they want to see in it which means it can truly be any…”

[static sounds]

Earth Performis-18173U

…Apple today celebrated its 50th anniversary with the release of its most powerful computer yet, the Macintosh Quadra 3700X/II. Powered by an amazing 69050 Motorola processor running at speeds of up to 700Mhz with an astounding of 1GB of RAM and 200GB Western Digital hard drive, the 97300xfs/II will be the workstation of choice for high-end graphics applications. Its sturdy tower comes in a fetching beige, features 17 SCSI ports, and begins at just $8,999…

[static sounds]

Earth 1293857L-Γ

…and Apple CEO for Life Steve Wozniak today kicked off the 27th annual Segway Polo World Cup in Cupertino’s Steve Jobs Memorial stadium, as teams from across the globe vie to become the latest champions of the vaunted sport that has become a Silicon Valley phenomenon…

[static sounds]

Earth #000000-Δ

…would have been the 50th anniversary of Apple Computer. The now defunct company was acquired in 1997 by Dell Computer and shut down, the money returned to its shareholders. Dell, meanwhile, continues its innovative sales strategy of selling laptops by the pound…

[click]

Annnnd that’s about enough of that. Look, I won’t say that all of those universes are unquestionably worse than ours. Just as a random example, in not a single one of those other universes did Apple gift anybody odious a big golden trophy. I mean, you can only imagine what the rest of those universes think of us.

Anyway, with half a century under its belt, it’s time to start thinking about what the next 50 years might hold. I don’t want to spoil anything, but, well, better stock up on iPod Socks.